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System Update

Yes, despite reports to the contrary, I was not dead these past two months. No, rather, the next best thing – I’ve been working like a Japanese salaryman. Not that I’m putting in long hours anymore, but I no longer have the time to write articles in secret at my desk. I don’t always have the luxury to do them at home either. I’d been thinking “Man, I really want to update the site!”, but a whole week would go by without me being able to do anything, and the next thing I knew it was a whole two months. Man, time flies.

So, as it seems people are curious, just a few updates as to what’s been going on lately. And no, the title of this piece has nothing to do with anything computer related.


Yes, I am actually married now.

“But wait,” many of your are saying, “didn’t you say September?” Yes, yes I did. Funny, that. You see, more or less the instant I proposed to my girlfriend…well, wife now, in her mind we were already married. The rest is just formalities. In my head I’d had a one or two year engagement in mind. She wanted to go ahead and get married in May. I managed to talk her into September. But sometime around January, she said we should go ahead and submit the official paperwork for the actual marriage. …There really wasn’t anything I could say otherwise.

Her: Let’s go ahead and put the paperwork in now.
Me: Why rush? We’ve still got time.
Her: So…you don’t want to marry me?
Me: No, I didn’t say that. I mean, the actual ceremony won’t be until September, so the paperwork can wait, can’t it?
Her: So…you don’t want to marry me?
Me: No, I mean, its okay to take our time with the paperwork, isn’t it?
Her: So…you don’t want to marry me?
Me: ….What I meant to say was, we should go ahead and submit the paperwork now.
Her: ^_^

So yes, legally we are all married and stuff. The wedding ceremony though is still set for September. Wedding plans…so far with the event still quite a few months away, there isn’t much do to. Right now the big thing is saving money. I’m having to put back pretty much the majority of my paycheck that isn’t devoted to bills, and even then I’m not sure I’ll be able to save enough. So yes, I am still looking for ways to whore myself out for a few extra yen. And failing that, if nothing else presents itself, I suppose I could teach English. But that’s only if the whoring plans never pan out. I have been looking for part-time work, but both the wife and my mother are opposed to the idea for the potential strain it might put on the relationship…so I’m not sure what to do in that regard yet.

Planning-wise though, we did go to get fitting for a dress and tuxedo. The wife wanted me to help her pick the dress, and I told her I simply didn’t want to see her in it, or the dress itself, until the actual ceremony. I’m guessing the whole “don’t see the bride before the wedding” thing doesn’t really exist in Japan, as I had to explain this to the fitters as well.

They tried to provide a tux for me, but the only ones they had that would “fit” me were ridiculously huge – I looked like a 7 year old kid trying to wear his dad’s clothes. Even then, the sleeves and pant legs were a bit short. The fitter meekishly explains – “Well, I just took one look at him (me) and thought I’m gonna need to bring out the biggest size we’ve got…” So, if I were a foot shorter and 400 pounds, I could still get married in Japan, but apparently no one figured that tall and reasonably not fat guys would be getting hitched. …What the hell? Again, I am convinced that Godzilla was conceived when a foreigner came to this country for the first time. So I may have to import a tux from America. Not really sure how that’s going to work at this point…but we’ll see I guess.


I mentioned in an editorial a while ago the status of some people from stories past. Many people were disappointed that I hadn’t included anything about Moeko. Well then, I shall do so now – she’s doing fine, going into her third year of high school (man, how time flies…). Still studying hard, and worrying about the college entrance exams she’s going to have to take this year.


My Train Crew has changed a bit.

First, Misty is gone. I don’t know what happened to her – perhaps she got a new job, and doesn’t ride this train anymore. Or maybe she rides at an earlier/later time. Maybe she’s not working at all. Maybe she moved all-together. I have no idea. All I can really do is wish her well wherever she is, and continue to dream of the hot sweaty gorilla-in-the-mist sex we might have had one day.

Tats is still around. Since its been winter she’s been wearing coats, and I haven’t seen her chest tattoo at all. The weather is changing though, so hopefully she’ll go back to the tank tops and I can continue trying to figure out what’s inked on her chest. …She still stares at me quite a bit though.

There was a stretch where I didn’t see Massive Melon Tits at all. Then one day after a long absence, she got on the train, but had a pretty deep tan. I didn’t see her again for another while, but then today actually, she got on the train…wearing a business suit. So from what I can figure, MMT was a college student (which accounts for the irregular schedule at which she rode the train). After graduating, or maybe a bit before, she decided to take a trip somewhere…maybe/probably Australia given the fact that she tanned over the winter. She came back, took another break, and then today started her new company job. …Does this count as some form of weird train stalking? What, I’m just curious. For any of your Australian readers, I suppose there’s a chance you ran into MMT somewhere along the way, and any male Aussies here may actually have, I dunno, porked her. If you did, I hate you. Mail me with details.

At any rate, Magical Motor Mouth is also gone, which fills my soul with joy. And Massive Melon Tits 2 does still occasionally wear the Piccolo shoes.

Okay, new players. There’s a guy who I’d noticed catching the train at the same spot I did everyday. He wasn’t special at first, until I noticed a few months into winter that he was wearing one of those white surgical masks…everyday.* I know he was sick at one point (I thought he was going to hack his lungs out right there on the train), but everyday? Either this was one hell of a flu, or he was just really paranoid about germs. I have named him Sub-Zero, because of the mask. Yes, given all the people in history/entertainment who have adorned masks…I don’t know why I choose Sub-Zero. My own nicknames don’t make sense to even me sometimes.

*Yes, Japanese people do wear white face masks when they are sick/want to avoid getting sick. I’m tempted to link this and the way guys here prefer women really young into a Michael Jackson joke, but I’m 99% certain I’ve done that one before.

I’m trying to start a 7 Dwarves-esque collection. So far I have three – Skinny, Shorty, and Brandy. Skinny is just a girl who is, as her name suggests, really really thin. Not that this is rare in Japan…but Skinny has a big nose, so the combination amuses me. …Hey, it’s 7 in the freakin morning, I have to take my amusement wherever I can get it. Shorty is short, maybe around half my height. Her special feature is a rather prolific forehead. She actually reminds me a lot of Ms. Forehead, the two look a lot alike. Brandy is a woman who is always dressed business-smart. I can’t help but to notice her name-brand bags – Hermes, Prada, Louis Vitton. Thus the name Brandy. Brandy’s also quite attractive, but any would-be perverted thoughts are dashed away as I look at her bags and realize that a romp with her would probably cost me a small mint.

And finally, a woman who I can only describe as the messiest human being on the planet. I’d swear, if I didn’t know any better, I’d say she was homeless. She has a random collection of knit caps, in the winter she would bundle up with a scarf, gloves, and a coat – and none of these things ever matched each other. Her hair is always a mess. Her shoes also manage to not match anything she’s wearing, even in the least. It’s not uncommon for one pant leg to be rolled up a little higher than the other. Sometimes she wears headphones, which are like twice the size of her actual head. She looks like a Salvation Army vomited all over her. Thus, I have named her Wreck-Gar, after the Junkion race in Transformers, because I swear to God, that’s what she looks like. Its a little depressing to have gone from Misty to Wreck-Gar, but such is life I guess. …And to fend off any potential questions, no, I wouldn’t have messy uncoordinated sex with her.


I found out my high school 10 year reunion is coming up in June…wow, it’s been 10 years? To me, reunions are really only something you go to to brag to all the people you hated about how successful you are. Well, I’m not that successful, and I didn’t particularly hate anyone (extreme apathy is a better word here), so I guess its not important, but I am curious to see what everyone is up to. Unfortunately, unless I swim back to California, no real funds for that.

Thanks to the magic (or curse) of networking sites like Facebook and MySpace, I do already have an idea what most of them are up to. It was funny, I was telling the wife that most Americans don’t rush to have kids so soon, that we like to wait until the latter half of the 20’s/early 30’s or so. I think the very next day, I was showing her some of my old HS classmates on Facebook and MySpace, and I was surprised to find the majority of them already married, and with one or more kids. WTF? Why are people my age already married with kids? How’d that happen? The wife gives me a an extra-bloated “Ha! Told you so!” …Bastards.

This didn’t really help me, as the wife, now with the legal marriage under her belt, is in full BABY MODE. Like, if I told her I wanted to get to work on siblings right now, she’d happily say yes, dive on the bed, and tell me to get to work. I must admit, I do find the urges of fatherhood tempting (the sooner the child is born, the sooner I can send him/her off to the entertainment world and start collecting my commission fee…), however, I still feel its a bit early. I’ve talked her into waiting until the actual wedding ceremony at least. Her response to this was “Well then, shall we get to work on baby making on our wedding night?”

…Remember, gentlemen, when I told you that Asian women moved at breakneck, ludicrous speeds when it comes to marriage and babies? Did you think I was joking?

I don’t feel ready for fatherhood yet (does anyone really ever feel ready?), but I’m not sure how long I can hold her off. I don’t have to worry about her punching holes in condoms or putting me in a Ric Flair leg lock just as I hit the peak of our throws of passion – she says that would be a terrible way to bring a child into the world. But as you can see, she can be very persuasive in other ways…

Her: C’mon sweetie, give me your Jesus Gel.
Me: Now? I mean, can’t the baby wait for another year or two?
Her: …So, you don’t love me and don’t want to make beautiful children based on our pure and untarnished love?
Me: ………..Shit.

Which means that from now on, unless I become a Hokage-level master of the Pull Out-No-Jutsu, in just a few months time you may be reading Gaijin Smash: Azrael Vs Parenthood.

And if that isn’t a sobering thought, then I don’t know what is.

Categories: Gaijin Smash
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