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Bathroom Hijinks

Between classes one day, I went to go to the bathroom.  That’s a perfectly normal thing, right?

I can’t speak for all schools across Japan, but for the five schools so far I’ve worked in, the faculty have their own separate bathrooms, which are not too far from the teachers’ room. I figure separate teacher and student bathrooms are a given though. I don’t think the teachers would ever want to share a bathroom with the students. Aside from any awkward issues that may arise, students tend to use the bathroom as some sort of haven to try and do the things/have the conversations they can’t normally have in the hallways. I’m sure students don’t want to share with the teachers either. Hell, *I* don’t want to share with the other teachers. But this is primarily because, at this school, there seems to be a male teacher who comes in every morning and makes it his first order of business to drop the fattest, most foul shit there ever was. Talk about dropping bombs on someone. I’m coming in after an hour long train ride and a 20 minute bus ride too, so I usually have to take a racehorse piss by the time I get to school. So then I’ve gotta hold my breath and try to power-piss it out before my lungs collapse, and I’m forced to take a deep breath of Japan’s gaseous counterattack for Hiroshima.

Ahem. Anyway, I was going to the male teachers’ bathroom one day between classes, and as I got there, there was a ninensei girl loitering around near the door. She looks up and me and greets me, then simply asks, “Poo?” Now, out of all the things she could have said here–“Good Afternoon,” “Hey whazzup my Homie-G!” or even “Froinlaven!” I just wasn’t expecting “poo,” so my brain doesn’t process it. “What?” I ask her. “Poo? Poo?” She repeats several times, but I’m still lost. To illustrate her point, finally she takes a squatting stance, scrunches up her face, and makes a strained “HUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGHHH!” sound. And that’s when it hit me: this girl was trying to ask me if I was going to take a shit.

And again, what kind of Spruce Goose monster shits do Japanese people take to ever assume that kind of stance/make that noise? With all the fish and rice they eat, I’d assume it’d just come sliding out like a lean 10 year-old at a waterpark, but no, apparently they’ve got some beached whales stuck in the plumbing.

Anyway, call me a prude if you like, but I don’t particularly like discussing my bathroom habits, especially to a 14 year-old girl. I told her, “I’m gonna go No. 3” as I went into the bathroom, leaving her with a puzzled face. Unfortunately, as Japanese people are somewhat gullible, I may have just sparked a new rumor. “Americans can do a No. 3 when they go to the bathroom!” Soon to follow will be the expose TV show, in which Japanese celebrities try to get to the bottom (no pun intended) of what the infamous No. 3 could be. A chunky piss? A watery shit? The best of both worlds? Or something completely different? Tune in tonight at nine, following another episode of “Japanese celebrities eat something, then describe how delicious it is!” You can’t miss it.

Only later, did I come to ponder why this girl had been standing outside of the men’s faculty bathroom. I mean, the bathrooms are nowhere near the classrooms, so she had to have actively come here. And if you’re going to loiter around somewhere, why in front of a bathroom? I could only assume that perhaps she was jockeying for some extra credit. If, perhaps, her male history teacher happened to walk by, instead of asking him about “poo,” she might ask, “You know…I’m getting a C in history now…gonna take a piss? Anything I can help with?” But given how much scat there is in Japanese porn, No. 2 probably would have been possible as well. Knowing this girl, she probably would have been down for a hot fresh No. 3 too.

So I went into the bathroom to do my thing. No. 1, incidentally. I’m sure all men and most women here are familiar with the urinal–basically, a vertical toilet stuck on the wall so that we men don’t have to go through the hassle of trying to aim.

Although Japan has forcefully stripped me of much of my inhibitions, I’m still rather prudish when it comes to my bathroom time. I’ve already ranted about this in an Outpost Nine editorial. I think most guys have at least a somewhat similar stance. If you’re in a bathroom and there are other guys there, most guys will try to get as much of their junk inside of the urinal as possible, to shield Mr. Happy from curious wandering eyes. This results in us thrusting ourselves inside of the urinal, pretty much having sex with it, and trying very hard not to think of all the other guys before us that have done the exact same thing.

However, if we’re in the bathroom by ourselves, then we’re afforded a degree of relaxation. You can just stand there and let it all hang out–after all, who’s going to see it? And if the guy is feeling playful enough, he might even find little ways to amuse himself. Take a few steps back and play The Distance Game. Try to spell out your name with the piss stream. Wave your junk up and down to try to recreate that cool proton pack effect from The Ghostbusters. Stop and restart the stream a few times to work those kegels (to keep the ladies happy). These are the things we do when we know we don’t have to clean up the resulting mess. This is also just one of many reasons why, as I said before, having a penis is fuckin’ awesome.*

*Yeah, I know…they can have it in them…but it’s just not the same, honestly.

So, that’s how I was taking my piss that day. I wasn’t trying to recreate the Versailles Fountains or anything like that, but I was just standing there, relaxed, doing mah thang.

There is one more thing I have to explain about this bathroom. It had a very large, fairly open window. I can understand the need for a source to pure, outside air (especially after Mr. Atomic Shit), but this wasn’t like some thin ventilation window located high up near the ceiling. No, this was a full-blown open window, like the window in your living room or bedroom or something. And oh, it gets even better! The window opened up to…a staircase outside of the school. I’d understand if the window opened up to a wall, or a nursing home for the blind or something, but nope, the window faced a regular ‘ol corridor that everyone regularly used. I suppose somebody a few years ago had also noticed this, and had at least attempted to rectify the situation by planting bushes and trees near the window. And while that certainly did help, it wasn’t quite the Wall of Jericho I might have wanted here.

So there I was, standing there taking my piss, when suddenly I felt something I hadn’t felt in a long time. Gaijin Sense is tingling! But…which one? Certainly, it couldn’t be Kancho Sense. I mean, I was all alone in the bathroom. And I swear to GOD, if I EVER get Kancho’d while in the fuckin’ bathroom, I’m going to leave Japan, and I’m not coming back until I’ve rounded up 10 black gunships so I can finish what Commodore Perry started. It couldn’t be Dodgedick Sense…I mean, unless a Japanese kid found a way to pop out of a urinal, I figured The Oldboy was pretty safe. But it kinda felt like Dodgedick Sense. Dodgedick and something else…something like the, “Oh shit something’s coming/already here!” sense…

…Fuck, the window!

I turn to see two boys just standing in the window, watching me take a piss. Surprised, I thrust myself into that bitch harder than Ron Jeremy. Realizing they’ve been noticed, one of the boys gives me a casual greeting. “Hey, what’s up?” he says, as if I’m not standing there holding my cock and pushing piss out of it. I think my warm and friendly reply went a little something like, “WTF! What are you doing?!” The boy, now realizing that I’m none too happy about this, says, “Oh crap, he’s pissed! We’d better get outta here!” He starts to leave, and motions for his friend to join him…but the friend doesn’t move. The other boy is just standing there, unmoving, not blinking, more or less transfixed on me and my schlong. I wanted to say something, but I was now thoroughly freaked by this Children of the Corn/stares into your soul shit.

The other boy takes Drew Starey by the arm and literally has to drag him away. The boy has still said nothing, and not so much as moved under his own power….I know I’ve said this time and time again, but seriously–what the FUCK! Who the hell just stares at somebody taking a piss? Not even just staring, no no, but becoming transfixed by it. I mean, okay, I know there’s this huge curiosity regarding black men and their big dicks or whatever, and getting to see a real live one would be a rare, possibly once-in-a-lifetime event. But, while I’m taking a piss?! I mean, I’d love to see Jessica Alba’s naughty bits, but I’m pretty sure if my *one* opportunity to do so would involve her taking a piss, I’d probably pass on that. And that’s Jessica Alba, quite possibly the hottest woman in the world!*

*Maxim’s Top 100 list is wrong, and obviously the editors over at Maxim are blind. And deaf. And mentally impaired. And Canadian. Or something, because, shit, Lindsay Lohan beating Jessica Alba?! Fuck no. Maybe, maybe Pre-Crisis Mean Girls Lohan might have had a chance, but not the broken shell of a whore she is now. I dunno what crack the Maxim editors were snorting…but they probably borrowed it from Lohan.

Anyway, so I guess two lucky Japanese boys have gotten to see Azrael Junior in all his pissing glory. Obviously, I need a new sense. The “Japanese Boys Are Watching You Take a Piss” Sense. This isn’t a sense I ever thought I’d need, but hey, I would have never figured I’d need a “Somebody’s Gonna Stick Fingers Up Your Ass” Sense either. You see, this is why Japan’s special.

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