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Just Another Wednesday

Like any good Hollywood franchise these days, the series must be pushed to three installments, to milk it for all its worth before going on to rehash something else.

This time I dropped in on the ninensei. The ninensei are learning about Thailand. The boys were rehearsing a traditional Thai dance, while the girls were working on a karaoke version of a Thai pop song. The boys were more or less engrossed with their “dance practice”, which involved them jumping all over the classroom and knocking each other over (for the record, the final version looked NOTHING like this). The girls looked ready to take a break by the time I’d come, so they rushed over for some conversation, including Ultimate Sweetness and some of her friends.

Sweetness’s English teacher and I have a new thing for her. When Sweetness is doing something above and beyond her standard levels of cute, something that crosses into the disgusting, almost offensive levels of cuteness, we’ll both just clutch our chests, as if Sweetness were giving us a heart-attack from pure cute clogging up our arteries. Yes, it’s that bad.

Anyway, somehow the ninensei girls had gotten me to open up my wallet and show some of my pictures. I still have some old pics of girls I knew in high school (just friends sadly. I was Corporate General of the De-sexified Friend Zone (the DFZ) back then), so they marvelled over how beautiful American women are and how they could never compete. For a *brief* moment, I considered telling them about how there are scores of American men back home who think Japanese women are the most beautiful thing ever created since the Super Nintendo, but I decided that biting my tongue on this matter would be for the best. Sweetness gets caught starting too hard at a particularly cute blonde. Sweetness’s best friend notices this, and in a huff, throws up her hands and says “Oh! I see how it is!” before marching to the back of the room. Yeah, I didn’t get it either. Another girl explains to me that Sweetness really likes the blonde haired, blue-eyed look. Thinks it’s really beautiful. So now Sweetness’s best friend had become insanely jealous.

Sweetness convinces her friend to come back, who then falls into her arms fake sobbing over not being able to compete with beautiful American women, and how she’s lost to a picture. Sweetness pats her on the back, while cooing in her ear – “I’m sorry. I love you. Please forgive me. I love you.” Sweetness then looks up at me, and gives me this “What can you do?” look while still patting her friend on the back like the family dog.

Did you hear that Elizabeth? Here comes the big one.

I left the ninensei before I dropped dead on the spot from adorable overload. I paid the sannensei another visit (I was kind of reluctant to go see the ichinensei again – do you blame me?) and immediately ran into Mousey. “Hey, it’s hentai sensei!” he says. Not this again. I reiterated that he was the most hentai kid, quite possibly, ever. I tried to walk past him but as I did he literally lunged over the posters that everyone had been working on since Monday to try and grab my dick. Ascended Senses kick in and Mousey is dealt with. I tried to just keep moving but Mousey again leaps over everyone to try and jam some fingers in my ass. I could tell the other students were getting annoyed with him as he was actually coming close to stepping on and possibly ripping everyone’s hard work. So to save the Cultural Festival preparations and my ass crack once more, I picked him up and carried him away from everyone. “Where should I take him?” I wondered out loud. “Dump him in the pool, maybe?” “DO IT!” an ENTIRE HALLWAY of otherwise low-key, quiet sannensei suddenly shouted.

I didn’t dump him in the pool. It would have been the most satisfying thing I’ve done, ever, but in the end I’d probably have to answer to the PTA. I think I’ve mentioned before, fucking with the PTA in Japan is like fucking with The Sopranos. I’d come home and find a dead horse on my doorstep. Along with a reminder for the PTA softball tournament on Saturday.

Instead, I put Mousey down, and he immediately started going for my dick again. I restrained him by grabbing both of his hands. “If it gets hard, I wonder how big it’ll get!” Mousey says as I struggle with him.

Ok, that’s twice now. Two times in three days I’ve had Japanese boys be interested in my dick, and wait, not just my penis, my erect penis.

Mousey’s got to be out of his tiny little head though if he thinks he was going to find anything hard in that situation. …Man, this is awful no matter how you slice it.

“You see, this is exactly what makes you so damn weird” I tell him as I continue restraining him. He is completely unabated by this. “If it gets hard, how big will it get!” At least the other boys watching (WHY THE FUCK WEREN’T YOU HELPING ME, BOYS? SOLIDARITY, BROTHER! DID HULK HOGAN TEACH YOU NOTHING? *ahem*) could appreciate the insanity of the situation. “Looking at this,” one of the boys says, “it’s hard to believe he’s a sannensei, isn’t it? He seems like an ichinensei.” “Or even an elementary schooler,” another boy responds.

Mousey eventually gives up and goes back to his project. I regain my composure and as I do so, a boy sitting next to me looks up and hands me a ruler. “What’s this for?” I asked. He didn’t say anything, just motioned over to Mousey. In any language, in any culture, his facial expression was 100%, no mistaking it, machigaenai, crystal clear – “Go whack the stuffing outta that bastard.”

And oh boy, it was so tempting.

I returned the ruler. “I’ll whack him some other day,” I say. I couldn’t help but to think that if I had, somehow despite the fact that Mousey was trying with all his might to size up my erect penis just a few seconds earlier, I would have been the one in the wrong. And then I would have had to face THE PTA. You can say “Gaijin Smash” all you want, little old Japanese women are unfathomable levels of broken. Our Gaijin Superpowers just don’t work, cause they just don’t give a damn. I’m not even sure Jack Bauer or MacGuyver could successfully take on a little Japanese granny. I still contend that if Japan had sent grandmothers into the war, we’d be the United States of The Rising Sun right now. So as satisfying as whacking Mousey would have been, I decided to skip it as to not incur the Wrath of THE PTA.

As I continued down the hallway, Moeko ran up to me. Without one word, she passed me a letter, and quickly ran off. When I came to the poster she’d been working on, I found written at the top “Az’s Korean Dish of Interest” along with a drawing of the dish I’d picked, and the recipe for it.

I have a feeling that it’s going to be a good day.

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Categories: Gaijin Smash
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