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The Kancho Revolution

Y’know, I never expected my editorials to become as big as they have. I’m still kind of surprised by the whole thing. What really freaks me out though is that out of all the crazy stuff I’ve talked about, there’s one thing in particular that seems to have really caught on – the good ‘ol Kancho.

Now, I’ve been seeing something in emails and message boards posts, that quite honestly disturbs me a bit. The first reaction seems to be “WTF?! You mean Japanese kids actually try to stick their fingers…in your ass?! Are you joking?” Many sane people tell me “Wow, I would have knocked that kid clear into another prefecture.” But I’m also hearing some people becoming inexplicably curious about it. And not curious in a good way, either. Curious in a bad way. The same curiosity that killed the cat, that got Bluebeard’s wives killed, and is responsible for Rap/Rock fusion.

People with Japanese friends, wives even, are asking them, “Hey, have you ever heard of something called kancho?” The Japanese person, looking Shocked and Awed, blinks innocently and says “Why, I have no idea what you’re talking about. Japanese people sticking fingers up peoples asses? Heavens to Betsy no!” The inquiring mind thinks, “Ah, so that Azrael guy was full of shit after all!” and secure in their sanctity of their ass still being a No-Fly Zone, they turn around, only to get a pair of fingers up the ass, along with a “Gotcha, naive Westerner!” grin from the assassin.

But it doesn’t stop there, no no no. Some people have decided that simply reading about it just isn’t enough. They’ve got to experience it. Yes, that’s right, we now have groups of Americans who are knowingly and willingly pokin’ each other in the ass. That’s just fucking incredible. Even more so, the victim turns around, and instead of kicking the assailant in the head or busting out a can of pepper spray, or any other violent response which would be justifiable, it’s a smile and “Oh! Kancho! You got me!” The hell is going on here?! Did those guys behind the Mentos commercials know something we didn’t?

And God, dear God, please God if you exist, do NOT let Mentos make a Kancho commercial.

For those of you who are asking around about the Kancho, or actively participating in it, I have but one question for you.

WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU?!

You are opening Pandora’s Box. Not that I ever expected Pandora’s Box to be an anus, but you gotta deal with what life gives you. I mean, I know it’s cool and fashionable to import stuff from Japan or whatever, but this is one thing you should just leave in the Land of the Rising Sun. What the hell is going on in America while I’m away? Do I even want to go back now?

Those of us on the front lines, we do NOT think Kancho is cute. It’s not “Aw, lookit that! This adorable little boy just stuck his fingers up my ass! He *likes* me!” No, it’s “Kid, what the fuck did you just do? Was that my ass? Was that your fingers? Seriously?” We don’t even believe it at first, it takes a few days to register that this is something that actually happened. You Westerners don’t have the advantage of being cute little Japanese kids either, the first and natural response is to turn around and Gaijin Smash your assailant so hard that Japan rewrites their textbooks to somehow link it into their reasons for attacking Pearl Harbor. But then we turn around and see the cute, smiling kid and the violence is quelled (at least for some of us). You don’t have that. Some day one of you is going to kancho the wrong person, and it will not end well. I mean front page of the NY Times “not ending well”. And lemme give you a fair warning here, the “wrong person” is definitely one of us Japanese school teachers.

Imagine it. Some poor guy or girl is *finally* coming home after a tour of duty on the front lines. He sits on the plane, and among the many various things running through his head, one thought is “Wow. It’ll be nice to go back to a country where little kids don’t try to violate my ass-virginity. At last I can bend over without breaking into a nervous sweat!” And he leans back and smiles in his cramped little airplane chair, secure in the knowledge that the nightmare of Kancho is finally a whole ocean away.

Meanwhile, his friends are waiting for him at the airport…

Friend 1: Man, Steve’s finally coming home.
Friend 2: Yeah, he’s been in Japan for a few years now, it’ll be good to see him.
Friend 1: We should give him a hearty “Welcome Home!”
Friend 2: Yeah. I know! Let’s Kancho him.

Mark my words, that is a one-lane highway to tragedy. You have been warned.

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Categories: Gaijin Smash
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