Home > I Am a Japanese School Teacher > Rico Suave Meets Velma

Rico Suave Meets Velma

I often use nicknames for my kids. I have around 900-1000 students in total, so learning everyone’s names is quite hard. It’s easy to nickname them though, and at one school in particular there were certain attributes that just jumped out.

These are my personal nicknames. I don’t actually call the kids these, and soon you’ll see why. Some aren’t particularly nice, but I never claimed to be a saint.

Bessie – Her face, her body, everything just droops down, like a cow. Hey, I warned you not all of these were nice. She’s a nice girl, but apparently gravity has already kicked her ass.

Ah-buuh – She got this nickname because her lips ARE NEVER CLOSED. She’s a quiet girl so it’s not that she’s talking. It’s just she always leaves her bottom lip hanging down, and “Ah-buuh” is the sound you’d imagine coming from that face.

One day, I was in class, and I saw a girl I’d never seen before. I spent a few minutes trying to figure out who she was. A new student? A transfer? Did I just never notice her before? Eventually, I came to the shocking realization that it was Ah-buuh with her lips closed. I didn’t even recognize her.

Gill – She has a face like a fish. Really, really nice girl. Just… aquatic.

Velma – This girl looks exactly like the Japanese version of Velma from Scooby-Doo. Exactly. Case in point: one day I was out with a friend and spotted her in a store. “Hey, it’s Velma!” I mistakenly said aloud to myself. My friend had never seen her before or heard the nickname, so he turned to me and said, “Velma? Like Scooby-Doo? Who are you calling-” just then he looked up, “HOLY SHIT THAT IS VELMA!”

Same kind of face, same hairstyle, same glasses, and it doesn’t help that her uniform is a baggy polo shirt, a skirt, and knee high socks.

I’m still looking for the Japanese Shaggy.

Porn Star – I don’t know why I gave her this nickname. She’s really spunky and has a cute smile and is always energetic. Porn Star was the first thing that came to mind. I’m a terrible person.

Rico Suave – Oh boy, this guy. He works so hard at being cool, it’s funny. He’s always posing in his chair, and then he’s always slow to respond to questions because he’s trying to think up something witty. He wants to be cool so bad but it all just comes off as cheesy.

Giggles – She never stops laughing. Ever. Apparently everything is funny. So, Giggles.

Mousey – This kid’s the smallest in the ichinensei class, which basically means he’s a runt. It also doesn’t help his case that his ears stick out. He’s actually kind of a brat, so I don’t feel too bad about this nickname.

Little Evil – This boy’s face just always looks like he’s pissed off. Even when he’s smiling, but that happens rarely. So it makes him look kind of evil.

For the record, I had to call him Little Evil because I already use Big Evil to refer to a Japanese actor with an evil-looking face. I consider him the Christopher Walken of Japan.

Glenda – Much like Little Evil, Glenda just looks like a villain. Actually, she looks a lot like a witch. This girl is super nice, though (she gave me chocolate on Valentine’s Day). So I felt mean giving her a bad nickname, and instead used Glenda, the good witch in the Wizard of Oz. It works for her.

Little Evil and Glenda are in the same class, and I always think “If they mated, their children would be pure evil.” Those kids couldn’t come out any other way.

I’ll end this entry on a redeeming note. All the kids I nicknamed? I know their real names. Giving them nicknames creates an association that helps me remember their proper names. So I’m not all bad, or at least I like to think.

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