I Think I’m Becoming Japanese
Live here long enough, and not only do you get desensitized to the madness, you find it starts enveloping you. The process is slow/gradual enough to the point where you don’t even notice it. It takes another, non-assimilated Gaijin friend to point out to you your own madness. Having been here almost three years, I’ve noticed I’ve got a pretty good foot in the doorway of insanity. Here are some disturbing thoughts of mine I’ve catalogued lately.
— Reading porn on the trains is perfectly acceptable. And it’s not at all weird for the newspapers to have a porn insert. Because sometimes, a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.
— A boy trying to grab my penis or stick his fingers up my ass is merely in his glorious Springtime of Youth. I can still remember my Springtime of Youth, sitting on my friend’s laps, grabbing at each other’s penises. What wonderful days.
— Women are cute little creatures who should always wear skirts, 4 pounds of makeup (hey Morpheus, gimme that blue pill!) and rear my children. Sometimes, they get upset, but that’s okay, it’s cute. If you wanna pacify them though, buy them something expensive. Louis Vuitton for the win.
— You know, Japan has four seasons. How about your country?
— There are 3 major food groups – fish, rice, and whatever isn’t fish or rice. The last group will shorten your life span, and make you smell bad though.
— Everything must be explained in thorough detail. Even if I already know it. Even if it’s something that has been the same since the mud dropped from the spear of the Gods and created the island nation of Japan, it still must be explained. Twice. Then, I must give my impressions about it.
— The atomic bomb was truly a tragic event in human history. And the Japanese are very pitiable to have been the only country to have been A-bombed. Every American should visit Hiroshima at least once to truly appreciate the horror. What? Pearl Harbor? Axis Powers? Atrocities in China and Korea? I have no idea what you’re talking about.
— Why do today what you can delegate to someone lower? If you are that someone lower, you can delegate it to tomorrow.
— Monday is a public holiday? Woo-hoo! Two-day weekend!
— You’re not a man unless you drink and smoke. Everyday. Many times a day. If you do one without the other, you’re still a pussy.
— Peanuts is the story of an adorable dog named Snoopy, with a minor supporting cast of the humans he runs around with.
— Koda Kumi – aren’t you cold? Perhaps you should put on a sweater and go rear some babies.
— Could there be anything more entertaining than watching celebrities eat on TV? Look how succulent and juicy the food is! Watch as their faces shine as the deliciousness causes them to shout out “oishii/umai!” Ah, the joys of living vicariously.
— When kids are not in school, they should be in their school clubs, or cram schools. What else would they do with their time? Play games? Use their imaginations? Spend time with their families? Such nonsense!
— Did you happen to see the 2006 Torino Shizuka Arakawa Wins Gold in Ladies Figure Skating? It was magnificent, truly wonderful! Olympics? What?
— A conversation with my girlfriend while watching TV
Me: Hey, that’s Gotoh Maki, isn’t it?
Her: Yeah, do you know her?
Me: Not really. I just read the name kanji. But, she used to be a member of Morning Musume, didn’t she?
Her: Yeah, that’s right. A few years back.
Me: Why the fuck do I know that?
Her: Your transformation into a Japanese person is coming along nicely. There, there, you don’t have to cry.
Me: Yes I do.