You Are What You Buy, Cont.
Continuing the look at Japanese society through the things they pay money for.
You know, anytime strange Japanese products come up, someone is bound to ask about the porn, or used-panty vending machines. I’ve been in Japan for over 4 years now, and in that time I’ve only see maybe 3-4 porn boxes, and maybe one panty vending machine. Maybe they just don’t have these things in Kansai? The times I saw them, I’m pretty sure I was in Tokyo, or at least in that general area.
Maybe I’ve been here for too long, but I honestly can’t say I see what the problem with a porn vending machine is. With the internet these days its sort of unnecessary, but back in the day I would have loved to have had a porn vending machine. Instead of trying to pilfer away Dad’s stash (or ask him directly…Lord knows he would have given it to me) I could have just hit up a vending machine and bam, porn. It also saves for awkward interactions at a porn shop. I always feel that it gives away too much of my intimate little details to the random store clerk who has to ring it up. We don’t even know each other’s names, but now this person knows that I get my rocks off to lesbian porn, giant black cocks on tiny Japanese holes, farm girls, or girls from Dakota who like to eat Klondike bars while using Hello Kitty vibrators (aisle 4, if you’re interested…).
Anyway, enough about me and my fetishes. Back to the Japanese.
Also, before I get to the new stuff, I’m happy to report that we seem to have new stock of Juvenile Pink Cream 2, the nipple-pinkening cream. So, if you were sitting at home fretting over your midnight nipples, your worries are over! Just grab some Juvenile Pink Cream 2 and get back those virginal-like nipples!
Am I the only one kinda weirded out by the name though? Juvenile Pink Cream 2. That’s not the translation either, that’s the actual Japanese name for the product. What exactly were they trying to go for here? “Use our product and you too can have the pink nipples of a taut 7-year old!” Goddamn this country and its pedo-bear ways.
Four Seasons – I mentioned before that the Japanese love their “unique” four seasons. Nearly everything the Japanese do is seasonal – the menu at restaurants change according to the seasons, the food you can buy at convenience stores also change, and there are many areas in which the Japanese change their preference and activities based on the season.
Including, apparently, sex.
So here we have a set of condoms, a different ribbing for each season. Not weird per se, but I can’t say I ever would have thought of this. I guess that just goes to show you the differences in our cultures…
Japanese Man: Hmm, it looks as if I’m going to have sex tonight. Since it is October, I should use the autumn condoms.
Me: Gonna have sex tonight gonna have sex tonight gonna have sex tonight WHEE!
It isn’t just seasonal, we also have a line of condoms that differ for each day, the Weekly Condom III Set. Again, I guess it could be fun, but I’m usually just not giving that much thought to my condom selections here. I also find it extremely optimistic to have condoms for every day of the week. Maybe I just don’t date the right girls.
I wish you could see the ribbing on the “Happy” (ハッピー) condom. Dear God, what is that? Is that supposed to be a condom, or a medieval torture weapon?
Victoria Rose – Ever hear of the saying “your shit don’t smell like roses”? Well, apparently the Japanese have a solution for that. I’m not sure if this was the exact name of the product, but it was a capsule that women were to take once a day, that would make them, in general, smell like roses. The effect was supposed to also spread to their bowel movements as well, producing rose-smelling shit.
Now, here’s a product I really just can’t get on board with. Shit stinks, and that’s just the way of life. I would be weirded out to use the bathroom after some Japanese lady and discover and fresh and airy rose smell. Not that I like the smell of shit, absolutely not. But for shit not to stink…it’s just unnatural. It’s like taking a huge bite out of a hamburger and tasting macaroni and cheese. The Matrix has been glitched or something.
Again, I’d love to link you all to a product page, but this is another item of which we’re all sold out. So if you ever go into a bathroom and find it smelling like roses…well now you know why.
Incidentally, this kind of reminds me of the bathroom back in high school. It always smelled like strawberries and shit. Yes, you read that right, strawberries and shit. It always smelled that way, it didn’t matter if you went in in the middle of the day, or right after the morning cleaning. I could never figure it out – the shit was a given, but why strawberries? Is there a strawberry version of the Victoria Rose that perhaps some guy was taking? And even if that were true, why did it always smell like that? Was the guy taking constant shits? Or perhaps it was some one massive, nuclear strawberry shit, and the fall-out affected us for years to come? To date, this remains one of my personal little unsolved mysteries.
Glamorous D – Okay, so most Japanese women have small to non-existent breasts. This is just a given. Of course, they want bigger boobies, but not all are willing to go under the knife for them. Can’t say I blame them. That’s where the “other” products come into play, and here is one such product.
It’s basically just a suction cup. A woman puts the cups on her breasts, and its warming properties and sucking action will draw out her breasts and make them bigger. Theoretically. I don’t know if it works, don’t ask me. I would assume no, because if it did really work, it’d be a whole lot more well-known, and a whole lot more expensive than just 3,000 yen. But according to the picture included in the ad for this product, these cups have apparently enough suction to grip a bowling ball. A bowling ball! Is that healthy? I don’t have breasts (obviously) but I’m just thinking about attaching some kind of cone to my penis that could possibly have enough suction force to grip a bowling ball….no sir, I don’t like it. Octopus all over again. It also sounds like the climax of the worst penis story you may have ever heard*, and I certainly don’t want to be the butt of that punchline.
*For the worst penis story I’ve heard to date (excluding my own), I’m just going to quote my old college roommate here. “You want to know what the worst question is? My friend’s mom is an EMT, and once they responded to this call where a guy got a ketchup bottle stuck on his penis. “How did you get a ketchup bottle stuck on your penis?”, that’s the worst question ever. I don’t even want to know the truth, tell me anything and I’ll believe it. Tell me that Abraham Lincoln came back from the dead, thought you were John Wilkes Booth, put a ketchup bottle on your penis, and then burst into flames. ”
But anyway, I also doubt the effectiveness of this product, because if just warm sucking action could get breasts to grow bigger, my girlfriend would undoubtedly be a G-cup by now. However, I do believe that this is a concept worth further study. I’m going to set up the Institute For Bigger Breasts Through Warm Sucking. I will dedicate the remainder of my life to finding out if warmly sucking breasts can indeed increase cup size. Ladies, if you’d like to take part in this thrilling and exciting new research, please send a picture of your breasts to the institution and we’ll send you out an application.
The Institute For Bigger Breasts Through Warm Sucking. For a rounder, fuller tomorrow.