Home > Gaijin Smash > Barking Up The Wrong Tree

Barking Up The Wrong Tree

If you all thought “uiiiiiish!” Daigo* was bad, let me introduce you to – IKKO.

*I was pleasantly surprised to see most of you think of the Street Fighter player Daigo first and foremost. I was also happy to see that entering in “Daigo” in YouTube returned more results of him than the Japanese rocker Daigo. Maybe the world isn’t as hopeless as I feared…

In the words of Austin Powers, that’s a man, baby!

I guess you would call IKKO the RuPaul of Japan. S/he rose to fame for being beautiful (????) and an expert on fashion and makeup. So many young Japanese girls follow IKKO’s advice on how to do their makeup and look beautiful. …Just think about that for a moment, let it roll around in your heads – Japanese girls turning to a cross-dresser dude on how to look pretty. …Yup.

So IKKO will point out some beauty or health care product that s/he uses, and Japanese girls will FLOCK to go and buy it. Gotta love the group mentality, huh? I remember thinking, after seeing s/he endorse some beauty product on TV once, “I wish IKKO would endorse negro penis or something, have Japanese girls flocking to me in the hundreds of thousands.”

And y’know…you really must be careful about what you wish for.

The wife had dragged me into yet another department store one day. As we were walking, we noticed a large group gathered in front of some brand-name store (Louis Vitton? I don’t know or give a fuck…). As I was in the middle of Shopping Hell, I was doing as I always do – wishing for the sweet release of death and daydreaming about yellow kittens. My wife however wanted to see what the commotion was about, so she dragged me over. We were standing behind the large group…but remember that I’m tall and Japanese people are tiny, so as their heads only came up to my chest at best I could see clealy into the store.

It was IKKO.

S/he was doing a segment for a TV show. I don’t know what about, I guess whatever cross dressers do in brand name department stores. I told my wife and of course she bugged out, and pulled out her cell phone to take pictures of the person she usually sees on TV, so she can show her friends and family a distant and blurry cell phone pic of a person they see on their HDTV’s every other day. As my wife was doing this, something caught IKKO’s eye: me. S/he looked out at the crowd, looked back at the camera, then actually turned her/his head to look out this way, at me specifically. I didn’t think too much of it at first, I mean I do stick out like a sore thumb here, especially in female-dominated department stores. Its like playing Where’s Waldo if Waldo were dumped into (insert an incredibly outlandish and implausible scenario here.)*

*Thought I was going to do that joke twice, didn’t ya?

But here’s the thing – at one point it went past the “Hey look, there’s a big tall black Gaijin” and well into the “Hey, check out that prime piece of meat!” territory. I’m not a cross dresser or gay, but I can tell when a guy sees a target that registers over 9000 on the “I’d Hit It” scouter. I think I broke IKKO’s scouter.

…The sad thing is, this isn’t even the first time I’ve been checked out by a cross-dresser/transvestite in Japan. First time its been a famous cross-dresser though. …Sigh.

So I tell my wife that IKKO just totally checked me out…and her response is unexpected to say the least. Somehow, this elates her. She immediately jumps on her cell phone to start informing her friends and family that her husband just caught IKKO’s eye. …And as an aside, how would you even react to that? You’re sitting at home watching TV, and you get a text from your friend – “Hey, this famous cross-dresser just checked out my husband!” …Um…OK? Would you care for a delicious Hot Pocket?

My wife even suggests that if I wanted to, I could go on a date with IKKO. “If you hang out around the filming location, she might come talk to you – then you could invite her on a date! That would be cool!” …No, it wouldn’t. This eventually leads to a conversation where I find out that, were I so inclined, I could have all the extramarital sex I wanted to. All the extramarital gay sex I wanted to. Not just famous cross-dressers, no no. Any random dude I wanted to pork would be A-OK.

Me: WTF…so lets say we’re at home, and I get up and I’m like, “Well, I’m gonna go have some gay sex.”
Her: I’d say, “Well, see you later! Have fun!”
Me: And when I came back?
Her: I’d just say “Welcome home. Was it fun? You missed having a nice pair of tits to play with, didn’t you?”
Me: …No seriously, WTF?!

I then asked her about extramarital heterosexual sex, and the answer was a resounding no. No exceptions for any famous actresses, musicians, or otherwise. No people I knew, no random encounters, and apparently no horrendously ugly women either. How in God’s name does that work? I asked her, and she didn’t know. Just, me and some dude having sex is fine, me and any other woman is a big, big no no.

So, let’s review.

This? I could hit to my heart’s content.
This? Nope, shit would hit the fan at 200mph.
This? Go tap dat ass!
This? You horrible, horrible human being.

I really don’t understand women.

Disclaimer 1:
I asked my wife about the reverse – if I would be expected to be cool with her having sex with other women. She told me I didn’t have to worry about that, since she had absolute zero interest in women. Damn, there goes that fantasy…

Disclaimer 2:
Before the “I am completely and totally morally disgusted by you!” comments come flooding in, I’m not actually interested in extramarital sex, even if I had the opportunity for it. I doubt I could actually be motivated to do it (I don’t think any woman tops my wife, so it’d be pointless and stupid). I just found the topic to be fascinating.

Ultimately, my “permission” doesn’t even matter, as I don’t even have a little bisexual in me. No offense to guys who swing that way. But men just do nothing for me. I don’t like the male form at all. I can barely even tolerate my own penis.

Az’s Penis: Hey, I heard that! I’m so making you pay for that later.
Me: …Fuck.
Az’s Brain: Hey, if Penis goes on strike, can I get some of that blood supply back? I’ve been working on this theory for world peace…

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Categories: Gaijin Smash
  1. Jen Aside
    October 4, 2011 at 2:49 pm

    Aww, I was going to take a trip down memory lane, but the third and fourth “This?” pictures are broken links =(

    Well, I remember kinda what they looked like, anyway.

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