Home > Gaijin Chronicles > Oh, Baby

Oh, Baby

Welp, the wifey is pregnant.

I won’t make sweeping claims about Japanese women, but from my experiences, babies come fast after marriage. Like the Japanese guy says “I do” at the altar, and immediately after bringing his new wife down the aisle he whisks her away to their new home, and is so happy to be married that the first thing he does is stick it in her raw. And 3 or 4 minutes later, the magic of conception happens.

You may be thinking “Hey, that’s not accurate.” And you’re right! Actually, it seems that lately, the magic of conception happens BEFORE the wedding plans. They even have a word for this – “dekichatta kekkon”. The guy, happy for no particular reason, sticks it in her raw, and a few missed periods later they realize that the magic of conception has happened. So the only logical course of action here is for the couple to get married, right?

I’m really not making this up.

Lately, apparently, dekichattakon’s have been on the rise. You may remember my wife’s friend R-san, who was also a dekichattakon. As if getting married already wasn’t a huge life-altering decision.

Guy 1: So, you’re getting married, huh? What about this woman made you think that she was The One?
Guy 2: Well, I liked the way her legs looked in that skirt – I was drunk and she said yes, I jizzed inside of her, and she got pregnant. We will now spend the rest of our lives together in holy matrimony.

Our pregnancy is NOT a dekichatta. Far from it. As you may remember, the wife was wanting to get pregnant even before the wedding ceremony. I managed to hold her off until after the ceremony at least, and then for another year after that. But then, sometime around July of last year, I caved in and decided not to practice contraception anymore. I didn’t feel ready to become a father yet…but I figured no one ever does, and I might as well just let the fates fall as they may.

That, and as any man who has “tried” to conceive with his wife can tell you – unprotected non-withdrawal sex is better than friend Crispy Creme cheeseburgers. Actually “trying” to have a baby was a wonderful thing for my sex life. Yes.

Me: So honey, wanna fool around tonight?
Her: Not really, I’m not particularly in the mood…
5 Seconds Later
Me: Well then, would you like to try and make a baby?
Her: YEAH! BABIES! Let’s go.

If we were 100% dedicated to baby making, there are better ways to go about it than to just shag like rabbits. Y’see, there are certain periods when she is at her most fertile – so we would try to calculate that out, and then I would try to save up my supply for those times, and that would hopefully increase the odds of successful conception. We didn’t do that. It was more like “let’s just stop using the anti-baby strats and see what happens.”

But after a few months, with every period signaling no pregnancy my wife’s expression of disappointment would get that much deeper. There’s only so much of the sad puppy dog face that a guy can take, y’know. It wasn’t a diabolical ploy on her part, she was just genuinely disappointed not to be pregnant.

So sometime in mid-December of last year, I decided to take the baby making a little more seriously. I became more mindful of her fertile windows, and I didn’t waste as much of the baby batter supply as I used to. And sometime in January of this year, she conceived. …Hey, when I get serious about something, the job gets done!

So as of now, she’s about 6 months pregnant. And she couldn’t be happier. That’s something I don’t understand. “Wow, I have a small human being growing inside of me, that I’m going to be responsible for for the next 20 years! Sweet!” I guess its a female thing? I usually don’t get that happy unless its a new TV or computer or something. To me, the whole process is still a bit surreal. I don’t feel like a father, or that I’m even close to becoming one. I guess it won’t really feel real until the baby is actually born. That’s what I’ve been told, anyway.

Now I’m facing a world full of unknowns. What kind of person will the child grow up to be? What kind of father will I be? I’m full of questions and lacking answers. But I do know one thing –

My kid will never go to a junior high school here in Japan. …I know better.

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Categories: Gaijin Chronicles
  1. June 4, 2010 at 4:50 pm

    Holy shit. This is amazing. I predict that by this time tomorrow I will have read all your archives.

    Congrats on pushing your seed for life.

  2. david
    June 4, 2010 at 4:54 pm

    Congraaats !
    january, that’s exactly the time when i thought “hey, Az isn’t posting anymore… i bet his wife is pregnant!”

    One question : when your child hits the media world and become a actor/singer/genojin…. will you be his agent?

  3. June 4, 2010 at 5:03 pm

    Heyyy congrats man. To you, your wife and the unborn lots of luck in life and may the little one become a great hybridsmasher

  4. Sorgrid
    June 4, 2010 at 5:09 pm

    We missed you! Congratulations!

  5. Hemlock
    June 4, 2010 at 8:27 pm

    Well if you play video games with your kid, which I know you will, you’ll be well on your way to being a good father.

  6. Scorch
    June 4, 2010 at 9:13 pm

    CONGRATS. Been reading ya now for about three years. Hope all goes well with the baby and.. I do completely agree about the unprotected sex. It has to be the best damn thing in the world. I’ll be looking for you whenever I manage my way into Japan… I’ll stick out almost as much as you do since I’m a six foot hippie. Anyways~. Best of luck to ya, keep the Comedy Gold rollin’, I love reading it!

  7. dils
    June 4, 2010 at 10:37 pm

    Congratulations!

    And I am just glad, glad, glad you are writing again. No matter what the topic. Maybe you can review transformers again. I used to enjoy reading your past posts on that.

  8. Bebio
    June 4, 2010 at 11:07 pm

    welcome back, az. I have been following your blog for a few years, now. I am also living in Japan, and I think I understand some of what you went through (with the exception of kancho).

    So, take care of yourself and your life, and post when the time is right. We will be enjoying it regardless.

    Good luck in this new phase of your life.

  9. Rexides
    June 5, 2010 at 3:02 am

    Holy crap! I saw the outpostnine entry on my bookmarks today, and thought what the hell, he might have posted somethig during the last two months I didn’t check, and then BAM, entry on the same day! And also about Azrael jr.!

    Congrats man!

    You also need to tell us if you had any more TV appearances.

  10. Andre
    June 5, 2010 at 4:25 am

    There is only one good way to congratulate a person: money. Give us a paypal button/email? I have ONE WHOLE DOLLAR waiting around, and if a thousand others do too, then you might get that lappy toppy, or baby clothes or something.

  11. caustiq
    June 5, 2010 at 4:49 am

    Tell your wife that caustiq said, ‘grats gettin pregged up’.

  12. June 5, 2010 at 5:12 am

    Congrats!

  13. Michael from Denmark
    June 5, 2010 at 7:45 am

    Hello Az!

    Wonderful to have you back writing! Been checking the site every day since december. No kidding!

    Happy to hear that you’re moving into parenthood. I guess it all got serious suddenly! But my best wishes to you! If you need some bandwidth, let me know. 🙂

    Best,
    michael

  14. Azharul
    June 5, 2010 at 9:12 am

    Welcome back bro! Ive missed you! Its been half a year, and iv been looking forward to your new post! man, iv been with you since early outpostnine! keep up the good work! ill be looking forward to the new material you have =D

  15. Wile E
    June 5, 2010 at 2:38 pm

    Good to hear from you again Az. Congrats on the baby. Being a father of 3, I can say that you are correct in assuming that it doesn’t’ really feel real until the baby is born, or at least very close to being born. It hits you all at once.

    Was wondering, however, how will citizenship work? Never really looked into it, but since you are American, does the baby get automatic citizenship to the US?

  16. Wingy
    June 5, 2010 at 11:45 pm

    Congrats Az. Been a long-time reader. When you were not posting for so long, I figured it was because your wife was now pregnant. Good luck with fatherhood.

  17. Cindel
    June 5, 2010 at 11:59 pm

    Congratulations Az! That’s such wonderful news 🙂 I’ve been reading your blog for about 5 years now (can’t believe it’s been that long!) and it’s great to hear from you again. Best of luck with everything!

    PS–have you done any more skits on TV?

  18. Transcendent
    June 6, 2010 at 12:21 am

    Missed reading your works Az, congrats & gd luck!

  19. radda
    June 6, 2010 at 1:16 am

    Gratz Az!

    Let’s just hope it’s a girl. Kumi Koda Mk II or bust!

  20. Don
    June 6, 2010 at 1:32 am

    Congrats on your baby Azrael

    I’m really glad you haven’t totally packed it in as I’ve always found your blog to be an absolute joy to read.

    I’m sorry you’ve been ill. Hope you’re over the worst.

    Having spent my elective and a few summers in Japan I can relate to *some* of your experiences there. Having been helping at a Hokkaido cram school I have been given my miranda rights on kancho. I’ve been lucky so far.

    I wish you the best of luck being a dad. I won’t blame you if your blog entries mysteriously start to haemorrage in roughly four months!

  21. Davemikemc
    June 6, 2010 at 2:20 am

    Wow, so now you’ll have one blog archiving your time as a school teacher in Japan, one archiving your time dealing with real jobs in Japan, and one chronicling gaijin-fatherhood in Japan.

  22. Bara
    June 6, 2010 at 8:32 am

    Congrats to you and your wife. I hope you guys have a healthy and happy baby.

  23. KeyKey
    June 6, 2010 at 12:21 pm

    Congratulations on the upcoming kid, I’m sure they’ll be gorgeous and bring in tons of $$$ for you!

  24. GamerFromJump
    June 6, 2010 at 1:15 pm

    Congratulations. If it’s a girl, watch out! Buy a bat.

    Gotta say though, I can’t imagine a US junior high being a better place than a Japanese one. Having taught in the former, I’d almost guarantee it’s not.

    Best of luck with baby-chan!

  25. Nights
    June 6, 2010 at 2:46 pm

    Glad to see you’re still posting Az :).

    Guessing the OP9 forums are gone and dead now?

  26. Mariko
    June 7, 2010 at 1:49 am

    Congratulations on the newborn. Hope the rest of your wife’s pregnancy goes well…and hey, the best thing about knocking up your wife is that your kids will definitely, DEFINITELY be the hottest things ever. The mix of genetics will ensure that.

  27. Arthurfrdent
    June 7, 2010 at 5:42 am

    heh, like many others, we figured that you had given into your wife’s interest about makin’ babies… I’m glad you waited long enough to have her for yourself for a while, ‘cuz now that sharing begins. It’s OK, this is what makes the world go-round. Congratulations, and best wished for a safe birth.

  28. acerimmer
    June 7, 2010 at 6:56 am

    I knew you were busy doing SOMETHING – and now I know. Congratulations, man.

  29. Coketown
    June 7, 2010 at 2:10 pm

    I’ve been following you for years, and its so awesome to see you updating! Anyway congrats on the baby!

  30. Peter
    June 7, 2010 at 2:43 pm

    Congrats Az, been checking the old site daily since it went silent in dec and I’m glad to see you’re back.
    Try to get some sleep before the birth because you’ll be missing a lot of it in the years to come 🙂

  31. Miroku74
    June 8, 2010 at 1:14 am

    Nice to see you’re still with us among the Somewhat-Living, Az. ^^ And I’m also pleased to hear you’re in reasonably decent shape.

    BTW….. congratulations (and condolences) on the baby-to-be. My sister has two kids, so I have a good idea what handfuls they can be. But I’m sure yuou’ll do fine with them. You already have their future Middle School destination in mind, from what I’m seeing. 😉

    Abywho, take care, man.

    -Miroku74 (Prodigal Priest on the old GaijinSmash.net)

  32. Bke
    June 8, 2010 at 4:50 am

    I really would like to say congratulations, but reading your blog all these years has kinda left me empathising with your feeling -for want of a better word- weird… so it’s just as weird congratulating you.

    Whats also weird, but I’m sure you’re used to it by now, is some random idiot on your blog sounding like they know you personally when they don’t. Such is the nature of blogdom I suppose.

    Ironically enough I was reading your november 20th 2008 post entitled “love/hate thing” round about the same time you put this post up.

  33. AS
    June 8, 2010 at 6:52 am

    Long time reader and first time poster here. Congrats Az and to your wife as well. I’m looking forward to more updates from you. Hope you’re enjoying your new job. If you can I recommend trying to get a netbook which is usually around $300 and is good just for browsing the net and some word processing.

  34. D. Robot
    June 8, 2010 at 9:42 am

    Congratulations, Az. You’ve taken the first step in a journey that may be the greatest challenge in your life.

  35. June 9, 2010 at 12:08 am

    Glad to know the last 6 months of no updates were put to good use. Use this last trimester to prepare yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally for when your baby arrives. You’ll definitely be needing it. Congratulation nevertheless, and I’ll be looking forward to your posts about raising a baby in Japan.

    PS If you’ve left the salaryman world behind you, what are you doing now?

  36. joshuad31
    June 9, 2010 at 5:39 am

    I actually thought the same thing as a lot of other people. “Hey Az isn’t posting anymore… I bet his wife is pregnant.” Congrats.

  37. cocotona
    June 9, 2010 at 1:56 pm

    Congratulations! Oh, and could you maybe make a facebook fan page for your site? It would be very convenient for people. (ME)

  38. SkyHawk
    June 9, 2010 at 5:54 pm

    Congratulations to you and your wife! As a long time reader it’s great to be able to read what you’re up to again. Babies can be quite the time/money-suckers, but they are a pretty cool thing. They can sometimes seem like a surreal science experiment that you love a lot, but as long as you try your best to keep them safe (from Japanese Jr High if neccessary) that’s ok 😉

  39. Ruaidhri
    June 9, 2010 at 9:17 pm

    Congratulations! Everything will change. Outside of marrying my wife, having two sons was the best part of my life. Regardless of your age, children allow you to play as a child yourself without other people looking at you as if you’re crazy. Enjoy each year they pass through. You’ll be amazed at how fast the years fly by and your children become adults themselves. Your job is to prepare that little baby as your parents prepared you to survive and prosper.

  40. Andres0082
    June 9, 2010 at 11:48 pm

    Congratulations to the now expanding family, all the best wishes and prayers from your fans here in Ecuador

  41. Tom
    June 10, 2010 at 2:20 am

    Congrats! Been reading gaijinsmash for 3+ years now. Glad to see the update. I am also willing to donate a little cash towards a computer. =)

  42. David
    June 10, 2010 at 6:56 am

    Congratulations^^ So, when are you starting your “Get Rich” plan?^^

  43. wole
    June 10, 2010 at 7:35 am

    Funny how I asked yesterday on the smash blog if ur wife was preg and today I read she is, congrats man to both of u and best wishes and prayers from me. You should consider the paypal thing some have mentioned cause even though we can’t say we really know you, in a way we can cause of how u’ve carried us thru ur personal experiences over the yrs and may want to send monetary gifts for the unborn. Anyway take care bro and like others said enjoy the sleep now cause u will lose it soon…btw u think u would be able to go thru the delivery process with ur wife?

  44. June 12, 2010 at 2:08 pm

    We like totally lucked out, daughter has 2 other Japanese speaking classmates. Congratulations!

  45. Cliff
    June 13, 2010 at 6:09 am

    congrats on being a father. Trust me even when the baby comes your still like “I can’t believe this is happening”. I got a seven month old and it still gets me.

  46. RieaMiea
    June 16, 2010 at 4:56 pm

    Congrats on the baby honey. ahh you and your hatred of Japanese Middle/high schools. Sadly I am thinking of applying for the ESL/JET program, which I blame entirely on you(lol) clearly I have issues.

  47. bridgecross
    June 17, 2010 at 1:57 am

    You’re gonna love it. Trust me.

  48. Corey
    June 17, 2010 at 4:09 am

    Congratulations!!!

    It feels strange for me just to be an uncle (especially at the age of 18), it’s hard for me to imagine being a full blown father. That obviously comes with the territory of being 18.

    So, any idea when you’re going to start sending them to acting classes??? 😛

  49. Navi
    June 19, 2010 at 12:22 am

    Congrats, Az! ^^ Here’s hoping for an easy pregnancy for your wife, a happy and beautiful baby when he/she arrives, and the desire to have another one, if only for the sake of you getting to do some more unprotected boinking!

  50. Amy
    June 22, 2010 at 7:29 am

    Congratulations! Just like your wife, I’m six months pregnant and inexplicably happy. It’s probably hormones. Deep down inside somewhere I’m terrified of the responsibilities that lay ahead, but I just try to ignore that and let the happiness rule. Might as well enjoy it while it lasts.

    Best of luck to you and your wife!

  51. Kage_Neko
    June 22, 2010 at 12:19 pm

    Congratulations!Good luck to you and your wife!

    You will be responsible for passing on your god-like dick-dodging anti-kancho skills to your baby so they too will be untouchable. XD

  52. June 25, 2010 at 2:47 am

    I knew it was something like this. No new posts in ages…

  53. Nicolas Rodrigue
    June 25, 2010 at 9:09 pm

    Oh wow Az. That’s great news!
    I still remember you blogging about those first years when you were still a new english teacher in Japan.
    And now you’re going to be a new daddy! Nice job!
    Any idea on the name yet? Is it a boy or a girl?

  54. ItAintEazy
    July 8, 2010 at 4:57 pm

    Wow.
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    You went through an entire post without saying the words “Jesus juice.”

    Anyways, congratulations on your new haafu baby girl.

  55. DutchMeteor
    July 14, 2010 at 3:30 pm

    Wah..took me a while to find this site after the old one went to smoke (I am a bit slow these days); but only to learn of the Good News !

    Congrats Az!!

  56. dylan
    August 13, 2010 at 4:41 am

    Omedetto on the kid, dood! Glad to see you’re back to writing again~~

  57. hades
    September 12, 2010 at 11:07 pm

    Congrats man! i’ve been a fan for years and thought everything was lost, until i got tonsillitis 3 days ago and remembered gaijin smash. i found the weird german blog (why would a german blog about gaijin smash), then i found my way around google and ended up here. nice to have you back!

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