You Are What You Buy
We sell some weird shit.
They say that you can tell a lot about a country just by looking at the different kinds of weird shit they sell. Actually, no, I just made that up, but it sounds like something “they” would say, doesn’t it? And while I’m thinking about it, who are “they” anyway? You know, all those saying that start with “Well, you know what they say…” No, I don’t know what they say, and just who the fuck are these mysterious Illuminati “they” motherfuckers who sit around and rattle off mantras for us to live our lives by? BIG BROTHER, GET OUT OF MY PRIVACY!
…Ahem. Anyway, one might say (ah, much better) that you can tell a lot about a country just by some of the weird shit they sell. I certainly hope that isn’t the case, because what does America have to offer? Lose-weight-quick gadgets, George Foreman grills, and baseball cards? But in my duties here, I’ve found a few products that just made me say “Hmmm…..” I’d like to share a few of these products with you good folks here today.
Let’s start with a light appetizer, of course.
The Eyelid Fold Fine – Here’s a handy little machine for creating a nice fold in your eyelids. …Huh? When I originally translated this, I had to triple check to make sure I wasn’t making some stupid error somewhere. “It…folds…your eyelids? Huh?”
The Chinese lady I sit next to saw my befuddlement, and asked if there was anything she could help with. I told her I didn’t quite understand this product, and she explained that it’s for exactly what it says it does – creating a fold in your eyelids. “Of course you don’t understand, you’re a Westerner, so you have natural, beautiful eyelid folds,” she says, “but we Asians don’t have that, so we have to have use machines like these to make eyelid folds.” I was not aware that having a crease in one’s eyelids was considered to be beautiful. On all the parts of a woman I check out, I don’t think I’ve ever gone “man! Check out the eyelid folds on that babe! Hoo-ee!” But okay, sure.
I also would not send ELECTRICAL CURRENTS THROUGH MY EYE SOCKETS in order to create an eyelid fold, but hey – different strokes and all that I guess.
Virgin and Pink II – This is one of several products we carried in the line of nipple pinkening. Yes, you read that right, nipple pinkening. If you think your nipples are just too dark, apply a little Virgin and Pink II, and they’ll be, well, I guess virgin and pink, in no time!
I’ve also heard this Japanese old wives tale a few times – that women who have dark nipples supposedly have had a lot of sex, while women with pink nipples are still inexperienced and virginal. So I guess it’s like the rings on a tree trunk thing, except the pH of your nipples determines how many dicks you’ve taken inside or something.
I would absolutely love to link you to a product description page here, but the simple problem is that we’re all sold out.
I’m not sure what exactly this says. Perhaps that somewhere out there right now, there are Asian women desperately rubbing Virgin and Pink II on their nipples to hide their sluttiness? Don’t know, don’t want to. Although, it would be kind of nice if this old wife’s tale was actually true though. Could save us men a lot of pain and suffering…
Guy: Can I take off your bra?
Girl: Go for it babe!
Guy: …OMG! Woman, your nipples are darker than Charlie Murphy! How many men have you fucked?
Guy: OUT YOU GO.
And yes, I was thinking about my ex in the situation above. IIRC she had some twilight fuckin’ nipples. Well, there you go I guess. I also can’t help but to think that Japanese men are some persnickety sons of bitches if these are the kinds of things they worry about.
American Man In Front of a Naked Woman: OMG NAKED WOMAN SEX NOW WHEE!!!!!!
Japanese Man in Front of a Naked Woman: …WTF? Where are your eyelid folds? And why are your nipples so dark? You ugly harleton, leave from my sight!
Toy Memories – When I first started working here, instead of translating right off the bat I spent a lot of time trying to go back and retroactively fix broken English. …No, I never quite finished that job. Anyway, here was another product that baffled me. We only get the item data in an Excel file – most of the time, you kind of know what a “Super Eyebrow Plucker” or “Soft Hands Foot Relaxer” is, but Toy Memories, WTF? The catch-copy didn’t help me much either – “A great value in what looks like a cute toy box.” Then I get to the spec – “Materials: Latex”. …Waitaminute. I have to bust out a catalog at take a look at what the hell this is.
Now, my ordinary hated for Japanese condoms is pretty well documented I think…but condoms that come in a toy box? C’mon now. What exactly are you trying to convey with this? “Ah, reminds me of all the pussy I scored back when I was 8 years old…” Or perhaps “This box will give the 8-year old I’m fucking an extra playful experience…” Okay, that one was terrible, but given how young some Japanese guys like em here, sadly it might not be that far fetched.
I mean, I’m as big of a fan of the Old School as anyone else. I have actual Transformer action figures lined up in my apartment. I can sing the GI Joe movie theme by heart. I can probably recite entire episodes of Ducktales with my eyes closed and Limp Biskit CD’s blaring behind me. But sometimes, you gotta draw a line with this shit, and for me, the bedroom is one of those places. To the ladies in the audience, if we were ever in a position to be having sexual intercourse together (humor me here), and I did something like pull out a Rodimus Prime dildo*, a Scooby Doo condom, or even patented Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle KY “Ooze” Lubrication…you have permission to slap me right in the face, and just walk out the door. I’d understand. I think everyone would understand.
*Today’s Random Trivia – Did you know that there’s a classic Transformers episode actually titled “The Girl Who Loved Powerglide”? The girl who loved powerglide. Wow. How the hell did THAT slip by the censors back in 1985?
Super Saver Condoms – Okay, how fucking cheap do you have to be to buy the Costco brand of condoms? Seriously, c’mon now. There are areas in life you can skimp on – pick up the “Dr. Cola” instead of Dr. Pepper. Get the “Flakes with Frosting” instead of Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes. …But condoms? Nuh-uh, no.
Kid: Mommy, why was I born?
Mom: Well, you father bought the cheap brand of condoms, and I guess you get what you pay for. …Hey, I didn’t mean it like that, stop crying!
What really kills me about these though is the catch-copy. “These condoms will expire 1-2 years after you receive them. Since the expiration period is so short, we recommend buying them up in a group.” Would that actually work?
Man: Honey, let’s have sex…
Woman: I told you before, I’m not in the mood.
Man: But you know, I still have a truckload of my Super Saver Condoms left, and they’re gonna expire soon…
Woman: Well, when you put it that way. Would hate for them to go to waste and all…
New picking up girls tactic: I’m just gonna go up to random Japanese girls on the street, show them a soon-to-expire condom, and say “Help me, I NEED to use this now!” I’m sort of joking, but it could actually work.
You see, Japan is a county that LOVES it’s “gentei”, or “limited time” goods. In America, a company will introduce something as “limited time only!”, but if it proves to be popular enough it’ll stick around. Like the McDonalds Monopoly game, or Justin Timberlake. However, in Japan, no matter how popular or well-received it is, if it’s “gentei”, it’s going bye-bye.
Which is frustrating because the BEST SHIT in Japan is always gentei! The new delicious drink at the convenience store? Gentei. That awesome new pasta at the Italian restaurant? Gentei. Japanese TV show that doesn’t make you want to pour microwaved baby vomit into your eye sockets? Gentei. Sometimes, a gentei item might come back, but much of the gentei is seasonal (of course. Japan loves its “unique” four seasons…) so you’ll have to wait for a whole year before its available again.
But yeah, given how much the Japanese love gentei, the “my condoms are about to expire!” trick might actually work. I have yet to try it out, but perhaps one day I will. I’d also like to try out “Hey baby, my dick is gentei” as a pick-up line, but I haven’t quite worked up the courage yet. One of my best friends left Japan recently, and we were thinking about making him a “gentei” T-shirt to help find him some last-minute lovin’, but sadly we never got around to it.
I’ve got lots more wacky goods to write about, but this article is getting long, so I’ll save it for the next time. Same bat time, same bat channel. You bring the Powerglide, and I’ll bring the Rodimus Prime.