Probably the most popular act in Japan right now is a guy who calls himself “Razor Ramon Hard Gay”. He wears studded black leather and goes around saying stuff like “Hard Gay Power! Fooooooo!” and dry humping as many random people and objects as he possibly can. And no, I’m not making this up.
Yes folks, this is what passes for “entertainment” in this country.
I’m not going to be too hard on Hard Gay though (no pun intended), as he’s actually funny, unlike the other untrained monkeys they throw on TV to take endless stupid quizzes and eat endless dish after dish, while making the same “It’s delicious!” face over and over again. I really hate Japanese TV. The only upside is that Kiefer Southerland has done some 24-themed commercials, so occasionally we get to see Jack Bauer own the hell out of random Japanese women.
Anyway, Hard Gay is loved by many in Japan, adults and children alike. Wait, what? Kids? Yessiree Bob, kids follow the Hard Gay phenomenon as well. Although my kids haven’t been prone to anything other that a few random “Fooooooo!”‘s here and there, some of my friends who work in elementary schools tell me that it is not at all uncommon to see a little kid run down the hallway screaming “Foooooooo!”, or to catch a little boy or girl dry humping the ever-loving bejeezus out of something.
You see Japan, this is EXACTLY what’s wrong with your country.
And yes, Japan is fucked up, don’t give me that “it’s so nice they’re comfortable with their sexuality” shit, it’s fucked up. Hard Gay has been known to visit elementary schools in person. I saw one show where he went with some other untrained monkey, who was wearing similar clothes as him (Hard Gay in Training? Stiff Gay?). They were eating lunch with the kids, and Junior Gay pissed this one little girl off by stealing her food. She started to cry and to make her feel better, Hard Gay went over and softly humped her shoulder. The little girl got up and started hitting the other guy over the head, so then Hard Gay “got in line” and bent over so he could get his ass smacked. I want to stress that here in Japan, this is perfectly acceptable. Funny even. Back in America? Lawyers’ heads would explode from the magnitude of the JOYGASM they’d get over the sheer amount of lawsuits they could possibly file against a guy wearing black leather and asking school kids to spank his naughty ass.
I like to think I’m a laid back guy, easy going, not at all uptight and with no stick up my ass. Growing up around San Francisco will do wonders for your “Meh, do whatever” attitude. So I’d like to think I’m not a prude, but no matter how you slice it, I just can’t get aboard the “men dressed up like Village People rejects dry humping the shit out of little kids” train. I just can’t. This isn’t a gay thing either, I’d find it equally odd if a guy dressed in diamond studded black leather calling himself Hard Straight was going around the countryside and encouraging vigorous crotch-rubbing on anything you could possibly rub your crotch on.
But like I said, I’m a laid back kinda guy, so I’m not at all outraged nor do I have my geriatric panties in a bunch (“IF I KNEW WHO TO CALL TO GET SOMETHING DONE ABOUT IT, I WOULD”) I just kinda think this kind of thing helps contibute to the fucked-up-ness of Japan. You know, things like women getting mass-groped on trains, tentacle rape anime porn, vending machines that sell used girls panties (yes, it is real, although I’ve never seen one I know friends who have), billions upon billions of upskirt fetishists, THAT kind of fucked up.
Therapist: So, tell me exactly when your sexual fetish for paper clips started.
Woman: Hmm, I’d have to say about 15 years ago … when that Hard Gay fellow humped the shit outta my uterus. That was really when things started going downhill.
Hey, it’s plausible.