It’s So… Quiet?!
I was scheduled to go into the school where I sit next to Noisy Fucker. I was mentally preparing myself for it like I always do, only to discover that he’d taken a vacation day that day.
Yes!!! Sweet, blessed silence!
Apparently though, I’m not the only one who thinks this. All day long, all the other teachers kept saying, “It’s so quiet today.” After the 4,000th “It’s so quiet” remark, one teacher finally decided to say what everyone else was thinking. He sat back, “Yeah, and you know exactly why. He’s not here.”
“Oh, is that so?” another teacher feigned ignorance.
“You know it!” He pointed to the empty seat, and kept pointing to it for awhile. “All day long, talking talking talking. And when he’s not talking, he’s on the PA system.”
“Who is he talking to all day long?” In Japan they like to keep the pretenses up for as long as they can.
“He doesn’t need a partner. He’ll talk to the air around him.”
This is true, if no one else is having a conversation he can jump into, he’ll literally just start chatting up the atmosphere.
It took everything I had to keep from cracking up in my seat. Not only because it was funny to see the other teachers had the exact same thoughts I did, but mostly because the guy who was talking the most shit was Noisy Fucker #2, the guy who sits across from him. Granted, Noisy Fucker #2 has nothing on the champ, but that doesn’t make him any less of a noisy fucker. This guy stands up in the morning meeting, every morning, and goes, “Well, I’ve got nothing in particular… but I’m gonna talk for the next 10 minutes anyway.”
The Champ returned the next day and wasted no time making up for lost speech. I had some spare time, so I tried to see how long he could go without making any sound at all. He never made it past 3 minutes. I think I was on my 20th time reset when I just threw up my hands and put my fingers in my ear or something.
He even makes noise when he enters the room! He opens the door and lets out some kind of “Aaaahhh!” or “Whoooooooo!” or “Haaaaaaaa” sound. Who the hell does that?! Have you ever seen anyone vocalize just from entering a room? He’s not even talking, he’s just making sounds for the hell of it. That’s not fair! Can’t we bring him up on “Disturbing the peace” charges or something like that? This almost certainly has to count.
I keep hoping one day his vocal chords will give out, but then I realized that with all the training they get on an hourly basis, his throat muscles are probably stronger than my triceps.