Sushi and Sex
Sometime around 2nd period, Ms. Americanized asked me if I was good at handcrafts. I told her I wasn’t in particular, but I could get by depending on what it was. She told me she wanted to make a phone. We were going to have ichinensei’s class 5th period, and they were doing the phone call lesson. She wanted to have a phone as a prop. I told her I had some old cell phones at home we could use, but she dismissed the idea. “I want it to be really, really fake looking. That’s funnier. Everything has to be funny.”
This was the end of my creativity. She however, found a cardboard box, and over the course of an hour, made two phones – a big, bulky throwback to the “portable phone” boxes of the 80’s, complete with a sliding antenna fashioned out of two chopsticks taped together, and a sleek, flip-top cell phone. They came out pretty decently, and were a big hit with the students as she’d hoped. The impromptu project also succeeded in keeping the two of us entertained for a whole class period as she made them (Japanese productivity at work Ladies and Gentlemen). Who’da thought two grown adults could have been so easily entertained by a cardboard box? I mean, it’s not like – hey look, something shiny! Wheee!
Ahem. Anyway. Before the ichinensei’s class, we had a sannensei class. Much like we’d done before, we took a model conversation from the textbook, and allowed the students to create a skit out of it using their own ideas. This time, the model conversation was talking about famous people. Unfortunately, this year’s sannensei aren’t as creative as last years, so we didn’t get any “open your buttcrack” calibur skits. We did get this one though.
Boy 1: Do you know Cameron Diaz?
Boy 2: Cameron Diaz? Who is she?
Boy 3: She is the girl in Charlie’s Angels.
Boy 2: Let’s see, you mean the blonde one?
Boy 1: Right! That’s her!
Boy 3: I think she is very pretty.
Boy 2: I think so too.
Boy 1: But, do you know (Ms. Americanized) at (the Ghetto School)? I think she is the most beautiful woman in the whole universe.
Boy 3: Yes, I agree.
Boy 2: Yuck! I can’t believe that.
Boy 1: She is great. But, I want to eat her.
Now, “I want to eat her” holds two different meanings. Me being the dirty bastard that I am, by default I first thought of the dirty, sexual meaning. It floored me, until I realized, of course, that this boy was merely talking about eating Ms. Americanized like a food, not, well, you know. I am a horrible person. Worse than my students who want to ingest their own teacher.
Boy 2: No, you can’t. She is mine.
Boy 3: How could you eat her?
Boy 1: Well, I could make sashimi.
Ms. Americanized: No.
Boy 1: Or, we could boil her.
Ms. Americanized: NO.
Boy 1: Or, to fry her could be nice.
Ms. Americanized: NO!
Boy 2: Yes, it sounds delicious!
Boy 3: Ok, let’s all eat (Ms. Americanized)!
Ms. Americanized: ABSOLUTELY NOT!
She did grab her gut, and tell the boys that they could eat away that part of her. “Please, take it, I don’t need it,” she said. “No thanks,” Boy 1 says, “it wouldn’t be healthy and would probably taste terrible.” Well, at least Boy 1 is taking good care of his health.
One of the worst sannensei boys had made a rare appearance in this class. Probably because there was at least a stove heater in the classroom, and this day it was too cold outside to do his usual wandering around in the hallways or finding places to smoke where it wouldn’t set off the school alarms. As this group did their presentation, it was pretty funny so most of the class was laughing. So the bastard kid’s interest piqued as well. “What’d they say, what’d they say?” he demanded. Being a bastard sannensei boy, he wouldn’t know English even if English were to somehow personify itself, and then run up and kick him in the nuts.
So then Boy 1 proceeds to, almost scientifically, explain the contents of the skit in Japanese – “Well, we were talking about Cameron Diaz, and we thought she was very pretty. But then I said that (Ms. Americanized) was the most beautiful woman in the universe. (Boy 2) agreed, but (Boy 3) disagreed, and seemed to be disgusted at the notion. I then said that (Ms. Americanized) was so beautiful, I wanted to eat her, to which (Boy 2) said I couldn’t, because he wants to eat her as well. (Boy 3) asked how we could do it, so I thought we could make sushi out of her, or maybe boil her, or maybe barbeque her. We then all agreed to go eat (Ms. Americanized).” To which the bastard boy said “Oh, I see” and went back to reading his comic book.
Afterwards, as other groups were presenting their skits, Ms. Americanized scanned the room to find students who hadn’t gone yet. She found one boy sitting in the back of the room. He’s a bad sannensei boy, but this wasn’t always the case – he was actually quite a good student when he was a ichinensei and ninensei, but is part of a group of boys who decided to join the bastards in their third year. “Have you finished your skit?” Ms. Americanized asked. “I didn’t do it at all.” he says. Ms. Americanized tells him he has five minutes before the class is to end, why not come up with something? The boy begrudgingly agrees, if for no other reason than to shut her up.
Five minutes later the class ends, and while the boy wasn’t able to present, he did actually finish a skit, which he gives to Ms. Americanized. She reads it, then with a look on her face that is half amusement, half bewilderment, gives me the paper and says “This is what that boy wrote just now, you gotta read this shit.” I took the paper and read it.
A: Do you know Monburan?
B: Monburan? Who is she?
A: She is the porn actress.
B: Let’s see…you mean the very very erotic?
A: Right! That’s her. She is my favorite porn actress.
A: She is very cute and very erotic.
A: What’s your favorite porn actress?
B: My favorite porn actress is Aoi Sora.
A: Aoi Sora?
B: Yes, she is nice. I’m a big fan of hers.
A: Are you? What kind of porn video do you like?
B: My favorite porn video is SM.
A: Oh, it’s nice. What do you think of her?
B: I try to sex to her.
What killed both of us was that this boy, who’d spent the entire period playing around with the other bastard boys on their cell phones, not only managed to come up with skit about porn stars that was, save a few errors here and there grammatically perfect, but that he did so in five minutes or less. We’d given the other students two whole class periods, and had given them plenty of help in the process.
“He’s smart,” Ms. Americanized said. “A raging perv, but smart.”
I however, wondered where the fuck a 15-year old Japanese boy was getting his hands on S&M porn. Ms. Americanized turns to me, and gives me a look as if I’d just asked what color the sky was. “This is Japan.” She says simply.
Truer words were never spoken.