The ninensei at the School of Peace did English Skits again. I swear, you could just make DVD’s out of these performances and you’d have a blockbuster hit on your hands. When I learned that they would be performing again, I instantly dropped to my knees and thanked all the important Gods I believe in – The (Burger) King, Jack Bauer, and Nintendo. As usual, neither they nor the kids disappointed me.
Ultimate Sweetness starts off in a vendor skit with her best friend and two other girls. The two other girls introduce themselves before the skit as “Man 1” and “Man 2”. Ultimate Sweetness’ best friend is a popcorn vendor. Ultimate Sweetness steps forward, smiles, tilts her head, and does a Mary Poppins-esque bow as she says “I’m a beautiful woman.” And somewhere in the world, a terrorist drops his gun as he realizes he can’t possibly carry out violence on the same planet that Ultimate Sweetness inhabits.
Anyway, the vendor is minding his store when he gets called away. The two “men” come by and remark that they’re pretty hungry and want some popcorn. They wait for the vendor to return, who is taking a long time. After a moment, they go off to look for him. The beautiful woman walks by and also notices the popcorn. With no one around, she simply starts to scoop it up into her purse. As she’s finishing up, the two men come back…
Man 1: Hey! Don’t steal the popcorn!
Woman: But, I want it!
Man 2: You should pay for the popcorn.
Woman: Oh, but I don’t have to.
Man 1: Why is that?
Woman: Because I’m beautiful.
All the while Ultimate Sweetness is smiling and tilting her head, and I’m thinking about the triple bypass surgery I’m gonna need to clear my arteries of all the sugary cuteness. But I guess the message here is clear – beautiful people “find” popcorn while ugly people “steal” it. I wonder if my kids read Yahoo! News?
Just as the woman finishes up, the vendor returns to find his popcorn stolen. Angered, he turns to the two men. “We didn’t do it, it was that beautiful woman!” Man 1 points out Ultimate Sweetness who is walking by. She stops – “Who, me? I didn’t steal your popcorn! I could never do such a thing.” The vendor thinks about it for a second then decides that someone that beautiful can’t possibly be lying, or a thief. She takes the two men by the arm and goes off to have them arrested. The woman walks away with a bag full of free popcorn and a grin on her face. Moral of the story? Beautiful people win at life, I guess.
The next skit has three boys. The first boy introduces himself as a monster. The second boy introduces himself as a hero. The third boy introduces himself as a beautiful woman. What was hilarious about this was that this skit proceeded the popcorn one, so the third boy, who also played the role of “a beautiful woman” tried to imitate Ultimate Sweetness’s Mary Poppins-esque introduction, complete with the head tilt, curtsey, and hands to the face. It was about as cute as a pit bull doing ballet, and everyone laughed as such.
The performance starts with the … uh … “beautiful woman” walking on the street, doing the things that beautiful women are prone to do (I guess steal popcorn from unsuspecting vendors). Suddenly she’s attacked by the monster. “Help! Help!” she calls out. Enter the hero. But he doesn’t just enter the scene, no. With the help of some of his friends, the boy lays down on an AV cart as they push him across the room to simulate flying. He gets off the cart and says he is Ultraman, and he’ll save the girl. Ultraman and the monster start to scuffle. Ultraman pauses briefly to double over in pain, clutching his stomach. The fight resumes, but soon Ultraman is bent over again.
“I’m sorry. I must go toilet. Please excuse me.” Ultraman runs off, leaving the monster and the girl slightly bewildered. The monster gives an “eh, whatcha gonna do?” shrug and starts attacking the woman again. “Ultraman! Please come back! Please finish toilet!” The woman pleads for Ultraman to return, but Ultraman is apparently passing a small child through his digestive tract. The girl is killed by the monster. Ultraman returns just in the nick of too late, and as he sees the girl laying dead on the street, he exclaims “Oh no! I’m too late!”
“Yes,” the monster scolds him, “you are very, very bad. Did you have good toilet?”
“Yes, but” Ultraman clutches his stomach again. “I must go toilet again!” What the fuck did he eat for lunch, 14 refried bean burritos?
“Oh no!” exclaims the monster, and both he and Ultraman fall over, anime-style. The end. Moral of the story? In Japan, nothing takes precedence over a good shit. The sad/funny thing is, that’s actually true. I wonder if Superman ever had this problem? Like, he really needed to save Lois Lane, but the Nachos Supreme Clark Kent had for lunch is coming back with a raging passion. And since he’s Superman, wouldn’t the sheer force of his shit just destroy the toilet and the plumbing system? Maybe he could use it as a weapon! I know if I was a monster, nothing would discourage me more than getting blasted by a Super Shit.
Why the fuck am I thinking about Superman’s shit?
Four girls do Cinderella as their skit, with one as Cinderella, one as a wicked step-sister, one as the prince, and one as the narrator. The scene starts with Cinderella being slave-driven by the wicked step-sister.
Sister: Cinderella, cook my dinner!
Cinderella: Yes step-sister.
Sister: Cinderella, wash my clothes!
Cinderella: Yes step-sister.
Sister: Cinderella, clean my room!
Cinderella: Yes step-sister. Step-sister, do you love me?
The narrator explains that the prince of the country was looking for a wife, so he had a great ball. You all know the story. Anyway, the prince comes to the step-sister’s house holding the magical shoe, which the girls had constructed out of cardboard.
Prince: I’m looking for my princess. This is her shoe.
Sister: Oh, it must be my shoe! *takes it* Look, it’s perfect!
Prince: I don’t know, your foot is too big.
Sister: Hey, shut up.
Prince: *noticing Cinderella* What about that girl over there?
Sister: Her? She’s nothing. It’s my dog.
Prince: She must wear shoe too.
Cinderella: Okay. *she puts on the shoe – it’s a perfect fit*
Prince: This is your shoe! You are my princess!
Cinderella: I’m so happy!
Sister: *snatches the shoe away* It really is my shoe.
Prince: Are you sure?
Sister: Yes. It is my shoe.
Cinderella: But step-sister!
Sister: Hey, shut up.
Narrator: The wicked step-sister and the prince got married. And they lived happily ever after. And Cinderella died alone. The end.
What kind of fucked up fairy tale is this? Disney’s changed A LOT over the years. Or maybe that’s just how it goes in Japan, that’s a very real possibility.
Join us next time for the Japanese version of Goldilocks and the Three Bears, when the bears come home to find Goldilocks sleeping in their beds they dice that bitch up into big, medium, and small portions, and then sauté her over a yakiniku BBQ grill in a nice soybean sauce.
A three girl skit. One of the girls introduces herself as a confused man. Another is just a regular man. The third girl’s identity is “a secret.” The confused man is wandering around.
C.Man: Oh…where am I? Who? Who am I? *he spots the regular man walking around* Hey, you!
R.Man: What is it?
C.Man: *frantic* Can you help me?
R.Man: Uh … no.
C.Man: *raises her fist* Can you help me?
R.Man: Yeah, sure!
Ah, the power of violence.
C.Man: Where am I? Who am I?
R.Man: I don’t know that!
C.Man: Please help me!
The regular man punches the confused one, sending him to the ground knocked out. Regular man goes about his business. Confused man wakes up and suddenly remembers “Oh, I know! I’m a Buddha Hunter! I must go find cool Buddha!”
Don’t ask me.
Confused man turned Buddha Hunter goes out and finds regular man again (it was the same girl, but I don’t know if she was playing the same regular man or a different one).
Hunter: Hey you! You have to help me!
Hunter: I am a Buddha Hunter. I must find Buddha. Where is Buddha?
Man: Um … there is a Buddha in Nara.
Hunter: Nara? Where is Nara?
Man: It’s over there. Go that way.
Hunter: And I can find Buddha in Nara?
So Buddha Hunter goes off to find a Buddha in Nara (FYI – the girls are probably referring to the large Buddha Daibutsu in the Todai-ji temple in Nara, which is actually not to far from here). He wandered around a bit, looking perplexed and repeating that he must find a cool Buddha.
Next scene. Enter the third girl. She’s standing on a chair. In one hand, she holds a book near her waist. Her other arm is outstretched above her head, and she’s holding a piece of paper in her hand. Buddha Hunter wanders onto the scene.
Hunter: Oh! Oh! Where am I? *goes to the girl* Excuse me? Where am I?
Girl: This is America.
Wow. Buddha Hunter has a terrible sense of direction.
Hunter: What? America! No! I want to go to Nara! I must find Buddha. Who are you?
Girl: I’m not Buddha. I’m jiyu no megami. *she turns around the paper in her hand, which reads “Jiyu no Megami” – this means “The Statue of Liberty” in Japanese*
There’s something I have to explain here. The girl playing the Statue of Liberty has a really deep, almost sultry voice. Think of Jessica Rabbit from Who Framed Roger Rabbit. It’s rare in general, but especially for a 14 year old Japanese girl to have. Since she was playing a statue, she spoke very slowly, and her movements were very slow, stilted, and deliberate. At no point does even a hint of emotion ever cross her face. I explain this now, because it’s going to come into play in a minute.
Hunter: What? How can this be? I am Buddha Hunter! I must find Buddha! Buddha is very cool, and round, and cute. You are not cool or cute or round, and you are very ugly.
The Statue of Liberty girl drops her paper. Or, more accurately, it falls from her hand. She very slowly turns her head, and glares at Buddha Hunter. Buddha Hunter realizes she done fucked up. She backs away eventually tripping and falling to the ground. The Statue of Liberty girl very slowly gets down from the chair, and very slowly starts walking towards Buddha Hunter. “No, don’t come!” Buddha Hunter begs from her knees. Liberty girl reaches Buddha Hunter, and kicks her down to the ground. She raised her book above her head, then absolutely clobbers Buddha Hunter with it. This wasn’t just in the play, this girl smacked the hell out of the other girl with this book. With Buddha Hunter laid out on the ground, Liberty girl turns around, and just as slowly as she came, goes back, gets back on the chair, and assumes the Statue of Liberty pose.
Let me tell you, that was the scariest thing I have ever seen in my life. And I’ve seen some shit too – I’ve been in two major earthquakes, a very bad car accident, I climbed Mt. Fuji during a typhoon, I’ve seen lightening strike the ground in front of me, and I had to sit through all of “You Got Served.” But I just don’t have the vocabulary to articulate just how pants-pissing frightening this was. Her deep voice, her slow deliberate movements, and her completely emotionless face, it freaked me out. All the boys sitting on the floor watching got freaked out too – “That’s scary! That’s really scary!” they said, and they meant it. Some of them slid a few feet back from her. I was inching closer to the door myself. This made the Sadako coming out of the TV scene in The Ring look like the fucking Care Bears. I can’t look at this girl the same way, ever again. A few days after this, I passed her in the hallway, and just remembering this scene sent a shiver down my spine.
Men, you may want to re-think your fetish for Japanese girls a little bit. Just a suggestion.
The next skit featured three girls – one was “a young boy”, one was “a young girl”, and the last one introduced herself as “Cupid Mayonnaise. I am Cupid, but I love mayonnaise!” To prove her point, she produced two real mayo bottles from her blazer pockets.
“Cupid Mayonnaise” was played by Porn Star’s little sister, the same girl who was the “fat pig” in the ice cream skits when they were ichinensei. I would be worried about her eating habits, but since she’s Japanese I think she needs to step it up a little bit. Perhaps cheesecake wrapped in bacon, or better yet, just eat a whole stick of butter. With a refreshing glass of Aunt Jemima’s Pancake Syrup to drink.
Anyway, the young girl is walking along carrying her books. Cupid Mayonnaise (who is apparently invisible to the other two) crouches down on the floor (all the while clutching a bottle of mayo), so that the young girl falls over her and spills her books. The young man notices this, and while he’s helping the girl gather her books, Cupid Mayonnaise pulls out a bow and heart-shaped arrows (the students made it, and it actually looked pretty good). Cupid Mayonnaise shoots an arrow into the young boy, or she would have if her aim weren’t so horrible. The arrow went astray near the windows, but for the purpose of the skit they just pretended the arrow hit. The young boy immediately fell in love with the girl. She thanked him and left, leaving him smitten.
Later, the young boy meets the girl on the street. “I love you. Please date with me. Here, I bought you this ring.” He passes a ring box to her. She takes it and opens it, but then angrily says “What is this?” and throws it back to him. The boy opens the box, and is puzzled to find a packet of mayo. In the background, Cupid Mayonnaise shows off her brand new, shiny diamond ring. The girl says she never wants to see the boy again, and leaves. The boy falls to his knees, crying over his lost love. Cupid Mayonnaise goes to comfort him, apparently making herself visible now.
“There, there. It’s okay. Don’t worry!” To encourage the heart-broken lad, she gives him (can you guess?) a nice bottle of mayonnaise. She smiles and happily skips away, while boy is still on the floor, displaying a wonderful “WHAT THE FUCK?!” look as he’s out an expensive diamond ring and a girlfriend but gained a bottle of mayo. The end. Moral of the story? I have no idea.
After all the skits finished and the students were leaving the hall, I bumped into the girl who played the young boy. She held up her bottle of mayo and gave me the cheesiest grin I have ever been exposed to. Not even Kraft Macaroni could have outcheesed this grin. The combination of the grin and the mayo, I found it incredibly hilarious, even if my cholesterol shot up 1000%.
I suppose though “Cupid Mayonnaise” isn’t that far-fetched of a concept though, at least in Japan. The Japanese love mayonnaise. No, let me rephrase that – the Japanese frickin love mayonnaise. If you ever come to Japan, I’ll treat you to a shrimp and mayonnaise pizza, or maybe a potato, egg, and mayo pizza. You can eat all of it.