Catch-Up Part 1 – Skanks ‘R Us
Looking back over the archives (which are chronologically correct now, stop hating), I noticed that there are a few entries that somehow got left out. Perhaps quality control decided they weren’t up to my usual literary excellence? Through, compared to other entries on this site, I’m not quite sure what that literally excellence is. “When Az talked about getting his dick grabbed by 13 year old Japanese boys, I felt as if I knew exactly what he was going through! Even though I’m Norwegian! And female!”
Anyway, I kind of like these entries, so I’d like to repost them. I have gone through and updated the writing to meet my quality control standards though (at least one obscure Transformers/Street Fighter reference in every editorial. Damnit). So if you’ve never read these before, enjoy, and if you were a fan of the Outpost Nine site, why not give the new sexy revised version another spin? It’s like your girlfriend comes home one day and her breasts have gotten one cup bigger. Its not like the sex changes any…but hey, it’s a lot more bouncy, and there aint nothing wrong with that.
Additionally, the re-post here will give me time to work on other things that desperately need my attention now. Such as my book proposal, which I have not given the attention it deserves for far too long.
This is the “Skanks ‘R Us” story. It originated from my “In-Defense FAQ” where I casually mentioned having been propositioned for sex from some underaged girls. Silly me, I thought that people would just read that and kind of forget about it. Somehow, I didn’t realize that this was the ultimate bait. It’s like the biggest, fattest, juiciest worm on that hook, and I somehow expected the fishies NOT to bite. Or, you know, its like waving a picnic basket in front of Yogi Bear and expecting him not to lunge for it. So my bait became an editorial, and really, it was inevitable.
In true Rocky & Bullwinkle style, this editorial is “Skanks ‘R Us”, or “How Az Ran Away From a Foursome…and Why That Was The Right Call”.
Me and a friend went to a town not too far from here. Going into Kyoto city is nice, but it’s 50 minutes and about $7 one way. Sometimes, you just want to keep it local. We had dinner, and were looking for a place to get some drinks. This was maybe a Thursday or Friday night. We were in the middle of a sort of main street in front of the station. We knew a friend who lived in the area, so my friend phoned her to see if she knew where any bars were.
Bars in Japan are not blatantly obvious. In America, usually you can tell at a first glance where a bar is. Maybe its the lights, maybe its the atomosphere, maybe its the drunken frat guys falling down in their own puke outside. Who can tell? But in Japan, bars don’t really stand out from any other building here. It could look like a antique shop or a bowling alley or even someone’s house. Even the final tell-tale sign fails, as Japanese people are falling down in their own puke everywhere. While this little town wasn’t that big, neither me or my friend felt like wandering around aimlessly, entering an establishment with a drunken, puking Japanese person in front of it only to find out that it was actually a library. Which is why we stopped and waited as my friend put in the call to someone who might be able to point us in the right direction.
While he was on the phone, I noticed 3 Japanese skanks sitting down in the main part of the street. You may ask me, “now, how do you know they were skanks just by looking at them?” This is something you’re just gonna have to trust me on. Its about the same as if I were to say “Richard Simmons is a flamboyant homosexual”. Maybe you’ve never seen Richard Simmons ever in your life, but if you did…you’d understand. These girls were Christina Aguilera Dirrty. They were all wearing *really* short skirts, and smoking cigarettes. The Head Skank kept staring at me, which I noticed. With my friend still on the phone, she waves me over.
Head Skank (In English): Picture. Picture.
Head Skank: Yeah, picture. (She points to me, and then herself and the other three girls)
Me (In Japanese): You want to take a picture with me?
Head Skank: You speak Japanese?
Me: Yeah, a little.
Head Skank: (turns to the other three) Wow, better than I thought! (back to me) Yeah, let’s take a picture.
There was the skank aspect, sure, but honestly I didn’t have a good reason to turn them down. At least, not that I could see. Besides, skanks flock to bars, maybe they knew a good place.
Now, there had been a couple of police officers hanging around the square. When we’d first come, they tipped their hats to us and said “Good Evening”. We were a bit relieved that they seemed to be nice, and weren’t keeping an extra eye on us because we were Gaijin. We also wondered why they were just standing around in the square. But this wasn’t too ununsual, as the crime rate in Japan is low (not counting the stuff the police just flat-out ignore), I imagine being a police officer in Japan must be pretty damn boring. If there were a Japanese version of the COPS TV show, instead of breaking up violent domestic disputes, we’d get to follow them around as they randomly stopped people on bicycles, checking to make sure its not stolen. Meanwhile, instead of just the suspect’s face, everything would be mosaic’ed – the street, the buildings in the background, everything except for maybe the police officer. …And people keep wondering why I hate Japanese TV so much.
Anyway, as my friend finished his phone conversation and headed towards me, one of the officers went to walk past him…but bumped into him with his shoulder intentionally. He didn’t say or do anything other than bump into him with his shoulder as he went by. My friend caught up with me, and I said I was going to go take pictures with these girls. He came along, but as he did he told me about what happened with the officer. At the time, we didn’t know what to make of it.
As we walked, the Head Skank was asking me all sorts of questions…where I’m from, what I do, etc. I was kind of weary, so I kept my answers as brief and general as possible. We found a picture booth and took a few pictures. My friend is also trying to talk to the girls using English and his broken Japanese.
Friend: So, how old are you girls anyway?
Skank #2: We’re 17.
Friend: 17?! High school students?!
Skank #2: Yep.
Friend: Weren’t you guys just smoking? It’s bad for you girls to smoke! Very bad.
Skank #2: (in Japanese) Oh, you don’t know how bad we can be.
Friend: (to me) What’d she say?
Me: (translates her line)
Friend: Ho-oly shit.
The pictures developed, and the skanks went to get some scissors to cut the pictures and divide them. I turn and look, and my friend is completely gone. I mean, he teleported like a Japanese person the hell out of there! The skanks came back and gave me my portion of the pictures. I noticed they’d written stuff on them pertaining to me, like “This guy is really interesting” and “International relationships”.
Head Skank: Hey, your friend’s gone.
Me: Yeah, I don’t know what happened to him.
Head Skank: That’s ok. We can play with just you.
I think it was here that I realized that these girls wanted to have sex with me. Which is a new record, I’m usually completely oblivious to when a girl wants me until well after the fact. I’m not talking hours or even days, I mean YEARS later. When I think about all the pussy I missed out on in high school, it makes me want to go into a recording studio and record songs that go something like “CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWING IN MY SKIN! THESE WOUNDS, THEY WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIL NOT HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAL!”
But with my friend having taken the first Space Bridge back to Cybertron (Transformers Reference: COMPLETE), that left the count 3 girls and just one me. In other words, me in a three-girl foursome.
Az’s Penis: OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG! This is the greatest day of our lives!
Az’s Anxiety: Now, wait just a minute…
Az’s Penis: You shit-stain motherfucker, you’ve ruined my plans ONE too many times…
Az’s Anxiety: No, seriously, listen up. These girls are only 17. If that! Who’s to say they’re not lying about that?
Az’s Penis: And may I remind you, 17 is legal in Japan.
Az’s Heart: Well, 17 is still just a child.
Az’s Penis: Look, if you’re having problems with their ages…just add ’em up. Three 17 year old girls is one 51 year old. Surely, you have no problems with that, right? C’mon, let’s go.
Az’s Anxiety: More than that, they’re still only high school students. And we ARE a teacher, after all.
Az’s Penis: They’re not OUR students!
Az’s Heart: Anxiety’s right. They’re still students, and its wrong regardless of whether or not they’re our students.
Az’s Penis: Okay, I hear and understand you guys. But I have an excellent counter-point – 3-girl foursome.
Az’s Heart: …That is an excellent counter-point.
Az’s Penis: And seriously, who’s gonna find out?
Az’s Anxiety: You expect three high school girls to keep quiet about banging a big black guy?
Az’s Penis: So? Even if they talk, who says it’ll lead back to us.
Az’s Anxiety: Dude, we’re like the only black guy in a 100 kilometer radius.
Az’s Heart: Yeah, that’s right.
Az’s Anxiety: Furthermore, do you see these girls? They’ve been around the block enough times to reset the odometer. With Japan’s lack of safe-sex practices, and sky-high clap rates, these girls are dirty, guaranteed. And with three of them, that’s 3x the risk of catching something.
Az’s Anxiety: But…it’s a 3-girl foursome! We’ve been DREAMING of a threesome for years! YEARS! And now, its like we’ve got the threesome, and with a bonus girl too! And you’re honestly gonna let something like bad public stigma, possibly getting fired, and STD’s stop us?
Az’s Heart: Don’t forget our girlfriend too, this would be cheating on her.
Az’s Anxiety: Brain, it’s your call.
Az’s Brain: …What? Oh, sorry, I was busy thinking about Bea Arthur in a bikini to keep Penis from stealing all my blood. Anyway, I guess I’m gonna have to side with Anxiety and Heart. We’ve got far too much to lose here.
Az’s Penis: Y’know what, FUCK YOU GUYS! FOURSOME! You’re passing up…ON A FOURSOME! Fuckin’ lame! I quit this bitch, I’m outta here!
Az’s Brain: You can’t quit, you’re contracted at least up until we turn 45.
Az’s Penis: Read the fine print, bitch!
Az’s Brain: (reading) “Contract becomes null and void if Brain ever decides not to go ahead on a 3 Japanese girl foursome.”
Az’s Heart: How in the world did he have the foresight to put that clause in the contract?
Az’s Brain: Well, at any rate, he’s gone now.
Az’s Anxiety: What are we gonna do now?
Az’s Brain: We’re just gonna have to turn lesbian. Tongue, we’re counting on you from now on!
Az’s Tongue: What? Ah damn. Well, better get started training I guess…
With the decision having been made, I took it upon myself to make an exit, stage left.
Me: Ho-oly fuck. Um, I think I need to find my friend.
Head Skank: Hey, where are you going?
Me: Um, I gotta find my friend, kthxbye!
And I wave-dashed the hell outta there. I met up with my friend outside, who was still stunned from the age revelation. He told me that he realized something about the police officer though – he was trying to warn us. While my friend was on the phone, he noticed the officer watching the girls very carefully. Apparently, when I went over, he became concerned, but didn’t want to interfere…so his walking past my friend and bumping into him was his way of trying to tell us to stay clear of that. We were sure that wasn’t the first night those skanks were lounging around looking to pick someone up.
For those of you swearing me out for having passed up a potential (probable) foursome…I kick myself sometimes too (I don’t think Penis has ever truly forgiven me yet). As tempting as it was, I had to consider that, as a teacher, sex with a student would have been bad, very, very bad. Especially as a Gaijin in their country. The chances that the girls would not talk about it, and the rumor eventually being connected to me would have been exponentially low. If I wasn’t fired outright, I would have forever had that negative stigma hanging over my head. And, I guess, since I was in a relationship at the time, I would have been cheating. Although I was dating the bitch ex at this time, and in retrospect given what she did (or, would do later on in the future), I wish I had. Even with three girls in one night, I’d *still* be behind her in the “how many people can you cheat on your partner with?” count. Venom for my ex aside though, it just wouldn’t have been smart.
I still sometimes though think of the missed opportunity.
But oh! The worst part is, my friend and I finally did find that bar. We were sitting at the bar, talking casually to the bartender, who actually spoke English, about what had just happened. We even had the pictures to prove it. We weren’t quite prepared for his reaction though.
Him: Oh…you guys are very lucky!
Me: …’Scuse me?
Him: Oh, 17-year old girl is ideal! That’s a good age. You should go and find them.
Friend: Dude, how old are you?
Him: I’m 37. I’m married. But that is my dream. To have my wife, and a 17 year old mistress.
Me: (to my friend) Japanese men are fucked up.
Friend: Kiyaa. (back to the bartender) Isn’t that a little young?
Him: No, not at all! 17 is ideal! But 16 is still good. 15 is good too. 14 is actually very nice. 13…
Me, Friend: No! Stop right there!
Friend: Lower limit. Please.
Him: Next time you guys go out, can I come too?
Friend: Why’s that?
Him: (pointing at me) I think he is very good at attracting 17 year old girls. If I go with you guys, maybe I can have your leftovers?
Sadly enough, that actually wasn’t the last time I would have a conversation with a Japanese bartender over the appeal of underage girls. …My life is all sorts of wonderful fucked-up.