Innocence and Waste
I noticed in a lot of the comments (yes, I read everything…) that many of you are concerned about my girlfriend finding out about my plans prematurely. Either she will stumble upon them, or she already knows and is just pretending that she doesn’t. Let me assure you, that is not a problem.
Yes, I have written my plans here on a public blog for all to see, but the catch is that it’s in English. My girlfriend doesn’t understand English. Well, she understands enough to properly smack me if she’s within earshot when I say “Man, look at the tits on that girl!”, but other than that, she just doesn’t speak English. “Well, she’d understand proposal”. You might say. You might be right. But you have to remember, she’d have to actively point her browser in the direction of Gaijin Smash, in order to read her boyfriend’s blog in a language she can’t understand. Sure, she could do that, but as long at the paparazzi are taking candid pics of Jennifer Love Hewitt and Paris Hilton, as long as Britney Spears and Linday Lohan keep fucking up in the public eye…well…let’s just say my girlfriend’s time on the internet will be otherwise preoccupied.
Internet aside, she just has no clue. This is something you’ll have to trust me on. Perhaps other people would have gotten the hint, but she hasn’t. Case in point: when I came back from the secret meeting with her mother, I also had a bag of donuts and a fuckton of Mandarin oranges with me (literally a fuckton: 1.2 on the fucktonnage scale). Why is this relevant?
Her Mom works next to a donut shop called Mister Donut (sounds like something out of The Simpsons, doesn’t it?). After work, she’ll often just pop into the shop and buy 2 fucktons of donuts. Often when we go to the Mom’s house, she’ll have some Mister Donut donuts, and she’ll give half or all of them to us to take home. The oranges…I dunno how the Mom came to have so many oranges, but she did. Girlfriend had gone earlier in the week and Mom had given her oranges to bring back. And after the secret meeting, I too received oranges.
So now, I’m coming home with donuts and oranges. Dead giveaway, right? You’d think so…
Her: Welcome back. …What’cha got there?
Me: Oh, these? Just some donuts. …Um, was kinda hungry after work, just grabbed a few on the way home.
Her: Ah, okay.
Me: You want one?
Her: Sure, thanks! And hey, what’s that?
Me: Oh, um…oranges.
Her: Wow, that’s sure a lot! Did you get them from someone at work?
Me: …Work! Yes! That’s right, I got them from one of the Chinese ladies at work. She brought a bunch in.
Her: I got a bunch from my mom too. Now we’ve got a lot of oranges!
Me: We sure do.
Her: You should write a thank-you note to the lady at work.
Me: I’ll…uh…get right on that.
Now, I know many of you are thinking “c’mon, she knows man! She was just playing along!” No no, she doesn’t know. Trust me, I just know – she hasn’t got a clue. I told her I got the oranges from a lady at work…and that’s honestly just what she believes. You may think this to be cluelessness, but I see it as an unspoiled form of innocence, the kind that only children usually have.
Y’see, we adults, we’re too tainted and jaded by the world. We doubt what we’re told because experience has told us to. A good deal of the time, we’re right. It’s not exactly a positive outlook on the world, but its the way the world works. If you are a cynical bastard, you can dig up the dirt pretty good. This is why characters like Batman and Dr. House are good detectives, they have a fundamental mistrust of humanity.
Guy: I need help, I feel like I’m dying!
House: Okay, what happened?
Guy: I was helping some nuns build an orphanage, and suddenly I felt a tightness in my chest…
House: Uh-huh. Now tell me what really happened…
Guy: Really, I was helping the nuns…
House: There are no convents around here.
Guy: …Okay, so they weren’t nuns, they were college girls…
House: Keep trying.
Guy: Okay, so it was one high school girl…
Guy: Okay, so it was a Real Doll dressed up as a high school girl. My roommate came home early, and in my haste to put her away I hit my chest on the bedpost.
Guy: He was angry that I was fucking his Real Doll, so he punched me in the chest.
Guy: He shot me in the chest…
Guy: For snorting his drugs! There, are you happy now?!
House: No, but I can help you now.
However, child-like innocence will allow the person to believe anything they’re told, because they don’t have that fundamental doubt and mistrust in humanity like the rest of us do. This is exactly why kids can believe in Santa Claus. I mean, c’mon – the idea of a fat man living in the coldest place on Earth, riding a sleigh powered by magical fucking reindeer, delivering presents to every kid in the world in all of *one day* just because – c’mon now. We all know that any guy who had a sleigh powered by magical fucking reindeer would be using it to pick up chicks. I mean, sure, that jerk over there might have a nice Ferrari and all, but he doesn’t have a magical flying sled that can take you all the way around the world in one night, does he? C’mon sweetie, get in my ride.
Child-like innocence is a necessity of this world. Otherwise, we would have *never* believed a video game about a portly plumber who falls down a kingdom and into a magical mushroom land, filled with mushroom people, where an army of evil turtles are trying to ruin their shit. If you tried to tell that to us today we’d be like “WTF are you snorting man, gimme some!”
So somehow, my girlfriend has managed to keep her child-like innocence throughout the first 25 years of her life. Need more proof? Only a few months before we started dating, she called up one of her best friends (S-san…one who got married last month) to ask what a blow-job was. By Gob, how in the name of Jesse James do you go through at least 20 years on Earth and NOT know what a blow-job is? S-san answered something along the lines of “well, it’s when you put the guy’s thing in your mouth”, to which my girlfriend said “Wow…girls actually do that?!” S-san says “well, yes, if you want to keep dating the guy for extended periods of time”, and S-san won instant brownie points in my book. I too was skeptical of this conversation at first, but my girlfriend challenged me to call up S-san and ask for verification, and I knew she was serious.
…And of course I didn’t call S-san. Most awkward conversation ever…
Me: Hey, S-san!
S-san: Oh, hi friend’s boyfriend.
Me: How’s it going?
S-san: Not bad I suppose.
Me: Good to hear it. Now, I’ve got a question for you. Did my girlfriend really ask you what a blow-job was a few months before we started dating?
Finding a girl this pure, untainted, and innocent…it just makes me want to exploit the holy shit out of it.
GF: Hey, you’re home late. …And you smell like perfume. And sex! What the hell?!
Me: Okay, okay, now, I did have sex, but hold on, let me explain…
GF: You sure do have some ‘splaining do to…
Me: So I was on the way home from work, right? And this girl comes up to me and begs me for help. As it turns out, she has a very rare disease where, if she doesn’t have sex every 30 minutes, she will die. She had been waiting at the train station for her boyfriend, but his train was late (another suicide jumper) and she was running out of time, so I had to bone her…TO SAVE HER LIFE.
GF: …………………Oh my goodness, is she okay?
Me: Yeah. I saved her life a few times, and then her boyfriend showed up so I came home. But I may need to go save her life again next week.
GF: Well, do whatever you must…
Me: I think also, the virus might mutate, and she’ll need to have sex with the both of us in order to keep her alive. In front of a camera. I’m not sure yet though, I’ll keep you posted…
…Of course I kid.
Anyway, you can all rest assured that my secret is safe.
I think I’ve written before about the massive waste Japan produces…haven’t I? Perhaps a tangent off my “why the hell are there no trash cans?” rant. I don’t remember, and I don’t feel like looking for it.
Anyway, Japan produces a lot of waste. Most of it comes from the simple fact that they over package EVERYTHING. You will buy a package of cookies, open the package, find another package, open that, and then find that each cookie has been individually wrapped. If you go into a convenience store and buy a hot and cold food item, they will make it a point to put both in separate bags. Apparently, combining hot and cold food items in one bag is the secret method to unlocking the gates of hell and letting Lucifer pass through. …Common sense would also dictate that if someone is buying a hot food item, they’re going to eat it fairly soon, or at least soon enough so that its not affected by the cold food item. But this is Japan – there’s no need for common sense here!
If you’re ever in Japan, drop by the nearest McDonalds (sure to be one at least 50 meters away from you…no matter where in the country you are…) and watch this magic happen. You’ll get your burger and fries in a bag. The clerk will then put the drink in another bag. She’ll then put these two bags into an entirely new bag. Sometimes, I’ve seen them put that bag into yet another bag. And God help you if you asked for condiments. Its incredible to say the least.
Anyone who hasn’t been to Japan may doubt me, but to all the naysayers – I have picture proof.
My girlfriend bought me a present this weekend. A little early for Christmas, you say? You’re right – it was an apologetic gift. To say sorry for one of those “I hate the way you’re breathing!” moods. Ah, I love it when that special someone gets absolutely incensed at you for no apparent reason at all. And then gets even more mad when you don’t know why she’s upset, because obviously you’re an insensitive bastard who doesn’t know or care about her. Yes, good times indeed. The only thing more fun than this is getting dicked in the ass by a horse until his large monster horse cock punctures your spleen and you bleed to death internally.
Anyway, I digress. So she buys me a present, and gives me this bag:
Note that the Playstation controller is there for reference. Sony does not actually endorse this blog.
However, if you are reading, Sony, please note that I love you and all your wonderful products, and would not be adverse to being endorsed by your tender, loving care.
*Ahem*, anyway, with a bag this size, I sort of expected clothing…like a scarf or something. But let’s take a peek inside, shall we? What’s this? It’s yet another bag!
A peek inside Bag #2 gives us…well…Bag #3!
Bag #3 is somehow larger than the previous bag…how does that work? Oh well, we’ve come this far, we can’t stop now. We look inside Bag #3 to find…
Wow! Red wrapping paper! I wonder what’s inside this…
A box! I have a feeling we’re getting close now! What’s inside of the box?
And here we are at last. My girlfriend’s gift to me was a necklace. It’s pretty cool, isn’t it? A very stylish and trendy necklace. But hold on, let’s take a look at everything together, shall we?
All of that…just for ONE necklace. Somewhere in the world, Al Gore is crying tears of pure environmental agony.
I love how, even after almost 5 years, Japan continues to not make sense in new and exciting ways.