You WILL Love Me
The sannensei are going to graduate this March, about a week from now, in fact. This is actually kind of depressing, as the sannensei at all three of my schools are really great, and I can honestly say I’m going to miss them.
I love these guys, and apparently the feeling is mutual.
Last week I had the final sannensei class at one of my schools. At the end of class, they gave me an envelope, containing goodbye letters they’d written to me. In English! [*sniff*] While working this job, I’ve found that if you give a Japanese student a piece of paper, they’re a lot more willing to write down their feelings and impressions than they are to say them out loud. I was not aware, however, of how… uh… spirited they can be.
I had two boys ask me to marry them. There’s something in the back of my head saying, “Dude, that’s weird,” but I’ve been in Japan long enough that the voice has become a muted whisper. One boy’s final message to me was, “Every one enjoy when you say (Raw Shaved Pussy) in Japan.” Of course, “Raw Shaved Pussy” was in Japanese, I bet you a bucket of donuts he didn’t think I knew what it meant. (Don’t ask how I know that, I just do. And I’m not telling you the Japanese version, either.) It’s a good thing he’s graduating, because guess what his nickname would have been from then on.
I also had a lot of love confessions from the girls. A lot. I tried to attribute it to translation errors, but I think the girl is fairly serious if she took the time to figure out how to say, “I love you, I want you, I need you,” in English. As Keanu Reeves so eloquently put it in the Matrix and, well, every other movie he’s been in, “Whoa.” I got quite a few, “I love you forevers”, and one girl wrote, “I’m very sad to think of good by…But…I LOVE YOU FOREVER. AND. You WILL love me.” Ho-oly shit. That is some Kathy Bates Misery shit right there. I had no idea this was going on.
One girl thanked me for being her boyfriend at this school. I found that interesting for two reasons.
1. I was her boyfriend? That’s something I would have liked to know. I guess my Gaijin Telepathy is getting a little rusty.
2. I was her boyfriend… at that school?! How many other boyfriends does she– No, wait. I think I’m better off not knowing.
If only they were 10 years older. And, you know, not my students.
There’s one girl who’s got a hard crush on me I think. She is one of my favorite students, not necessarily because her English is good, but because she’s always willing to try, which goes a long way in my book. I started to suspect she may have a little thing for me when I noticed her touching me. A lot. In the winter time, she’d come up to me and say, “It’s cold!” Then take both of my hands in hers under the guise of warming her hands. Then she upped it a bit to taking me by the arm (literally hugging my arm) and walking around with me. Then she moved onto hugging me. Whenever she saw me. And whenever she left. So if I just passed by her in the hallways, that was an automatic two hugs right there. Some days, the total ran up to ten hugs.
I always thought it was kind of cute and innocent, so I never really gave it much thought. Until the last class, that is. I was to take a picture with the class. There was a chair in the center for me to sit on, and the students would stand around me. This girl of course took me by the arm and led me to the chair. She then made sure to secure the position directly behind me, and wrapped her arms around me from behind. Oooooo-kay. Well, that’s not too bad, right? Yeah, no cause for concern. But what in the world is she pressing up against my head now? I should’ve been happy in my ignorance, but curiosity got the best of me, so I did something monumentally stupid.
I know it was monumentally stupid now, but hindsight is always 20/20. It shouldn’t have been too hard to just figure out what she was doing, but I never claimed to be the sharpest tool in the toolbox. So I turned my head to look…
…and suddenly found my face buried in 15-year old, underdeveloped Japanese boobies.
I turned my head back as quickly as possible, but the damage has been done. The damage to me I mean, the girl didn’t seem too bothered. Actually, as I turned back around she tightened her grip on me a bit. If there is any possible way, any loophole in physics or genetics, even a percentage of a percentage– if there is any way for me to have gone pale, I guarantee you I went a brilliant shade of ivory white. I would’ve made Casper the Ghost look like Eddie Murphy.
I am now officially going to hell. I mean, I thought I was before, but this just guarantees it. Accidental or not, I can’t imagine burying your face in a 15-year old Japanese girl’s sweater will go over too well with the boys upstairs. I can already see it, I’d be at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter would be checking my record, “Let’s see here… 20 years of charity work, you saved 4 burning orphanages, helped 1,429 old ladies cross the street… waitaminute, what’s this? You played snuzzlebunnies with a 15-year old Japanese girl!? You sick puppy, down you go!” Actually, I don’t even think I’d get that far, I imagine the second I die a hole in the ground will just open up and swallow me whole, and shoot me directly to the Fifth Circle.
Again, I’m virtually handcuffed here. With all the students gathered around me, and the teacher in front ready to take the picture, I couldn’t very well stop the proceedings and ask, “Hi… can you stop rubbing your boobies against the back of my head? Thanks.” With her arms wrapped around me, too, I couldn’t even lean forward to get some distance. She must have realized this, as she leaned forward to even further press them against my head.
Must’ve made for one interesting picture.