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New Train Crew

I don’t think I’ve officially come out and said it, but I have a new job.* Its further from my old job, which means I have to ride an earlier train. Yep, you guessed it…new train crew.

*New job is also the reason why I don’t post so much. I’m getting closer and closer to the Japanese salaryman dream/nightmare with each passing day.

Although one morning, I was running late and ended up riding the old train. Didn’t see Sub-Zero (but this is the summer, maybe he’s hibernating…?), but I did see Shorty and Brandy. I don’t know if I mentioned this before, but Shorty chews on her fingers, a bad habit that has apparently still continued up until now. Shorty is kind of cute, but girls who like to bite down on long cylindrical objects tend to lose sex appeal points. Brandy got a haircut – I like longer hair so I’m not a fan, but she’s still cute and still carries stupidly expensive bags. Even if we did hook up, I imagine she wouldn’t let me hit unless the condom was from Versace or something. I also didn’t see Massive Melon Tits or Tats, so I can only hope that they and their plentiful/graffitied bosoms are doing well wherever they are.

But anyway, enough about the past. Here come the new challengers!

Goth Velma – I figure this name should be self-explanatory. She wears an outfit very similar to Velma from Scooby-Doo, except all in black. Unlike the student I nicknamed Velma, she doesn’t wear glasses, and I’ve never actually looked at her face so I don’t know if the resemblance extends there.

Goth Velma, much like her cartoon counterpart, wears the same damn clothes every single day. Same black sweater, same black shirt, same black knee-high socks. She has a cardigan-coat-thingy (surprisingly enough, she has two in two different colors; gray and black!) which she also wore while it was still spring – being summer you figure she’d leave it at home, right? Nope, carries it. Or, wears it sometimes too, despite the outside weather being hot enough to make The Human Torch start to sweat a little bit.

In this culture of salarymen and uniforms, it shouldn’t be that unusual for people to wear the same thing everyday. But this woman’s attire doesn’t particular look like a uniform, which leads me to believe that she makes the conscious decision to wake up every morning and wear the same thing. Which, in fashion-savvy Japan, is just downright weird. That, or she has an entire closet filled with nothing but the same outfit.

Every morning, I look to see if she’s wearing something, anything different, and I’m always disappointed. At this point, I don’t know what would happen if I saw her in different clothes. I’m thinking along the lines of the fabric of space and time being ripped to shreds.

This woman vexes me, and one day I will know her secret.

Jigglypuff – Woman who rides at my stop. She would be the 3rd Generation of Massive Melon Tits, but the rest of her is also kind of round, which takes away the impact of the melon tits. Also, she does really look like the Pokemon Jigglypuff.

…And who thought up that name anyway? Just say it out loud a few times and see if you don’t giggle to yourself. Jigglypuff. Jigglypuff. This has got to be proof that there’s more weed in Japan than we thought.

Hefuna-san: Salary man in his 30’s or 40’s, he gets this nick because he reads the porn section of the newspaper every day. Not an exaggeration – every day. I may have ranted on this before, but what’s the point of reading porn on the train? To go into work sexually frustrated? To me, porn really only has one purpose, and if you can’t use it for that purpose…then what’s the point? But who knows, maybe he’s a photographer or something, and looking at it for the aesthetic values. “Hmm, yes, this is a nice picture, but if they’d kept the nightgown covering just one breast instead of full exposure, and if she moved her right leg about 7 degrees inward this would have been a powerful piece about the role of Japanese women in modern society.”

…But I highly doubt that.

The funny thing about porn newspapers though is that its not like the entire newspaper is dedicated to porn. Actually, I think its a sports newspaper with a couple of porn pages in the middle. I say I think because I’ve never actually bought one. …Not to say I’m all “porn is bad!”, because no, porn is wonderful. Just, in this day and age, I’ve graduated from still pictures (that was SO 1997…) and moved on to HD DVD rips.

I have a few of these HD DVD rips on my iPod (for porn emergencies), but would never actually watch it on the train. Since joining the salaryman working world and being forced to wear suits every day, I’ve come to realize just how thin suit pants are. In other words, if you start to enjoy the porn a little too much…well…pretty much everyone would know about it. If I were a bolder man, I’d get the attention of the cutest girl on the train, point to my raging erection and give her an “how about it?” wink or something. As is I’m timid and married, so that’s not gonna happen.

If any of you brazen single guys would like to try this though, I’d love to hear the results.*

*Gaijin Smash does not assume any legal responsibility for what may happen.

Toucan Sam – Much fuss is made over the broken grills of Japanese women. And yes, there are many women who seem cute at first, but then they smile and reveal a row of teeth that would make Jaws himself swim away whimpering in fear.

This woman has the reverse problem. Her teeth are fine. Its her lips. They look like she kissed one of Muhammed Ali’s fists the night before. Or rather, he punched both jaws inward first, and then smacked her in the lips. It’s actually kind of fascinating.

Baxter Stockman – This guy looks EXACTLY like Baxter from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon (the classic ’87 version of course…heroes in a half shell, turtle power!). The resemblance is downright uncanny. …The human version, of course.

I sort of keep my distance from him, there’s nothing in this world I hate more than bugs, and if he were to someday undergo the fly transformation I just don’t have a can of Raid big enough for the job.

Categories: Gaijin Smash
  1. Bobfredkees
    January 8, 2012 at 4:42 am

    It should be noted that Jigglypuff’s Japanese name is Purin, and Jigglypuff is the American (English) name.

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