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Deep Japanese Thoughts

By Azrael Handy

I hate lazy-eyed Japanese people. I can never tell if they’re staring at me, or out the window.

The Japanese name for a bowl of rice with chicken and eggs is “oyakodon.” Literally, this means “bowl of parent and child.” I think this is the saddest name for food ever, including rape blossoms. Could you imagine if there were a race of aliens that would just reach down and scoop up a mother and her child, put them in a bowl of rice, and eat them? If these aliens really did exist, I’m pretty sure I’d want to meet them.

People keep wanting Japan to apologize for all the atrocities they’ve committed, but honestly, I don’t think Pokemon was all that bad.

I once told a 12 year-old Japanese boy that if he tried to stick his fingers up my ass, I’d stick my fingers up his ass. In some cultures, this is pedophilic gay porn. Luckily for me, in Japan, this is only saying hello. I told this story to my friend Michael, and he said he was coming to visit me immediately. I hope I have a spare futon.

And this is totally unrelated to the above, but when Japanese people get sick, they wear masks over their faces to contain the germs. Then in the summer, women use umbrellas and cover their hands and arms with gloves to stay white. I also just read in the news that the US is asking Japan to crack down on its lax child pornography laws…No wonder Michael Jackson is still so popular here.

If Japanese pussy really was sideways, I imagine all Japanese girls would have to walk like cowboys. And they could get some jeans with tassels, and spurs too. If they ever got into a fight over a man, they could have a shootout at the Okei Corral.

I met a Japanese man once who asked me how many guns I had. I told him I didn’t have any, but he insisted that I did because I was American, and that I was lying about it because I was black. I was so mad over being stereotyped that I shot him with my glock.

I love the picture-in-picture thing Japanese variety TV shows do. It lets us people watching TV get to watch people who are watching TV. Only the Japanese could come up with something so innovative and cutting-edge.

Touts don’t invite us Gaijin into whorehouses. People say it’s because of the language barrier and STD fear, but I bet it’s because if they did let us in, the whores would retire. The same way Michael Jordan retired after winning the championship-with a destroyed vaginal area.

A lot of Japanese men seem to drink alcohol everyday. I asked them if they thought they might be alcoholic. They said they only drank to take away the constant misery and depression. Well, as long as they’ve set realistic goals for themselves, I see no problem.

In America, an octopus is a slimy creature of the sea. In Japan, it’s a delicious treat. To some, it’s a penis-ripping oral sex maneuver. This is what they call “cultural differences.”

I wonder how many geeks have built Gundams in their basement? Like, they’re waiting for the day Godzilla shows up so they can hop in their Gundams and defend Tokyo. Boy, will those guys be surprised when the first wave of hedgehogs make their brutal strike.

Sometimes, I just want to walk around completely naked. They’re already looking at me, but at least this way I get to keep cool in the summer.

One day, I want to stand in front of a love hotel, and as a young couple goes to enter, step forward and say, “Hey, want an upgrade?” I bet me and the guy would have a lot of fun with the free PlayStation in the room.

If American men lust after Japanese women, and Japanese men think American women are beautiful…then who’s lusting after the Spanish? I smell untapped potential here.

I was riding on my bicycle one day when the police stopped me. Angry, I said, “You’re only stopping me because I’m a Gaijin, aren’t you!” At that point, my bicycle begged the police to help her, and then I had to run away.

Me and Takeshi were standing on the old bridge over the river. I turned to him and said, “If I jumped off this bridge right now, would you jump off too?” Takeshi gave me a strange look and said no, he wouldn’t. That’s when I pushed him off, because clearly he was an impostor Japanese planning to eat my brains when I let my guard down.

Part of the AV (adult video) industry in Japan includes idol DVD’s–videos of a girl who does nothing more than frolic around at the beach or in her apartment in a swimsuit or her underwear. I used to think this was the stupidest thing ever, but then I realized that it’s actually quite genius if you are a Japanese girl. I wish I had been born a big-tittied Japanese girl. Then people would pay me to not have sex and not even be naked on camera.

Also, idol DVD’s have taught me that Japanese girls really enjoy rolling around in their rooms in their bra and panties. I’m glad to see that I’m not the only one.

I used to think that Japan was this magical place of cultural diversity, acceptance, and friendly, helpful people. Then I realized that I forgot to get on the plane.

A tiny fish swims upstream and then gets eaten by a bigger fish. The bigger fish swims further upstream and gets caught by a Japanese salaryman. The salaryman goes to work and gets chewed out by the company president. The president comes home to find me fucking his wife. There’s always a bigger fish.

Japanese people think that having pink nipples means you’re sexually inexperienced. Obviously that’s not true, because we all know what huge sluts those albinos are.

Because Japan’s 17 hours ahead of California, when I talk to my friends over the internet, it’s like talking to the past. Yet, they never heed my warnings.

When a 14 year-old Japanese girl offers to trade sex if you buy her a Louis Vuitton bag, the only thing you can ask is, “What size would you like?”

The art of hitting on chicks in Japan is called “nampa” in Japanese. The concept of copping an unwanted feel on a woman is called “chikan.” The idea of an older salaryman dating a young girl (often high school, sometimes junior high!) for sex in exchange for money and gifts is called “enjo kosai.” I tried looking up “ladies first” in my Japanese dictionary, but it gave me back “ladies first” in English.

In Japan, girly, effiminate men are considered to be manly, while buff, burly guys are considered to be gay. You might think this means that cute, girly girls are then lesbians, while boyish, tomboys are straight. But that’s not the case at all. Everyone in Japan is a lesbian, except for gay men who are straight.

Categories: Gaijin Smash
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