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Dirty Bitch

At the Ghetto School, my desk sits across from Ms. Americanized’s desk. I really couldn’t have asked for anything better. It’s like sitting through your craziest class alongside your best friend, who knows exactly how to crack you up. Except in this case, it’s a swearing Japanese woman.

One Friday after classes had gotten out, we were both grading papers. She handed me a class roster, and asked if I’d be okay with the Kanji (Chinese characters) used for the students’ names. I told her I’d gotten to know most name Kanji after 2 and a half years of living here. But I also took the Japanese Proficiency Exam, Level 2 recently. To give her an idea, I showed her a printout I’d made with the 1000 Kanji I needed to know for the test. Ms. Americanized flipped through it for a few moments, then handed it back to me along with a curt “Yeah, fuck that shit.”

I really ought to expect it by now, I really should. Her English doesn’t even have a Japanese accent to it. It’s amazing how naturally “Yeah, fuck that shit” just rolls off her tongue. It floored me, and again I could tell she was pleased with having floored me. I told her I can never get used to how naturally she can swear. “You can’t imagine that me of all people is a teacher, right?” she says half-jokingly. I told her it wasn’t that hard at all to imagine her as a teacher. Besides, the kids already know English swears. Seriously. I’ve taken to ignoring the bastard sannensei boys now, so to get my attention one day the worst boy (the same boy who once told me I “couldn’t just fuck” my girlfriend) called out to me, “Fuck you motherfucker!” This from a punk of a 15-year old Japanese kid.

Thank you MTV/rap music.

I told Ms. Americanized about the “Fuck you motherfucker!” thing. She laughed, and said “Better mother fucker than uncle fucker, right? I mean, that South Park.”

I guess that movie had a profound impact on her.

Before the weight of hearing a Japanese woman actually say what she’d said fully sunk in, she, as she is so good at doing, upped the ante. She sang, and here, let me emphasize that for you, she sang, “shut your fucking mouth, uncle fucker!” She then said “that’s got to be the worst, right?” It took everything in my power not to laugh my intestines out onto the floor. We then had a mini debate about which was worse – mother fucker or uncle fucker. We eventually just settled on both are pretty bad.

I feel that I have to stress here that not only is this all in English, I’m really not making this up. I’ve said this before, and it’s always been true, but I feel I have to say it again here. Part of me refuses to believe it unless I’d actually been a member of the conversation myself.

At that point, a female ichinensei student came into the teachers’ room looking for Ms. Americanized. She got up and talked to the student for a moment before coming back. When she returned to her desk, she looked up at me and said, “You know, I’m a teacher with two faces, it’s terrible.” This was of course intriguing, so I asked how so. “I’ve got two different faces, I’ve got the kind, gentle, caring face I show to my students but then I’ve got my other side, which is … which is totally a dirty bitch.”

Oh my God.

I still hadn’t recovered from that, when she decided apparently she just needed to put me away – “I’m serious! I can be the meanest, dirtiest bitch, I think I’m the dirtiest bitch that ever lived.”

Devil Az: …A-
Angel Az: Don’t. Even. Go there, son.

Of course, this absolutely had to be elaborated upon.

But first, we had to settle one very important matter…

Me: There’s no way you can be “the dirtiest bitch that ever lived” that title is reserved for my ex.
Her: *lights up* Oh right, I forgot! Yes, she is truly the Queen of Dirty Bitches. I lose to her. I can’t beat that.
Me: Yep. God that sucked.

With that out of the way, I pressed her as to why she thought she was a dirty bitch. She thinks about it for a few moments. “Well, when I’m driving, I often swear at people.”

And? Sweetheart, let me introduce you to a little something we Americans call “road rage”.

I told her this was perfectly normal. It’s something about being behind the wheel of a 2-ton vehicle powered by controlled explosions that just brings out the beast in all of us. Even my own mother, a generous condom-sending saint in her own right, has been known to swear out “SMAV’s” as she’s coined it, or “Slow-Moving Ass Vehicles”. I asked Ms. Americanized if she’d ever stopped the car to get out and beat/shoot someone ala Grand Theft Auto. “Of course not!” She says. Ok, you’re fine. Next point?

She thinks about it some more.

Her: Oh, I know! Those sannensei boys. I kill them.
Me: Huh?
Her: In my heart. I kill them in my heart. (I think she means she daydreams about doing bodily harm to them)
Me: Oh. Pfft, that’s perfectly acceptable. Next time you dream about that, include me won’t you?

Now, before you go thinking that we’re horrible people/teachers and start searching for who to call to get something done about it, know this – those sannensei boys are some of the dumbest ass-clown dipshits I’ve ever run across. They cause nothing but trouble for the teachers and the other students, and they seem to take pleasure in being the source of others misery. I even had to watch once as their antics reduced Ms. Americanized to tears, and when they saw her breaking down they laughed about it. A few weeks ago, one of them was arrested for attacking his own mother within the school (hey, I don’t call it the Ghetto School for nothing). I don’t consider myself to be particularly violent, but on more than one occasion I’ve imagined myself flinging them down a hallway, or chucking them through a window. A lesser man probably would have already done just that.

I reassured Ms. Americanized that this particular fantasy was justified. “Oh, okay. I guess I’m not a dirty bitch then.” she says. And call me a little crazy, but she actually sounded kinda disappointed at this.

Maybe I should buy her the “Nasty Bitch” t-shirt as a Christmas present. I don’t think anyone on Earth would get a bigger kick out of it.

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Categories: Gaijin Smash
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