Home > Gaijin Smash > I Didn’t Wanna Grow Up

I Didn’t Wanna Grow Up

I live.

Sorry for the lack of updates this past…month? I’d love to give you all some kind of wonderful and awesome excuse as to where I’ve been. Like, I was recruited by a covert team of ninja samurai, running from the law for war crimes they didn’t commit, and we would drive around in our black van as mercenaries for hire for whomever needed us and could find us. Or, after a random chance meeting with Japanese pin-up model Rio Natsume, the two of us ran off on an impulsive trip to the Bahamas, where everyday included wild animal sex, martini’s on the beach, and ferocious sudoku competitions. Or, Watson (remember him?) had rounded up 300 of his best Kancho Warriors, and marched them straight up to my residence, where they planned either to violate my ass or die trying – I’ve spent the past two weeks holed up in my apartment armed only with a nerf gun and a can of 3-year old creamed corn.

I’d love to tell you something like that, but the honest-to-goodness truth is that what’s kept me busy these past two weeks has been – life.

The nice thing about JET was that it was sort of like University 1.5. You may or may not have class everyday. If you have class, you may only have 2-3, maybe 4, perhaps 5 or 6 on a busy day. On the times that you don’t have class, you pretty much have nothing to do. In university, I would go to the local arcade for some rounds in Street Fighter, find a nice corner of the campus to take a nap in, or if it was the middle of the day, go home and watch Pokemon. …Don’t hate, the first few seasons of Pokemon were good. Prepare for trouble, and make it double, bitches. On JET, I’d hide myself behind the gym and play Gameboy or take a nap, or read a manga at my desk. Life really wasn’t that different.

In some ways, JET is easier than university. Work’s finished by 4:15 everyday, there’s no homework, no cramming for finals or any of that nonsense. And it still comes with the rampant boozing and hookups that college life offers.

…I anticipate that the JET program may get a flood of applicants this year.

Anyway, my point is that since “graduating” from JET, I have been dragged kicking and screaming into the adult world. Long gone are the days when I had time to kill in the middle of the day. I have to wake up early, go to work, actually be productive for hours at a time, then commute home. The boozing has fallen off, and the random hookups are non-existent. Shakespeare couldn’t write a better tragedy.

How did this happen? How’d I go from the guy who dodged dick-grabs and kanchos, came home and wasted my life in front of a Playstation, and went out for some drinks and fun on the weekend, to a guy who has duties and responsibilities at work, goes home and gets henpecked because the dishes haven’t been washed and the clothes haven’t been folded and put away? No sir, I don’t like it.

I realize that, to the older audience, I must sound like a whiny child at this point, but give me a moment here – my youth JUST died on me! I’m thinking of holding a memorial service.

Anyway, the point of all that is to try and explain that sometimes, I just don’t have the time to get new articles up. I have been trying. There have been a few brief windows where I might have been able to write something, but the attempt was always thwarted. Something that I thought was funny/interesting turned out to not really be interesting at all, and a few times the site interface was down, preventing me from posting anything. Such is life.

I’ll do my best to get two new articles up a week. As I’ve said before, with all the blogs and editorials and fan fictions and just the sheer volume of text being produced on the web, I’m thrilled and thankful that there are quite a few people interested in what I have to say. Just, if you don’t hear from me for awhile, realize I’m just buried with adult issue crap, and as soon as I come up for a breather I’ll be back.

Now, as this post is too whiny and Linkin Park for my taste, here’s some dancing baby alligators.

I don’t really have dancing baby alligators, and if I did, I honestly wouldn’t know what to do with them.

I do have something far more violent and dangerous than alligators though – Japanese schoolgirls.

KYOTANABE, Kyoto — A police officer was fatally attacked by his 16-year-old daughter with an ax in the predawn hours of Tuesday, police said.The girl, a vocational school student, stands accused of murder. She admitted to the allegations during questioning.

“I attacked him. I hate my father,” the girl, whose name is being withheld under the Juvenile Law, was quoted as telling investigators. Local police are grilling her over the motives for her crime.

When questioned by police over her actions, she said, “I had been suspicious about my father’s relationships with women for several years. I thought I’d give him the guillotine.”

Police are continuing to question the girl over her specific motives for the killing.

The victim’s boss expressed surprise at the death of the officer, a 45-year-old sergeant. “He was hard-working and was respected by everybody. I never heard of any family problems,” said Toshiaki Okano, deputy director of Minami Police Station.

At about 4:40 a.m., rescue workers received an emergency call from a family member of the officer saying he had been attacked on the neck at their home in Kyotanabe.

Alerted by rescue workers, police officers rushed to the home and found the sergeant dead on his bed in his second-floor room with severe cut wounds.

The officer lived with his 41-year-old wife, his 19-year-old daughter and the suspect. (Mainichi)

…An axe! A mother-fuckin’ axe! People always say “Japan is so crime free because they don’t have guns!” No. Because they don’t have guns, you have schoolgirls killing their fathers with axes! I’ve said before that Japanese girls/women are Hellbringers of Death, and if you don’t believe me now, I don’t know what else I can do to convince you.

The worst part is that this is right where I live. I could have seen Little Miss Lizzie Borden out on the street somewhere. She could have come to one of my old schools during a sports competition. And you look at some 16 year old Japanese schoolgirl and you think “aw, aint she cute”, but you never know when she will come up to you and take you out with AN AX.

I realize now that my schoolteacher job was far, far more hazardous than I could have ever dreamed.

And because Japan is the land of copy-cat behavior…

TATSUNO, Nagano — A 15-year-old boy was arrested for attacking his father with an ax early Monday, leaving him with severe head injuries, police said.The boy, a third-year junior high school student, was arrested for attempted murder after he turned himself in to police. Investigators are questioning the boy, whose name is being withheld under the Juvenile Law, over the motives for his crime.

At about 2 a.m., the boy hit his 44-year-old sleeping father in the head with an ax several times at his home in Tatsuno, local police said. When paramedics arrived at the victim’s home, he was bleeding from his head, but was fully conscious. (Mainichi)

This doesn’t even make sense. “Hmm, some girl offed her father with an ax. That sounds like a good idea! I think I’ll do that too.” How does a brain even work that way? I never want to have Japanese children, ever.

The most remarkable thing about this story though is how the guy LIVED through an ax attack. Lived. Through. An. Ax. Attack. I mean, I’ve always figured that an ax was a weapon for dummies – how can you mess up killing someone armed with an ax? I mean, a gun, yeah, maybe you miss or don’t hit anything vital, same for a knife…but an ax? How do you MISS with an ax? You don’t, which is why I think this 44-year-old Japanese guy is really Superman in disguise.

And now that you’ve lived through that…how do you deal with it? “Hey Taro, c’mere – you see this scar? That’s where junior tried to kill me with an axe.” What is the appropriate punishment for attempted ax murder? Send him to his room without his tofu cakes? Make him stay home from school on Saturday and Sunday? Forbid him from a full week of Pokemon episodes? I can’t even imagine being a father trying to decide how to deal with your son who just tried to kill you WITH AN AX.

Yeah, I really don’t want to grow up.

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Categories: Gaijin Smash
  1. Darkrider
    July 23, 2011 at 10:41 am

    Where the hell does a teenager in Japan even GET an ax from anyway? Do they sell them in convenience stores? ramen, sushi and axes?

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