Ass Wars Episode VI – Return of the Kancho
Mousey tried to kancho me today. This was kind of surprising, as I hadn’t had any attempts in a while.
You see, kancho is mostly an elementary school thing. I’m grateful to say, kids grow out of the “Hey! Wouldn’t it be fun to stick my fingers up someone’s butt?” phase somewhere around 12-13 years old. So it’s rare to get any kancho attempts from the ninensei or sannensei. The ichinensei on the other hand… While they’re not particularly prone to it, they might bust it out for special occasions. Like “welcoming” the new foreign teacher. April is particularly dangerous, because that’s when the ichinensei enter Jr. High School straight from elementary school. New school, new asses, it’s like unlocking hidden levels in Ass Raider or something.
I hadn’t had any attempts since last April. The new ichinensei had just entered Jr. High, and one day one boy tempted fate against me. Thanks to my trusty Kancho SenseTM I avoided getting my oil checked, but I realized that if I didn’t head this shit off at the pass, I’d have to be parrying them for at least the next few months. So I turned around and chased the boy down. He was surprised, he probably didn’t think I could move that fast. I caught him. I restrained him with my left hand, dropped to one knee, put my right hand back as far as I could, said, “One thousand years of pain!!” in the over-blown anime style and everything, and prepared to kancho him straight to Hell. The boy was freaked out. I think tears were even streaming down his face. I don’t blame him. In retrospect, I can’t even imagine. You’re a 12-year-old Japanese boy being forcibly restrained by a large black man who is bound and determined to penetrate your ass. I would have been crying too.
So I wound up to deliver the Unholy Kancho, but stopped just inches short of the mark. I then spun the boy around, and addressing not just him, but the crowd that had gathered around him, I said, “Now, that is your warning.” I didn’t have any kancho attempts after that. I only did this at one school, but I imagine news of the event spread like wildfire to the other two.
However, Mousey didn’t quite get it. Despite being a ninensei now, he acted like an elementary school kid. Worse sometimes. So I was standing in the hall, my Kancho SenseTM distracted while I talked to one of my (cute) young teachers. Thankfully, I had my emergency fallback – my baggy pants, and Mousey missed. But not by much. I almost let this slide, but I knew if I did I might as well bend over and paint a bullseye on my ass. So I caught up to him and put him in a headlock as he was on his way to class.
“What in the world did you just do?” I ask.
“Kancho.” He says nonchalantly, as if it’s the most natural thing in the world to try and ram your fingers up someone’s ass.
“Uh-huh. If you ever try that again, I will give you the biggest kancho in the history of Japan,” I say. “General Tojo will feel it 60 years ago, and call his planes back before they get to Pearl Harbor. Got it?”
I expect not to have anymore kancho problems for a while.