Home > Gaijin Smash > Here Comes Santa Azrael

Here Comes Santa Azrael

The week of Christmas at the School of Peace, I was to give a talk about Christmas to the ninensei. I’d tried this last year, and talked about the birth of Jesus Christ and the three wisemen and what not (and I’m not even that religious!), and I was greeted by thirty blank faces. Maybe it would have gone over better if I’d said that later Jesus becomes a zombie? Anyway, learning from my mistakes, this year I decided to just talk about Santa Claus. Although the Santa image exists in Japan, it isn’t really prevalent, nor do they really know the dynamics of how it all works.

The English teacher had never heard the full story about Santa either. She found it interesting, and relayed it to her two kids, two elementary school girls, back at her home. The next day, she got a letter from her eldest daughter, to be passed along to Santa. The teacher found it interesting enough to share with her classes. It went a little something like this.

“Dear Santa,

I would like a tamagotchi (virtual pet). Many of the kids in my school have one, so I think I’d like one too. I guess you have to take care of it all the time, so a neck strap would also be pretty convenient. It would also be great if you could include the instruction manual, since I’ve never owned one before. They come in many different colors. I don’t have a particular preference, so I’ll leave that up to you. Well, that’s about it, but I do have one concern.”

And this was written on the back of the letter.

“In our house, we have a security system. So when you come, if you could please push ********* (she’d actually written the security code on the letter). This will let you come to our house without getting arrested. When you leave, if you could please push the “Going Out” button to reactivate the system, we would appreciate that.”

Anyway, on the last day I was to do my Santa talk, I decided to go ahead and wear my Santa suit. Yes, I do have a Santa suit. After all, there’s really only one time of the year when I can (justifiably) use it. I got a rise out of the kids, which is what I was aiming for. This class included Ultimate Sweetness, and as usual, during my talk she sat perfectly upright in her seat at the front of the class, hands folded across her desk as she paid 100%! attention. Actually, make that 110%!, as Sweetness still believes in Santa Claus. “Santa Claus has a big bag in which he carries presents for everyone” I explain. A look of realization spreads across her face, as you can actually see her thinking “Ah, so THAT’S how he does it!” Seriously, you can’t even look at this, it’s too disgustingly heart-warming.

Wanting to get more mileage out of the Santa suit, after the class I just wandered around the school still wearing it. Most kids ran up to me and said “presents please!” I told them to wait until Christmas Day, Ho Ho Ho. Santa Azrael isn’t made of money, nor does he have a magical bag in which he can pull anything out of (but not for the lack of trying). As I was making my rounds amidst the sannensei, I saw one boy come barreling out of his classroom, he bolted down the sannensei hall, then turned the corner into the hallway I was standing in. Still running at a sprint, when he came upon my position, he jump-kicked me. Yes, that’s right folks, Santa Claus got jump-kicked by a 15-year old Japanese boy.

Who the fuck jump-kicks Santa? Most people are usually pretty happy to see him I imagine. Even the little girl who caught Mommy Kissing Santa Claus wasn’t that upset, just mildly amused. She sure as hell didn’t Mortal Kombat him. If this doesn’t get you on the naughty list, I dunno what will. I’m still trying to ponder the ramifications of being Liu Kang’ed while wearing a Santa suit. It just doesn’t compute. And my doctor wonders why my collarbone isn’t healing that quickly. “Occupational hazards” I said. Unfortunately for me, my “occupational hazards” include getting finger-molested, and now apparently, getting jump-kicked while wearing a Santa suit. I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t go for the reindeer suit. God only knows what would’ve happened to me then. A shoryuken, perhaps?

Hope everyone has a Merry, non-jump-kicking Santa Claus Christmas.

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Categories: Gaijin Smash
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