Home > I Am a Japanese School Teacher > I Am Penis Man

I Am Penis Man

I went back to Heiwa Junior High for the first time since the groping incident. I was a little nervous, but really, it was only one kid, and I figured I could handle one kid. I mean, after all I’m still a really big black guy. Sometimes I tend to forget that. Hey, you’d forget yourself, too, if all you ever saw in front of you was Japanese people. Once, while walking in a crowded train station, I passed something that completely freaked me the hell out… until I realized it was my reflection in a mirror. “Whoa, you don’t see that shit everyday!” was my very first thought, and for an instant I completely understood all the staring.

The boy who groped me, as it turned out, didn’t pose any sort of problems for the week I was there. Instead I faced two completely new ichinensei boys. The first is yet another Kancho Assassin, except he’s really Japanese about it. I was walking around outside with the sports clubs, when I caught him sneaking up behind me with his fingers in the classic pose. I raised an eyebrow and gave him the universal “Nuh-uh” look. What happened next though, I have to say is a first for me at least.

He lifted his Kancho-ready hands, got the “I want a bicycle for Christmas, Santa!” expression on his face, looked up and me and politely said, “Is it alright to Kancho you?”

In the almost two years I’ve been in Japa… no– over the 24 years I’ve existed on this planet, that is most definitely the first (and hopefully the last) time anyone had politely asked if they may stick their fingers up my ass.

Me: Most certainly not. You do, and it’s my turn. One Thousand Years of Pain.

Him: One Thousand Years of Pain, huh?

Me: Yep. (putting my hands together in the Kancho Pose.) A whole thousand years.

Him: (looking at my hands) Whoa, that’s pretty big.

Me: Sure is. (leaning in closer, and whispering in his ear) All the way.

Now, he didn’t say anything in response to that, but his face displayed the universal “Oh SHIT!” look so I think he got the message.

The other boy isn’t a Kancho Assassin; he has yet to even try it. No no, his problem is that he’s always busy obsessing on his own penis.

OK, all little boys are somewhat fascinated with their equipment at some point. It is a wonderful piece of machinery, I have to say. I remember being that age myself, and just the thrill of the discovery, “Whoa, what’s going on here?! Wait a tic, you mean I can do this… by myself?! Anytime I want?! Holy shit, it’s GAME ON!”

This boy however definitely takes it a step too far. He’s a member of the tennis club. I was once again walking around the sports clubs, when I came upon him and some other of the ichinensei tennis boys. “Tennis?” the boy says in English (as opposed to the Japanese – tenisu) while holding up his racket. I smile, starting to think that maybe, just maybe, I’m starting to make a difference here. “Yes! Tennis!” I excitedly exclaim. The boy holds up his racket again. “Penis?”


No, not penis, tennis. I try to correct him. He makes sure to correct me by putting the racket between his legs and swinging it around, grinning and exclaiming “Penis! Penis!”

You wish kid.

When I finally went to the ichinensei’s class, there was a little time before the bell, so the boy challenged me to a game of Paper, Rock, Scissors (called Janken in Japan). I threw scissors, beating his paper. Jokingly, I beheld the scissors and said, “Ah, the power of scissors.” For round two, his rock beat my scissors. In a similar manner, he beheld his rock, and I kind of thought he was going to say, “Ah, the power of rock.” What he did say was, “Ah, the power of my penis”, and I just found myself thankful he didn’t actually whip it out. I have no idea what counters Penis (well, theoretically scissors, but that’s just wrong).

Later, during class, at one point he randomly shouted out, “I am Penis-Man!” I gave him a strange look, and he said, “You don’t really say that in America, huh?” No, I don’t suppose we do. What kind of fucked up superhero is that?! Boy, the Justice League really is scraping the bottom of the barrel now.

Superman: Okay, Lex Luthor is starting shit again, so we gotta go take care of business. Batman, you run some scenarios in that supercomputer of yours. Wonder Woman, you fly in with your invisible plane and do some recon. Penis-Man, be prepared to slap any bitches that step out of line.

Aquaman: Oh, what about me!? What about me!?

Superman: Um…you stay here. Guard the headquarters…y’know…just in case any giant octopuses decide to attack…

Aquaman: …In the middle of Manhattan?

Superman: Well, you just never know.

But guess what his new nickname is now.

After class, the boy got up and starting walking towards the back of the room, but doing so by thrusting his crotch forward and doing the Degeneration-X crotch-chop/highlight with every step. As weird as this was, I found myself thanking my Lucky Charms that it’s his penis he’s so fascinated with, not mine.

Welcome to Japan.

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