Home > Gaijin Smash > Prepare For Trouble, and Make It Double!

Prepare For Trouble, and Make It Double!

Maybe guys with a girlfriend can sympathize with me here – ever have one of your girlfriend’s friends get married?

Maybe you’re thinking about marriage with your girl, maybe not, but its something you want to do on your own time and be ready for. But then along comes this friend who’s getting married. Your girlfriend says she’s fine with it, and at first she is, but then the date of the wedding gets closer and closer, and by the time she gets to the ceremony she’s a crying, emotional mess. That’s one thing, but in meeting all the friends she hasn’t seen since God knows how long, they all also reveal their wedding plans to her and then ask “What about you? When are you tying the knot?” She makes an excuse, but the Seeds of Destruction have been planted, and before you know it, she’s mad at you for seemingly no reason at all. You ask, you pry, you call Miss Cleo for any psychic tips she might have, and finally it comes out that she thinks she’s nothing more than a sexual plaything to you because she’s the only one among her friends without solid, definite marriage plans.

So yeah, ever have that happen to you? Sucks, don’t it? But see, here is concrete, definitive proof that God doesn’t just hate me, he hates me with a fiery burning passion – this happened to me two-fold. That’s right, my girlfriend had not just one best friend get married, but her two best friends get married within one week of each other.

Ain’t that some shit?

Riddle me this for coincidence. My girlfriend has two girls she considers to be best friends, S-san and K-san. Last year around this time, both S-san and K-san emailed her at pretty much the exact same time. I mean, their emails were only minutes apart. Both tell her they have “big news” they want to tell her in person. So the gf goes to see K-san the following week, who says she’s getting married. The next week she meets S-san, who is also getting married. Both of these women have been dating their boyfriends for roughly the same amount of time…which also happens to be the same amount of time that me and the gf have been dating. Both S-san and K-san plan their wedding for October, and only about a week apart. The best part is that S-san and K-san have NEVER met each other, their only point in common is being best friends with my girlfriend.

Brilliant.

You know, if this kind of thing were an isolated incident, okay maybe I could chalk it up to coincidence. But the fact that my life is composed of incidents like these strung one after another leads me to believe that somethin’ fishy is goin’ on Lucy.

I asked her around the time of the engagements if she was okay with her friends getting married and with no plans pending for her. She said she was, and at the time she actually was. Of course, as the weddings approached, she became remarkably less okay. Before I knew it, she was talking about 10 years from now, and how we would best divide up our time living in Japan/America so our kids could become bi-lingual and properly adjusted to both cultures.

…Shit.

Not that I’m opposed to children, no. I would like kids some day. Especially half-Japanese kids, because halflings are always beautiful for some reason. It’s like your genes and her genes do a fusion dance and take the best traits of each to make the ultimate human or something. And the ultra-curvyness of the black genes actually combines really well with the super-flatness of the Japanese genes to create very attractive women.

This is actually Az’s Get Rich Quick Scheme #23 – produce beautiful little halflings and send them into the Japanese entertainment industry, and live comfortably off my daughter’s salary. Hey, it worked for Beyonce’s daddy…

Anyway, I would like kids…someday. Not today. I still feel like a kid myself. I look into my living room and I see a PS2, PS3, Sega Dreamcast, and about 7 Transformers action figures lined up next to the TV, and its hard not to feel like a big kid in grown-up clothes. On the other hand though, the Transformers are awesome (will be required reading/watching for whatever offspring I spire) and my kid better hone up his or her Street Fighter skills, or else Dad is going to mop the floor with him/her.

***

I hate to make broad sweeping generalizations, but sometimes it seems like Japanese girls move at LUDICROUS SPEED when it comes to dating and relationships.

Marriage in general seems to be be treated fairly lightly. Like, a couple meet, and after a couple of months if they both don’t totally suck ass, then they’ll decide to get married. Literally, like “Well, you don’t suck ass, so I guess we can get married.” Proposals don’t seem to be a big thing either. In the case of S-san, she was in a long distance relationship with her boyfriend (S-san lives in Kyoto, boyfriend in Tokyo). They were talking one day about how difficult the distance is, and the boyfriend said something to the effect of “Well, it would be nice if you lived with me…maybe we should get married?” For K-san, she and her boyfriend live together. They went to go renew the contract on their apartment, and the realtor asked if they were engaged.* They lied and said yes at the time, but upon returning home, the boyfriend said something to the effect of “Well, instead of lying about it, why don’t we just go ahead and get married then?” I will pause here and allow the ladies to run and get some tissues, what with having witnessed the pinnacle of romantic proposals here, I’m sure there are quite a few wet eyes in the house.

…I think I just used up my sarcasm allowance for this month.

*Realtors will ask this question for any couple who rents an apartment together. If you’re just dating, I guess the possibility that you’ll break up and end up breaking the lease is a big concern.

Even the L-word gets tossed around quite casually. In a relationship with a certain evil troglobeast from hell, she was throwing around that word after one month into the relationship. ONE MONTH! One month is still, what, the Masturbatory Assistant stage?

She was very clever about her timing/delivery too.

*We’re half watching TV, half fooling around*
Her: Mm, that’s nice. Ok, go there.
Me: Sure thing!
Her: Oh yeah. I love you sweetheart.
Me: *Metal Gear Solid ! appears over my head* Um…thanks?
Her: And you love me too right?
Me: Um….
Her: …Right??

See, here’s where things become a little complicated. I have two choices here. Lie through my teeth and get to have sex, or be brutally honest and spend the rest of the night in the dog house in my own cramped little apartment. As a young male fresh into the country…well…the choice was clear.

Me: Of course I love you sweetheart. I mean, it’s already been a whole month, right?
Her: Of course! Say, how about a BJ? I just thought up this great technique, and I’ve named it after an oceanic creature…
Me: Sure! I’m sure your new technique won’t harm or physically scar me in any way shape or form. I mean, what could go wrong?

The other problem is that the Japanese female biological clock starts ticking around, oh, 25. As I’ve said repeatedly, Japanese men like their women young. With this disturbing tendency, once a woman hits 30, if she’s unmarried…she’s kind of screwed. Men her age are too busy porking the 19 year olds (and younger) who don’t mind having a sugar daddy. Plus, with chances to meet guys getting fewer and fewer…well, its a thing to be worried about. Get married in your twenties while you’re still marketable.

This is, of course, another area where I am in complete opposition to Japanese men. I LOVE older women. Women’s sexual drives don’t even really get started until they hit their 30’s. Men always talk about young girls or whatever, but you get a woman in her 30’s who takes care of herself and has that astronomical sex drive – it’s like comparing bottle rockets to the mo’fuckin’ space shuttle. So, yes fellas, this does mean that there is an entire crop of 30-something Japanese women who are sexually amped up and just not getting it. I have tasted the sweet, sweet nectar from the crop twice, and let me tell you – it is truly awesome.

…*Ahem*. Anyway, yeah, so relationships and marriage can move kinda fast in Japan. Something we Gaijin should take into considering when dipping into the Japanese dating pool. My girlfriend has calmed down a bit from the wedding ceremonies, but I still sense that she’s waiting. I don’t have to spell out “Honey will you marry me?” on the snow-caps of Mt. Fuji, but I would like my proposal (with any luck, the only one I ever do in my entire life) to be somewhat special. I don’t want to be like “Hey, check this out – McDonalds has a special happy meal set for married couples. Well, shall we tie the knot?” Just doesn’t feel right.

Ironically, I had decided a while ago that if we were still together and doing well this Christmas, I’d pop the question. There’ve been a number of issues and what not lately that have made me sort of question/doubt myself regarding that. But who knows? Maybe I’ll stick to my plan and propose in…geez…a little over a month.

And don’t think I’m ruining the potential surprise by posting about it here. She doesn’t speak English. Which is kind of convenient at times…

Guy Friend: Hey Az, wanna tag along tonight?
Me: What’s up?
Guy: We’re going to hit every Japanese strip club in the country, and go on a wild binge of boozing and dancing with naked Japanese women. You in?
Me: The question isn’t whether or not I’m in, but how far to the nearest club, and how much money do I need to bring along?
Girlfriend: (in Japanese) ……? What’s going on?
Me: (in Japanese) Oh, nothing much. I’m just gonna go with the guys here to help put out fires in orphanges across the country.
Girlfriend: (in Japanese) Oh wow. Well, do your best!
Me: (in Japanese) It’s tough work, but someone’s got to do it.

I kid, of course. There’s no way we can cover every strip club in the country in one night, I mean, the best we can do is the greater Kansai region before we end up passing out due to exhaustion and alcohol poisoning somewhere on a dirty Osaka city street. …Purely hypothetically speaking, of course.

But hey, if I do end up getting married soon, I will be looking forward to retiring comfortably off my beautiful little halfling’s nice celebrity income. I mean, this is what kids are for, right?

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Categories: Gaijin Smash
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