Home > Gaijin Smash > The Light and Darkside of the Force

The Light and Darkside of the Force

I entered the ichinensei classes at the School of Peace for the first time since summer vacation. I didn’t have a chance to have class with Penis Boy, which was actually somewhat of a relief. I did however have class with the boy who’d asked me before “Is it okay to kancho you?”

He sits at the front and I just happened to be standing in front of his desk. He looked up at me, and gave me a thumbs-up. I returned it. Then, he put his hands together in the classic kancho strike, and said “Okay?” I shook my head and said, “No, not okay.” He said “I’ll do it to you later, okay?” Well, there’s an interesting idea. Here’s another one – no. I told him he might “accidentally” end up getting tossed out a window. The ichinensei classes are on the third floor, so this threat had some weight to it. He’s a runt of a kid, but the winds weren’t strong enough that day to deliver a possible Mary Poppins-esque ass-saving, so he dropped the issue.

But still, I’m amazed. “I’ll do it to you later, okay?” The kid’s politeness is off the charts. If nothing else, I have to give him credit for going through the proper channels first before attempting to ram his fingers up someone’s ass. If only all the 12-year olds of Japan could be so considerate. I’m giving serious thought to saying he can, but only if he files the proper paperwork first. Then giving him a series of applications that would make our IRS tax forms look like connect-the-dots. If he ever finished, I’d be long gone. Still, this shit just absolutely floors me.

Later in the class, he turned around in his chair to talk to his friend behind him. He sat on his knees in the chair, and bent over his friend’s desk behind him. For those of you unable to visualize this, basically it meant that he was bent over in front of me, ass all up in the air.

Oh, now he’s just asking for it.

Wait-a-minute, did I seriously just have that thought?! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO![/Vader] What is this country doing to me?!

Darth Azrael: Do it. Give in to the Darkside. Give him a well-deserved taste of his own medicine.
Jedi Azrael: Crazy, you must be! Kancho floodgates you will open.
Darth Azrael: Look at that – you will never have such an easy target! Now is the time to establish your superiority! Launch him clear across the room. Search your feelings, you know this to be the right course of action.
Jedi Azrael: This act, if you do, on, will be the shit. Never ending, the attacks will be. Leaving the country, you will be. Out of your suitcase, they will come. Your ass, they will pillage. Afraid? You should be.

In the end (absolutely no pun intended) I did not kancho him, although it was highly tempting. Incidentally, if you’re out one day and just happen to stumble across my sanity, I’d appreciate it much if you’d just send it on back to me. I really miss it.

Barely one week after summer vacation ended, the kids in my schools had term tests. Harsh. I went to the School of Peace after they finished their tests, so I entered their classes just as they were getting their tests back. Much like any other class of school kids, the mood after getting back tests was grim. Especially tests taken *after* a summer vacation.

I went to the ninensei’s class after their tests had already been passed back. I noticed Ultimate Sweetness – she seriously looked like she was on the verge of tears. You could see “Disappointment!” written all over her face, and a few times, she buried her head in her hands in shame. It was like the personification of Bambi the INSTANT he found out his mother had been killed. Holy crap. Did she do THAT badly?

It didn’t make sense though. Ultimate Sweetness was a model student. And this was English! She’s a member of the English club. I’ve seen her give speeches that many Americans probably couldn’t do! What could have happened? Did she choke? Did she burn out over the summer? Did her evil clone kidnap her and ruin her test in her place? (On an aside, the thought of Ultimate Sweetness having an evil clone is absolutely terrifying. If this clone was as evil as Ultimate Sweetness was adorable, she would be ‘The Most Evilest Person to Ever Walk The Earth’. She’d make Cruella Deville look like Mother Teresa.)

The teacher also noticed the students gloom and doom expression, and casually remarked about it to me. I pointed out Ultimate Sweetness. “What could she have possibly done wrong?” I asked. The teacher told me her score on the test – 99.5. She missed half a point because she forgot to add an “o” to Tokyo ONCE. “I met your father at Toky Dome.”

Oh. My. God.

Upon hearing her name, Ultimate Sweetness looks up. The teacher explains what the conversation was about. Ultimate Sweetness smiles. “I made a careless mistake. I’m very sorry for disappointing you! Next time I’ll do my best, I promise! I won’t let you down again.”

If it were possible for arteries to clog up from pure, unadulterated cuteness, I would have dropped dead on the spot from 5 simultaneous heart attacks.

Later, I was giving a talk about what I did for summer vacation. I just could not look at her. She had her hands folded on the desk as she sat perfectly upright, head tilted, smile on her face, as she gave me 110% her undivided attention. She nodded her head at things she knew, and for things she didn’t knew she made a little “Ohhhhhh!” sound as her face displayed an “I just learned something!” look. Much like the sun during an eclipse, I simply couldn’t look directly at it. For those of you familiar with Azumanga Daioh, imagine Chiyo-chan in the penguin suit … times ten.

After the class ended, without me having said anything about it, the teacher said to me, “Did you notice Ultimate Sweetness during your talk? I couldn’t look at her, it was way too cute, I would have fallen out of my chair.” BEHOLD ULTIMATE SWEETNESS’S POWER.

I’d joked around with this teacher that I wanted to kidnap Ultimate Sweetness and make her my own daughter … But not in that way, pervs. The police would find us having a tea party and making stuffed animals. We were talking about Ultimate Sweetness’ broken cuteness after this class, and the teacher casually said “Oh, I told the other teachers about what you said, that you wanted to kidnap Ultimate Sweetness and make her your own daughter.”

Say what now? Dear Lord woman, what have you done?

She said the other teachers’ response was “Oh, that’s dangerous. He just might do it.”

Wonderful. That’s a beautiful notion isn’t it? The big black American Gaijin wants to kidnap the little 13-year old Japanese girl.

But then again, this is Japan, so it may not even be an issue.

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