Home > Gaijin Smash > Be Gentle

Be Gentle

I went home for Spring Vacation. But I didn’t go alone. My current girlfriend came with me, who actually wanted to visit America (she’d never been) and wanted to meet my folks. I kind of wanted her to meet my parents too and get their opinion of her. I brought the last one, the infamous ex, home as well, and that didn’t go so well. My parents were nice and welcoming to her of course but I found out later that they hated her. Come to think of it, pretty much everyone (except me somehow) hated her. My parents, all my friends. I could’ve introduced her to Mother Teresa, and Teresa would have spit in her face and kicked her in the shin. Upon learning I’d be bringing a girlfriend home again, my dad reportedly said “Great, he’s bringing another hoochie-cootchie back with him.” That is an exact quote.

This time however things went quite well. My parents really liked her, and they got along well despite the language barrier. My girlfriend doesn’t speak a whole lot of English and it took Mom all of three days to learn “konnichi wa” (and she still butchers the pronunciation). Despite that, they still conversed using what they knew.

Mom: Kyoto seems like a beautiful city. I’d like to go visit someday.
Her: Yeah. Come on.

At one point, I was alone with my Mom, and she told me that she really liked this one. She then took this opportunity to give me some advice, but because this is me we’re talking about, of course it wasn’t normal advice. I again have to stress here that I’m honestly not making this up.

Mom: She’s a really nice, sweet girl. So I want you to be gentle with her. You hear me? That goes for sex too. Only gentle sex, no rough sex. You don’t need to tear her up.
Me: Oh my God, you must know that you are the absolute *LAST* person I want to hear this from.
Mom: I’m serious. She’s really small too so I don’t even think she could handle it. I don’t want you hurting her, so be gentle, okay?

This confirms it – I’m am officially God’s court jester or something. I mean, I could write one or two incidents off as coincidence, or weird luck, but this kind of shit always happens to me. Seriously, how many of you can say your mom has told you not to have rough sex with your partners? Show of hands, anyone? This is fucked up.

I’m gonna be with her too and this shit’s gonna boomerang back and haunt me, I *JUST* know it.

Her: Oh yeah baby, harder, harder!
Me: I’m sorry, I can’t. My Mom said I have to be gentle with you. C’mon down from the light fixture, we can’t do that kind of thing anymore.

God, dude? You really need to get cable or something, cause I don’t know how much more of this I can take.

Categories: Gaijin Smash
  1. September 12, 2010 at 4:46 pm

    …Your Mum knows waaay too much about your sexlife than any sane Mother should. It’s almost creepy…

  2. December 29, 2011 at 10:41 am

    Dude this shit is seriously funny – way funnier than that Seinfeld dude and he made boatloads of cash for his crap! You should start writing comedy sketches…

    Please ignore the fact that the compliment is coming from a pathetic asshole who posts comments on 5-yr old blog posts.

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