No Sex in The City
Given some of the responses to a particular part of the last article I wrote, I felt compelled to write this one. It feels kind of familiar, but I searched the archive and didn’t find it, so I think I haven’t written it before. If I have…oh well.
Anyway, girls – yes, you too can have sex in Japan.
That sounds like a statement I shouldn’t even have to make. Like it should just be so blatantly obvious, that actually verbalizing it could be considered an insult. Kind of like walking up to a person and saying “So, you live on planet Earth, right?” or even walking up to Eddie Murphy and saying “Hey, so…you’re a black guy, right?” But the fact that I even have to write about this just goes to show you how special Japan is.
First, I guess a general overview. It should be common knowledge that women can get laid almost anytime they want. I know that here, some of the female members of the audience are shaking their heads and saying out loud “that’s not true!” If you happen to be a female who isn’t getting laid as much as you like, just know that its not because you can’t, but simply because of a lack of effort.
Yes ladies, you can get laid anytime you want. Go to a bar or a club, or any sort of social setting like that. Or hell, just go to Starbucks or a Barnes and Noble by yourself and loiter around for a bit. If that method is unappealing to you, simply turn to one of your numerous male friends (I know you have them) and say “I need to have sex, could you help me out?” Most of them will say yes.* Even if that doesn’t work for you, the internet has given us a radical new option. Just make a profile on any one of the adult-themed sites, and you will have hundreds of emails from guys offering it up. You will have guys willing to drive in from out of state for the specific reason of boning you. So really, all you need to do is let it be known that you want to have sex in the general presence of guys, and you will have men lining up to answer the call of booty.
*Here, I can hear some of the guys in the audience piping up “No, I wouldn’t hit any of my female friends! It’d be too weird…” To you, I say – stop lying. That, or congratulations on getting enough sex in your life to the point where you can be fairly choosy about it. If our female friends turned to us and said “I just want a night of sex – I promise it won’t get weird” and we actually believed that, most of us would take them up on that. …That being said, there are a few female friends who I wouldn’t have sex with, but mostly because through all the sex talks we had, I know it wouldn’t be any good even if I did. And ladies, if you turn to your male friends and ask “is this true?”, just know that he is probably not going to admit it, because if he did he knows you’re going to be looking at him with that “is he undressing me with his eyes right now?” look on your face, and he probably doesn’t get to hear about your sex life anymore.
For the most part, women don’t even have to make any effort. Just go outside regularly, and you will have guys hitting on you at some point in time. I know women who have made it their life’s creed to never ever ever approach a guy – this is the man’s job, and if he can’t do that then she isn’t interested. So in these cases, its not even that the woman has no choices – she simply doesn’t like what’s available to her. And here as well, I know there are going to be women who will say “I go outside and hit on guys all the time and get nowhere! Guys have deemed me unattractive” – I will say that I can sympathize, because I’ve been turned down solely on looks before, it sucks. I know your pain. However, at the same time, go look up BBW porn, or any sort random fetish porn. Realize that not only did these women get laid, but the guy doing it allowed himself to be caught on camera, and the fact that this is even a video means that there are guys out there who are going to jack off to this. Almost every day in Japan I see couples where the girl is way below average but the guy is decent looking. Ladies, unless you are actually the monster from Aliens, there is a guy out there somewhere willing to pork you. And I would bet money that there are guys out there willing to pork the Aliens monster too. You are not looking hard enough.
So hopefully, I have established that women, despite what they may say, can get laid anytime they want. Again, this feels like saying “Hey everyone, the sky is blue!”, but sometimes a little review is nice. Not all, but most women in America at least are accustomed to letting guys come to them. So when they say they can’t get laid, its just a matter of not liking the selection.
And then we have Japan, which kind of turns the system on its head.
Foreign women don’t get approached so much in Japan. Japanese guys don’t do it – they get scared and convince themselves of failure before they even start. Other foreign guys don’t do it – a fair portion of the foreign male population has Japanese blinders on, and wouldn’t approach a Gaijin girl, even if she were, say, Jessica Alba, because she’s “not quite as attractive” as your average Japanese girl. Yes, Yellow Fever is a frightening thing. Then you have other foreign guys, who would be receptive to dating a fellow Gaijin, but we usually never get the chance because the J-girls have taken the initiative.
J-Girl: Um, hello Mr. Gaijin.
Gaijin Guy: Hello! How are you?
J-Girl: Fine, thank you. And you? Er…I was wondering if you could teach me English sometime.
Gaijin Guy: Well, I don’t know, that is MORE English teaching on top of the English teaching I already get paid for…
J-Girl: Well, perhaps we could just talk English while having dinner together.
Gaijin Guy: That sounds a little bit more appealing.
J-Girl: And I would also like to experience sex with a foreigner.
Gaijin Guy: …Aaaaaaaand now we’re talking!
Literally not an exaggeration.
So while this goes on, Gaijin girls stick by their old system of…not doing anything. And while this worked back home, here in Japan, it does not. I knew foreign women here who were hornier than Hugh Hefner in his prime, who complained about never getting any YET never did anything about it!
Gaijin Girl: Man, I’m so horny! Why can’t I get laid here?
Me: Well, what have you done to solve the problem?
Gaijin Girl: I’ve been going to bars every weekend.
Gaijin Girl: I get dressed up real nice, put on the going-out makeup and everything.
Gaijin Girl: Nothing happens! Nobody comes to talk to me!
Me: Right. And what happened when you tried to go talk to guys?
Gaijin Girl: Oh no, I couldn’t do that.
Me: But, can you really say that you tried to get laid if you just went out… and did nothing?
Gaijin Girl: Back home when I went out guys would hit on me all the time. But it doesn’t happen in Japan. And now I don’t know what to do.
The women who had these conversations with me, for the most part if they had just asked me I would have been willing to help out, but they never did. Instead they just complained to me, a healthy and able-bodied male, about not getting laid, while I daydreamed about the things guys usually daydream about – sex, beer, drinking beer while having sex, nice cars, having sex in a nice car while driving somewhere where there is good beer, and Rice Krispie treats.
Even when I was still single, there were a few foreign women who caught my eye…but usually they got beat to the punch by a J-girl.
Gaijin Girl: Hey Az!
Me: Hey! How’s it going?
Gaijin Girl: Ah, not bad. Just hanging out this weekend.
Me: Yeah, me too. If you are free, we should hang out sometime.
Gaijin Girl: Yeah, that would be fun. Well, let me know when.
Me: Okay, will do!
Gaijin Girl: *leaves*
Me: She seems nice. And she’s pretty hot. I wonder how things will work out between us…
Random J-Girl: Hello, large black man? I would like to invite you on a date, which is really just killing time until we can go to a Love Hotel. I wanna be struck by some chocolate thunder. Are you free this weekend?
So yeah, the “do nothing” approach doesn’t work so well here.
If the Gaijin girl is willing to be more proactive – actively approach guys, talk to them, get their attention, then she can do well here. Girls who do this get boyfriends and even get laid. I’ve seen girls in bars pick out a guy, and within 10 minutes make it clear that she wanted to have sex with him. And you know what she did that night? It wasn’t crocheting, that’s for sure. Although this is purely my personal observation, it seems as though American girls are the ones who have the most problems with this. Non-Americans have no problems pulling guys, but the American ones are the ones who sit back and wonder why nothing happens when they do nothing.
So the message is clear: do something. Be more proactive. Go out and hit on guys. Be downright aggressive. And if that doesn’t sound appealing to you – what happens if I get rejected? – it’s embarrasing – too shy to do that – what will my friends think? – all I can really say to you is – Welcome to our world, ladies. We men have had to do this ever since our hormones kicked in. I have no sympathy for you.
Now, if you are looking for something more – a romance or real relationship, that’s harder. It’s hard for guys as well, but that’s a whole ‘nother story. But even for that, you still gotta be aggressive, and take the guy, Japanese, foreign or otherwise, away from the J-girls.
I didn’t write this to berate foreign girls. On the contrary, I’m rooting for you. I want to help you get laid (sounds kinda creepy doesn’t it…). After all, if you are having more sex, then guys are having more sex – everyone is having more sex, and that’s a good thing, right? Everybody is all satisfied and happy and Lucky Charms rainbows and shit.
Except for me. I’m not having sex – pregnant wife. But I want to help everyone else get laid, so I can live vicariously through you. I want everyone in Japan to be properly knocking boots. Just think of me as the Santa Claus of sex. In Japan. Japanese sex Santa Claus.
…Yep, I think I have been here a wee bit too long.