Home > Gaijin Smash > Mr. Cicada – Comment Response

Mr. Cicada – Comment Response

This entry racked up the comments rather fast. I guess many of you hate bugs just as much as I do.

Usually, if I want to respond to a comment I’ll just edit the comment with (Az’s Note:), but this time as there were far too many comments to do that with I just collected them and will post it here. Its a nice feeling of nostalgia, as I usually don’t do this type of thing unless its for a hate mail, and I haven’t gotten any hate mail in a good long while.

…I wonder why… =P

Anyway, if I didn’t respond to your comment it doesn’t mean I didn’t read it, because I read them all.

***

You know, unless I missed something during your time as a teacher…I’m glad that you never even MENTIONED your hatred of bugs around those kids…Kancho and “Noisy-****ers” would have been the LEAST of your concerns.

Those kids would have done so much worse…I shudder to think of it.

You are absolutely right. Showing school kids that there’s something in this world that drives you crazy is a lot like giving Pre-Crisis Mike Tyson the finger and then turning your back to him. You are just inviting your own destruction. As much as I hated insects, I held it in. Sometimes during the summer an insect would fly through an open window…a lot of kids, boys and girls, would freak out while the bug buzzed around the classroom. I simply stood there, kept my cool, and said “its just a bug, what’s the problem?”

And then I’d go home and shower 17 times.

***

One question though, how is being a whore better then being a porn star? At least porn stars have sex with (relatively) clean guys, compared to whores who do the dirty gonasyphilitis patients and get all sorts of fun infections…

My reasoning is this – prostitution is something that the girl can one day separate herself from. She can move to a different city/country and continue with her life. Suppose she were to, later in her life, become a famous actress or a politician or something. Chances are johns who utilized her don’t remember, or even if they do, there’s the certain shame aspect that will hinder them from coming forward and putting her on blast.

Porn star…its more or less prostitution…but the proof is just there. It’s out there, and in this cyber-age its readily available and will never go away. If she were to become famous, her vids would be out there instantly. Not to mention that chance, however random it may be, that friends/family could stumble upon some of her work.

…How much would that suck eggs? You’re just some ordinary guy, you’re surfing some porn on the web as most ordinary guys do…and you get to one video and you’re like “Hey wait, that girl looks kinda familiar….wait….THAT’S MY DAUGHTER!” I’m sure this kind of scenario has happened at least once.

OH! While on the subject, you want to talk about complete and total parental fail though? Peep this girl: Sakura Sakurada

So, she’s done everything. Fetish, piss/puke/scat, taboo, even bestiality, she’s done it. I mean, that in itself is bad enough, right? But check this out: she’s got a video where she co-stars…WITH HER MOM. Like…wow. That’s like so many levels of fucked up, I can’t even begin to wrap my mind around it. Oedipus aint got jack shit on this.

Imagine you’re some Japanese guy, surfing net porn, dong in hand, ready to enjoy a quality wanking session. You open up one site and start perusing vids…and then suddenly, it’s like “Hey wait, isn’t that my daughter?! Hey wait, isn’t that MY WIFE?! WHAT THE FU-!”

Just…wow.

***

While in Japan, my girlfriend told her host sister that I hate bugs. This cute little Japanese girl comes up to me, tells me to hold my hand out. Stupidly, I do. She then drops a MASSIVE, DISGUSTING, BUG, into my hand.

I hate children.

Yeah, this is why you cannot expose any weaknesses to children. Oh, and that little girl would have gotten a bug to the face. …*GASP!* Az! You do NOT throw bugs into the faces of children! Ordinarily no, but if she’s going out of her way to put in my hands the one thing I hate most in this world…all bets are off. And that’s the risk she’s going to have to accept if she wants to go around giving me bugs.

Even kids know, you can push things so far but there’s a line that you just do not cross. Like pushing the “Launch All Nuclear Missiles” button or throwing rocks at a sleeping Balrog or clicking on “Yes” when asked “Would you like to install and launch Skynet?” or even hitting play on “One Night in Chyna” – once you’ve done it, you done fucked up and there is NO turning back. At least, when I was a kid, I knew about this point of no return.

My kids will learn about this line very, very quickly, and they will also learn that anything involving bugs is an Olympic leap across said line. Sure, we can gross Dad out by handing him a big slimy bug…or, we can also enjoy seeing the sun for the next 37 years. This education will be the utmost priority – before my kids are potty trained, they will know not to bother daddy with a bug.

***

You think a few cicadas are scary imagine billions. We just had our crop of 17 year cicadas here in Chicago. Once every 17 years a swarm of cicadas shows up and for the next few weeks there are cicadas everywhere and on everything. Imagine standing in a field with a carpet of living cicadas surrounding you on every side.

Okay, what the fu-…WHAT THE FU-…no. No. NO. NO!

I was actually born in Illinois (fun fact), and I had no idea it was home to such…such evil horrors. Apparently, I can never live there again. Seriously, what in the hell is this?

If I did live in Chicago, you can bet your bottom dollar my family and I would be taking exotic overseas vacations…oh…every 17 years. It’d be like those scenes you see in disaster movies.

Me: C’mon everyone, grab a few valuable items and get in the car. Now.
Wife: What’s wrong dear?
Kids: Yeah daddy, where are we going?
Me: I’ll explain later. Now, get in the car right now.
Wife: But I just don’t understand what the emergency is…
*Outside, the screeching hum of destruction gets louder…*
Me: …It’s already too late.

***

my teenage neighbor walks up to me, opens his mouth, and out flies the cicada he had been keeping in there (WTF?) causing me to scream like a girl and run like hell/

Again…WHAT THE FU-?!

You know that scene in Aliens when the Alien opens her mouth, and another smaller Alien comes out and screams or something? This is far worse.

He put it in his mouth? Voluntarily? Get this kid help, stat.

***

Heh, a harder failure would be your twin girls liking bugs as kids and then growing up with bug fetishes and doing crazy screwed up twincest stuff together.

…This kind of thing exists?

And me saying that is NOT an invitation for you all to go out, find it, and show it to me. No no no. If it exists…I simply do NOT want to know about it.

I say if it exists…of course it exists. We could all sit here and try to dream up the most fucked up porn imaginable, and the sad reality would be that not only would it exist, there’d be people in the world who’d call it tame.

I think that the ultimate proof that aliens exist is that none of them have tried to contact us yet.

***

I would just use my boot!

Hell no. I actually like my shoes, and I don’t want to go around tracking around essence of bug with me.

That why I said – biological warfare. I’m going to start developing Raid grenades and cluster bombs. To the insect world, I will be a weapon of mass destruction.

***

First the fish allergies, now bugs. Are you sure Japan is the right place for you?

Well, let’s see…

Cons:
– Disgusting bugs in the summer
– Can’t eat the staple of the Japanese diet

Pros:
+ Video games
+ Women

…I think I’ll be okay.

***

Sorry, but you are screwed. My (japanese) fiance told me that in elementary school the kids are actually given a net, a cage, and have a long homework assignment of catching the little bastard cicaedas and watch over them for about a month.

Okay, yeah, that’s not going to happen. My kid will absolutely, positively, NOT participate in that activity. No way. If they question me, I’ll say its against my religion. What religion is that? The Church of My Kids Will Not Do Nasty Shit. Fuck cicadas.

Its time that I started to harness the power of the Japanese PTA for my own personal gains.

***

You caved on the baby thing, huh? I’m disappointed, but you can’t call the troops back now.

Actually, no. Wife isn’t pregnant yet. The troops are still on standby in Wastebasketistan.

I have sort of put my foot down and told her that I don’t even want to think about kids until we’ve got some semblance of financial security. It’s funny, when it comes to money matters she’s usually so practical, but the baby is the one area where all that nice practicality and common sense just goes right out the nearest window.

She’s pouting but I think I’ve managed to hold her off it until at least next year. So now all I have to worry about is keeping up my Jedi-Master level of control over the boys.

…Speaking of, I’ve always wondered how Anakin Skywalker “accidentally” got Padme pregnant. Like, if there’s anyone in the universe who can master the Pull-Out-No-Jutsu, shouldn’t it be the Jedi? I mean, Darth Vader could Force-choke the life out of a person, but he couldn’t even keep his boys in check? What’s the deal with that?

Padme: Um, Ani? You kinda…ah…there’s something you gotta clean up here.
Anakin: (rolls over) Mmhmh, I’ll get it in the morning. *snore*

***

BTW, how’s the job hunt going? Any nibbles?

Unfortunately, not very well. Now is just a bad time for the job market. I’m probably going to be unemployed for the next few months. Factor in a wedding I can barely pay for and…yeah.

I know I make the “male prostitute” joke a lot…but I’m almost actually at that point. If I only knew how…

***

You want bad? People eat cica-
Aaaaaand….that’s exactly where I stopped reading. That’s just…that’s…I…no. Just, no.

Seriously, I don’t think I can eat today.

When I went to Thailand, I remember seeing street vendors where you’d have beef, chicken, pork…and then insects. I know there are bug eaters even in America. But I just…I can’t deal with it man.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go talk to Raid about patenting bug-spray/flame thrower gun I’m working on.

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