Home > Gaijin Smash > What’s in a Name?

What’s in a Name?

New schools. New students. New teachers. New nicknames. You know it had to happen.

Mr. English – An older male English teacher, he gets this nickname because, the moment he found out I could speak Japanese, he breathed the HUGEST sigh of relief. “Thank GOD you can speak Japanese!” he says. “I absolutely hate English.”


Sure enough, his classes are pretty much 99% Japanese, with him only speaking English when is absolutely, positively, unavoidably necessary.

And we wonder why Japanese people can’t speak English.

The Jolly Green Giant – This female English teacher is really tall for a Japanese woman. She’s only a few inches shorter than me. She also has this lumbering, oompa-loompa way of walking, and her hair is in some kind of permanent Diana Ross Frizz mode, so she gets to be the Jolly Green Giant.

How does this make her a Jolly Green Giant, you ask? I dunno. Probably goes back to my childhood. I once had a nightmare about the JGG. In all his giant muscular green glory, he picked me up, with his rotting, peeling green hands, and after a failed attempt to squish me like a tiny little bug between his fingers, he then tried to drown me in a can of creamed corn. I haven’t trusted the fucker ever since. I know, one day, he’s gonna get me. He’s just biding his time, smiling at kids in his artichoke toga, waiting for the day until he can drown us all in his rich, creamy corn juices. I’m warning you.

Ms. Forehead 2 – It is disturbing how much this woman looks like the original Ms. Forehead. Like God decided that Japan needed more than one Ms. Forehead, and XCOPY’ied/Kage Bunshin’d her to this school. They even have similar personalities. They even have the same first name! (The kanji is different though)

I sort of wish for an XCOPY of Ms. Americanized, but then I realized that you can’t copy her. And if you did, there’d be TWO Japanese women out there who could bust out with gems like, “Man, I hate it when bitches like that are getting laid, and I’m not getting laid!” I don’t think the universe can handle that.

Quackers – This ninensei girl gets her nickname because she brought some kind of duck horn to school one day, and decided that as Japanese just wasn’t good enough anymore, she was going to now communicate with everyone with the duck horn.

Where the fuck do 14 year-old Japanese girls get duck horns anyway? One free in every box of Tofu Flakes? They’re GLLLLLLLLLLLLATE!

I suppose had she only had the duck horn for a day or so, this wouldn’t have been so bad. But this went on for like a whole week. The teachers humored her with it too!

Teacher: Hey, you didn’t turn in your homework…
Quackers: Quack quack, quack quack quack quack.
Teacher: Well, why didn’t you do it?
Quackers: Quack quack!
Teacher: Okay, no need to get all snippety.
Quackers: Quack quack quack, quack?
Teacher: Ha ha ha ha, you’re so interesting!
Me: What the fuck, are you channeling Donald Duck or some shit?

Porn Star Omega – You may remember the first time around, I named a girl from the School of Peace, ‘Porn Star.’ I didn’t even think she was headed for the world of porn, there was just something about her energy and her spunk that made me think porn star. Yes, we found out at that time that I was a horrible person.

Well, before the duck horn week, I was going to name Quackers Porn Star. Quackers is actually kind of cute…but I’m 100% certain she’s headed for the porn world. It’s not me being slime of the Earth this time…there’s just something about the girl that screams, “You’ll be seeing me and my mosaic-censored genitals in a few years!” If she isn’t already doing porn, I think that’s a real possibility.

Then the duck horn week happened, and my would be Porn Star became Quackers. I’ve sort of decided that I always must have a Porn Star, so I gave it to this ninensei girl. Although I don’t really sense that she has a future getting fucked by Japanese guys in front of a camera. I sense that she has a future getting fucked by Japanese guys, but a camera may or may not be there.

Whereas the Ghetto School had like one girl who was the designated School Whore, this school’s got at least five of them. So really, it was just a race to see who could take the nickname first. The winner was revealed after I witnessed her talking to a boy during break-time. It was a windy day, and as such, the wind blew her skirt up, exposing her panties to both the boy and me. I swear to God, this dialogue actually happened…

Girl: Oh, you just saw my panties.
Boy: Oh. Yeah, but not like I haven’t seen that a billion times before.
Girl: Yeah, huh. Whatever.


At 26, I’m still *thrilled* to get a glimpse of any panty, so long as they’re not pedo-bear approved, or they didn’t originally go into circulation when America and Japan were still at war. I just can’t imagine having worn a pussy out so hard, that you see panties and you’re just like, “Eh, been there, done that.” ESPECIALLY AT 14 YEARS-OLD. I also can’t imagine a girl having given it up so much, that she just don’t care who sees her junk anymore. I mean, even when strippers come down off the stage, they’re still scrambling to cover themselves up with towels and their angel hair bikinis. STRIPPERS!

Where is your Yellow Fever now?

Fishnet – The aforementioned girl with the fishnet garter belt stocking. Much like Porn Star Omega, she’s one of the Official School Whores. I think even a few of the teachers have tapped dat azz. I have issues getting close to her, for fear of catching The Clap. Although The Clap is not technically an airborne virus, I can’t help but think that in highly concentrated doses, it could be.

Simba – Also mentioned in the previous entry. Her puffed-up golden locks sort of look like a lion’s mane, so, Simba. You know, if Simba were Japanese. And a raging slut.

Fucked Up Hikki – This was was just…weird.

As I prepared to introduce myself to a class of ichinensei, a girl walked in, marched straight to her desk, flopped down in the chair, then proceeded to brush her fairly long hair away from her eyes before putting her head straight down on the desk. I suppose this in itself wasn’t too weird. Perhaps she heard some distressing news during the break-time? Like, maybe her boyfriend broke up with her after only one day of dating, and decided to hand her a breakup letter written in English. Or maybe somebody told her that Santa Claus doesn’t really exist. Or maybe, she heard about that survey that found that Japan was the least sexually satisfied country in the world, and she realized that she would be doomed to a lifetime of orgasm-less, motion-less, once a month *if* that, cardboard sex. Shit, that would have made *me* cry.

However, as I gave my self-introduction, during the humorous parts, she’d lift her head, stare RIGHT at me, give me this crooked little half smile…and then take a moment to meticulously part her hair again before replacing her forehead upon the desk. Considering that there were quite a few humorous parts (I give a WICKED self-intro) and that she did this EVERY time…well, it struck me as weird, that’s all.

Where does the “Hikki” part come from, you ask? Well, for the rare moments when her head wasn’t stuck to the desk, and when she parted her hair, she sort of looked like the Japanese pop singer Hikaru Utada (whose nickname is Hikki). Well, she looked like Hikaru Utada, if one were to take an Optimus Prime-sized semi, and swing it right into her face. Therefore, “Fucked-up Hikki.” Hey, I warned you last time I wasn’t a nice person, and these names aren’t rocket science.

Daniel Powter – As we prepared to play some sort of interview game in a ninensei class, Ms. Forehead 2 brought out a stereo and asked the class what American music CD they wanted to listen to. One boy had a very strong, very particular objection…

Boy: Please, please dear God, if you have any feelings of mercy towards me, even just a little, tiny bit, you won’t let them play…
Pretty much the entire class: DANIEL POWTER! BAD DAY!
Boy: You hate me THAT much, do ya Big Guy?

The rest of the class broke out into riotous laughter. I asked Ms. Forehead 2 what was going on–turns out the boy absolutely HATES this song. Which is why the class makes it a point to request it every day, just to torment him….You’d think that, as an educator, she might choose to overrule the majority and play something that would not bring absolute pain and misery to one of her students….NOPE! In goes the “Greatest Hits” CD, and before long, Mr. Powter was telling us that we had a bad day, we sing a sad song just to turn it around. Majority rules in Japan, of course. One for all, and…that’s the end of the story. Resistance is futile.

Well, it’s not the greatest song in the world, but it certainly is leagues better than The Carpenters, so I decided to see why this boy hated the song so much.

Me: Do you really hate it that much?
Boy: YES. Why don’t they understand, this song is MY bad day.
Me: But, why? It’s a nice song, isn’t it?
Boy: Yeah. I liked it the first 30,000 times. From 30,001 though, every time I hear it I just want to die inside.

Can’t say I blame the kid. In fact, I rather like the way he thinks.

Categories: Gaijin Smash
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