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The Final Wall

I was sitting at my desk after school one Tuesday, when Watson dropped by, sticking his head into the teacher’s room. After the almost obligatory “Watch, please!” “No! Go buy your own!” he started to heckle the other teachers. Noisy Fucker was on his way out, so with Watson blocking the doorway he grabbed some big pole thing that was forked at the end, and used it to push Watson out of the doorway, and pin him against a wall. “This is a good place for you, isn’t it?” Noisy Fucker says. Out of ALL the teachers in the teacher’s room, Watson calls out to me – “Help, help! Come save me!”

It was at this exact moment that I realized Watson lives in his own separate reality, completely different from our own. Given the countless times he’s tried to sexually molest me, AND steal my watch, AND ride me like a horse down the hallways of the school, after ALL of that, of ALL the people in the teacher’s room who he thought could’ve bailed him out of this situation, he turns to me?! Cute, kid. I’d like to visit this alternate reality Bizarro-Universe of yours someday. Just hook me up with a nice teachers discount on airfare, that’s all I ask.

“Help you?” I call out. “I’m rooting for Noisy Fucker on this one!” Watson scowls at me, but eventually Noisy Fucker lets him go and he scampers away. I came to find out that he usually drops by the teacher’s room, sticks his head in, and gives the teachers some form of harassment. Today, all the teachers comment on the slight facial hair he’s starting to grow. Watson is, after all, a sannensei. “I guess he’s growing up.” The Vice-Principal says. There was a slight pause, and the weight of that comment fully sank in. Noisy Gentleman is the first to respond. “Yet somehow, it doesn’t quite feel that way.”

What I love about Noisy Gentleman, is that you can count on him to say what everyone else was thinking but wasn’t going to say.

The next day, I was going back to the teacher’s room from a class, when I ran into Watson again. Like always, he tried to jump on my back and ride me back to the teacher’s room. This time, my arms and legs were badly scratched up from an accident I’d had earlier in the day, and with my English teacher seriously telling him to knock him off, I was able to avoid becoming a Greyhound bus that day. But Watson still lingered around, for what devilish purpose I didn’t know yet.

Before I got to the teachers room, I ran into another sannensei boy, who stopped me with a question.

Boy: Hey, do you know (some kid’s name)?
Me: Hmm. Doesn’t ring a bell.
Boy: You know, (kid’s name)!
Me: Is he a student here?
Boy: No, he’s a student at the School of Peace.
Me: Ah, okay. Well, I know everyone’s face, but names are a little harder…
Boy: Ah, I see. Well, he’s kind of round and pudgy like Watson here…
Watson: I’m pudgy! (He says this with a smile and zest, as if he were proud of it)
Boy: But he’s not an complete ass like Watson…
Watson: Yeah, but he’s not an….HEY WAIT-A-MINUTE!

I couldn’t help but to laugh here.

Watson: (to me) Hey! Don’t laugh at that!
Boy: It’s okay to laugh, because it’s true.
Watson: You guys are mean!
Boy: No, you’re just an ass.

Defeated, Watson runs off at this point. But not before giving me a sharp open-palmed finger-jab to the nuts … What the shit? Is that what we’ve come to now, eh Watson? If you can’t touch it, destroy it? I shunned all the people who emailed me with suggestions of wearing a cup to school, but maybe it was a better idea than I thought. This shit is getting dangerous.

10 years in the future

Me: Honey, I have something to tell you. I’m terribly sorry, but I am unable to produce children.
Wife: Oh my God. Why not? What happened?
Me: Well…ten years ago…a 15-year old Japanese boy jabbed me in the nuts and…I’m sorry, it’s still difficult to talk about…*sob*

Little did I know, this was only the beginning of the end.

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Categories: Gaijin Smash
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