Home > Gaijin Chronicles > Miraculous Surprise

Miraculous Surprise

So, I’m a daddy now.

There are a myriad of things running through my head, so much so that I don’t even know where to begin sorting them out. All I can really say is – thank you GOD I was born male.

At some point in our lives, we men will get into an argument over which is worse – childbirth, or getting kicked in the nuts. Women will try to emphasize the point of pushing a watermelon-sized object through one’s nostril. We men will attempt to counter with “Yeah, but getting kicked in the nuts really fucking hurts.” And indeed, it really does hurt. But you know – having been there for the whole process, I can only say this – childbirth wins. Not even close. Guys, its like having your nuts hooked up to a perpetual kicking machine for 24 hours. And THEN pushing a tangerine out of your urethra. So ladies, while we may not see eye to eye on a number of issues, you have my eternal respect for being able to endure that.

Despite warnings that I should steer clear of the actual process, or avoid inciting the wrath of my wife (who, in this highly agitated state, would have the strength of Jack Bauer fusion-danced with Chuck Norris, having gone Super Saiya-jin while activating their Devil Trigger), I stayed with her the whole time. Instead of chewing my head off, she was happy to have me there for support, and thanked me several times for being by her side. And yes, when the baby came out, there was a wonderful gush of purple goo and yellow fluid and orange marshmellows and all that jazz, but I didn’t care – the alien-like mass that had been kicking my wife’s stomach for the past few months was now an actual human being, and there I was to witness her emerging out into the world. I wouldn’t have missed it.

My wife though, had a wonderfully priceless reaction upon seeing her for the first time. “I hear her voice, it’s so cute…oh, there she is! She’s beautiful! She’s looking this way, oh such cute eyes! She’s so adorable! There you are, I finally met you. …Hey, she’s not that black.” Yes, as you all may be able to tell from the picture I posted earlier, she was born fairly pale. Fun fact: many black babies are actually not born that dark. Our color fills in later. So, my wife was probably expecting this wonderful little latte bundle, only to be surprised by a vanilla cream frappucino. My wife learned something new that day.

I also learned something new too. If, despite several attempts the baby still hasn’t come out yet, in order to help in the process a nurse may get on top of the pregnant woman and start pumping her like an inflatable tire. I’ve seen a lot of crazy things since coming here, but I don’t know if any of them compare to a little old Japanese nurse getting on top of my pregnant wife and pumping her harder than I ever have. I’m not even exaggerating, it wasn’t a small little push, she was getting her weight behind it and pushing down HARD. I wondered if the baby wasn’t going to just rocket out like that.

Something else I learned – babies make awesome faces. Or maybe its just mine? Yes, babies are very cute and adorable. But they also make really funny faces sometimes.


Like, whoa...


It occurs to me that this might make me one of those fathers whose primary goal in life is to embarrass their children. So, to restore balance to the force, here’s a normal picture.

Aw, just look at that little Beyonce. Az’s Get Rich Quick Scheme #23 is coming along very nicely, if I do say so myself.

…I kid, of course. Little Anna can be whatever she wants to be. A doctor, a lawyer, an astronaut, daddy supports her. And if she decides to become a singer/actress/model, daddy will support her at 35% of her income. …Just saying.

Categories: Gaijin Chronicles
  1. fwoifjklsf
    November 25, 2010 at 11:56 am

    aww, she’s so cute !

    was she born w/ that much hair ? I always thought babies where born bald..well i don’t remember seeing newborn babies before though..

    aww..she’s so cute x)

    i hope your wife’s ok ! good luck ! that baby is so cute !!

    • Melfice
      November 27, 2010 at 4:28 am

      Babies can be born completely bald or having hair so long, you could braid it (slight exaggeration. But a VERY slight one.).

    • Lyn
      December 10, 2010 at 1:02 am

      I had a full head of hair when I was born and so did my sister. Trust me, it happens.

  2. Lyasu
    November 25, 2010 at 12:34 pm

    awww… she is cute ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. Morrigan
    November 25, 2010 at 12:45 pm

    Awesome. Congrats Az! She’s really adorable and those pics are great.

    Good luck in your new role as a father. I expect funny anecdotes to be posted whenever you aren’t too busy filling out that role. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  4. Simon
    November 25, 2010 at 1:00 pm

    Aww, she’s so cute!

  5. Chibi
    November 25, 2010 at 1:02 pm

    Awww shes so cute! She has the kind of cheeks that just demand to be pinched.

  6. Joe
    November 25, 2010 at 1:42 pm
  7. dils
    November 25, 2010 at 2:03 pm

    Congrats Azrael.

    Bring the the Gaijin Face of Terror, when she starts middle school and start hanging out with boys!

    But really, she’s so cute! Congrats to you both!

  8. Jonas
    November 25, 2010 at 2:08 pm

    Congratulations Az! You’ve come a long way.
    Good luck with getting rich quickly (in only 20-25 years…)

  9. ArthurFrDent
    November 25, 2010 at 2:41 pm

    yeah, super human strength? My ex- dislocated some of my fingers with both kids, even though she had hold of my whole hand… as for the nurse pushin’ I think that would be a Hospital Japan Thing, ‘cuz, I’ve never heard of that over here, and certainly not with my 2, even though the labors were very long. I mean 44hours in #1son’s case. That was entirely mamalady’s choice, I wouldn’a put up with it meself… But?

    really cute kid, no doubt.

    Happy Thanksgiving to you and yours, dude. You have a family now. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  10. Dan
    November 25, 2010 at 2:43 pm

    Congrats on the kid, man! I guess you’d better start saving what you can now bcs. Int’l. School tuition isn’t cheap over there. I seem to remember you writing once that you’d never put any kid you had through the public system there and I would agree 100% with that!

  11. Darkrider
    November 25, 2010 at 3:49 pm

    I love her faces especially “DO NOT WANT” which also I think has a dash of “Are you kidding me?”mixed in. Very cute!

  12. James
    November 25, 2010 at 3:51 pm

    Great captions! Can’t. Stop. Laughing. Your kid is truly one cute baby. Best wishes to you, your wife, and your new born child.

    If you published your stuff in book form I would definately buy it. Your stories never cease to entertain and make me stop to think about all the surprises life has to offer.

  13. Jill, Mawande
    November 25, 2010 at 4:20 pm

    I’ve done some checking, and it seems that yes indeed, the nurse pushing is quite usual. Ah, I remember when my baby looked like a frog (horses and frogs are my two favorite animals).

    She is a glorious new person in this world.

  14. Giorgio
    November 25, 2010 at 5:55 pm

    I am very happy for you three !!!

  15. Ignorance
    November 25, 2010 at 6:10 pm


    Thanks for sharing life, and I wish you, your wife, and your newborn child happiness.
    Wish I could do something about your lack of a computer over there.
    I don’t have any money, but I do have a surplus of laptops.
    I think the shipping would probably be to much to be worth sending one over.

    This blog has been amazing.
    Who would have seen this coming 4 years ago.

  16. November 25, 2010 at 6:13 pm

    Aww, she’s so gorgeous!

    (Am meant to be giving birth in a couple of months… the pumping thing is news to me… hoping it’s just done in Japan!)

  17. Jackie from SF bay, CA
    November 25, 2010 at 7:03 pm

    THANK YOU FOR WRITING THIS! i’m definitely showing my hubby this! you don’t understand how many times he’s said that and yet he witness our daughter’s birth! and also i agree that you should let her be who she wants to be when she gets older.

    She is freakin’ awesome isn’t she? Beautiful pics; you might think you’re embarrassing her now, but when you look back it, you would tell her that those are the many faces she made as a baby (and you’ll miss it as she gets older). cherish the baby! she doesn’t get that small for long! i know this ‘cuz my daughter is going to turn 9 in february and every time i hug her i keep reminding how small she used to be and how she always wanted me to carry her (T_T) *sniff*.

    i love that second pic…her hair looks AWESOME! just wondering, how does your parents feel now that you’re a father? anyway, as i’ve said earlier, cherish the moment you have with her as a baby. cuddle her, love her, sing to her and trust me, all the times you are around her she will love you to death. my hubby worked a lot and hung out a lot with his cousins/friends when she’s little and she doesn’t show the same affection she has with me than it is with him.

    hugs and kisses to anna! and since it’s thanksgiving here in the states…happy thanksgiving and thank you for sharing all your stories with us. for me i really appreciate it and i share your stories with other people. ๐Ÿ˜€

  18. November 25, 2010 at 8:12 pm

    Awesome as ever man XD
    I have the feeling that now that you’re a daddy your editorials will reach a whole new level of greatness! Keep on writing man!

    And congrats again to your beautiful little princess ๐Ÿ™‚

    Greetz from Vienna, Austria

  19. Jonston
    November 25, 2010 at 11:55 pm

    Congratulations to Mom, Dad and Baby Anna! And happy Thanksgiving!

  20. toast
    November 26, 2010 at 2:16 am

    I’m not one to gush at baby pictures, but that is one cute baby! Congratulations!

  21. Michael from Denmark
    November 26, 2010 at 7:39 am

    Hey az!

    Thanks for keeping us updated!
    I think many of your regular readers are looking forward to be virtual uncles and aunts and watch the little wonder grow up!

  22. TheOtherJN
    November 26, 2010 at 9:19 am

    Loll funny story man. Glad you were enlightened a bit; that’s always a good thing to have happen. But here comes the days and nights of hell (maybe)… and now you and your wife will have to exercise every bit of your will (and more) to keep things right.

    Anyways, I’m curious to know your and your wife’s plans for little Anna :). Coming from such a multicultural family presents interesting strategies on raising her up. Have her spend her whole life in Japan?! Visit USA when young and make her fluent in English before Japanese?! Haha, who knows. You and your wife now have yourselves your very own little pianist, dancer, singer, doctor, lawyer, engineer, athlete, game designer, and treasure to take care of and adore. Who knows, she might grow up to kick your butt in Street Fighter LOL.

    Wishing the best for you ๐Ÿ™‚

  23. Starfish
    November 26, 2010 at 10:16 am

    She’s adorable, congratulations! I hope you’ll post more pictures in the future!

  24. Amanda
    November 26, 2010 at 1:48 pm

    Is that a birthmark on her nose? How cute~

    • cameal
      December 2, 2010 at 2:47 pm

      I believe it’s a stork bite(not the technical term…..), something that babies have sometimes after they’ve just been born. Generally fades when they get older.

  25. Aiyo
    November 26, 2010 at 6:09 pm

    congrats, she’s a cutie. Wishing all three of you the best and brightest future.

  26. Athlynne
    November 27, 2010 at 12:58 am

    HA, your wife’s comment is priceless. ๐Ÿ™‚

    AW, more pics! She really does have the cutest little face. Good luck with your get-rich scheme, Az, we’ll be rooting for you. And Anna, of course.

  27. RudyD
    November 27, 2010 at 6:22 am

    Cute indeed ๐Ÿ™‚

    Here’s a scary thought though:

    In twelve years or so, if she grows up (half) Japanese, evidence strongly suggests that she will at some point be kancho’ing innocent teachers up the *ss.

  28. Navi
    November 27, 2010 at 7:11 am

    She’s so CUTE! Look at all that hair!! XD She’s gonna be fluffy-wuffy-adorable her whole life, I tell ya!

    http://babies.icanhascheezburger.com/ Just sayin’. ๐Ÿ˜‰

  29. Heather
    November 27, 2010 at 7:58 am

    She is SO cute! I love the “Like Whoa…” picture, that’s really awesome!

    UM, WTF do they DO to women in Japan?? Oh, my goodness! As a woman strongly involved in childbirth in the US, even with all the horrid, unnecessary things that they do over here, they don’t do THAT! Well, unless the baby has shoulder dystocia, but that’s caused by a woman lying flat on her back, usually, with the baby in a bad position and can, in most cases, be fixed just by rolling the woman onto all fours. The pushing on the stomach thing can dislocate baby’s shoulder or collarbone O_O but most US nurses don’t know about the easier way to “unstick” a baby.

    You know, mine did the opposite in the skin color department–she came out with freaking DARK skin. She looked like a dark Alaskan Native baby (I’m as ghostly pale as it gets and while DH tans, I don’t get how the baby got a tan in my stomach in the winter, LOL). She paled up over the next few months, but does have a darker complexion than myself or our first daughter (thankfully–it seems to mean she has some protection from the sun, unlike us!). My husband was born so dark he looked black (it’s in there somewhere, but no one’s sure how much anymore) and his dad actually thought his sister was, lol! So I guess babies in his family are born dark and lighten up.

    I actually knew about half-black babies often looking white when they’re born and getting darker (I have several friends with biracial children).

  30. November 27, 2010 at 8:16 am

    Awwwww she’s so cute!!!!! I especially like the “whoa~” face^^
    And happy Thanksgiving!

  31. Amy
    November 27, 2010 at 10:07 am

    Congratulations! Anna is adorable. Those cheeks! That hair!

    Good for you for helping your wife through labor, I’m sure she will always be grateful for that. I couldn’t have done it by myself either, and can’t believe all the Japanese women who say they were actually glad their husbands bailed out.

    As for the pushing on the stomach, it happened to me too and is NOT pleasant. It seems Japan is one of the few places where this barbaric practice is still routine.

    My god, that last sentence could apply to so many things…

  32. Fae
    November 28, 2010 at 2:21 am

    Ohhhh!! She’s so cute!

    btw, the move the midwife did is called applying fundal pressure. At the end of a long labour, most women get tired and can’t push as hard, so it’s kind of an extra way to help “push” the baby out ๐Ÿ™‚ All babies born by ceaserean sections are also kind of “popped” out of the incision in the uterus by fundal pressure too! It looks pretty barbaric but it works =D

  33. Vonbootystein
    November 28, 2010 at 3:19 am

    how cute! Lots of hair! I love the faces babies made.. except for when their eyes go crooked..

  34. Vonbootystein
    November 28, 2010 at 3:20 am

    how cute! Lots of hair! I love the faces babies make.. except for when their eyes go crooked.. (dont worry, their eye muscles just have to get stronger and it will stop) Congrats again!

  35. Vonbootystein
    November 28, 2010 at 3:21 am

    “who, in this highly agitated state, would have the strength of Jack Bauer fusion-danced with Chuck Norris, having gone Super Saiya-jin while activating their Devil Trigger”


  36. Beaker
    November 28, 2010 at 7:29 am

    Awwww look at those cheeks! Congrats on the new little one. But for me it wasn’t their facial expressions that killed me it was the size of their burps and farts that got me…..how the hell does a noise that huge come from such a teeny weeny body??

  37. Shawn
    November 29, 2010 at 4:45 am

    Youve come along way brotha. Ive been reading you for years and I always leave with a smile on my face.

  38. Larry O.
    November 29, 2010 at 8:37 pm

    That 3rd picture needs an “I ain’t even mad” caption on it :D! Congratulations with the successful birth. I know of too many people with miscarriages and what a wreck the family becomes. Good thing you didn’t have to go thru that.

  39. Aeonblade
    November 30, 2010 at 2:22 pm

    I still think the “Woah” picture needs the “Super Saiyin~~~!” caption haha ๐Ÿ™‚ Congrats sir, good luck with that one ๐Ÿ™‚

  40. Fish
    November 30, 2010 at 3:37 pm

    I’ve got a 1.5 year old half Japanese/black. I’m sure the family on the wife’s side is surprised at how light the baby is. Wait until they see her after a few months of darkening and spit out something like “wow! she got darker” or something like that. Heard that one before.

    If you daughter is like mine, that great head of hair will start to curl up as it grows and cause momma some concern and worry. All I’ve got to say is if your wife won’t then you must make sure the girl can take care of her hair. That wild look is cute as a little kid, but how sorry we feel for the 16 year old that doesn’t know a thing about taking care of her hair. Nothing wrong with the wild look, but it should be an option and not the only choice. If it starts to curl, make sure to use conditioner when you wash it.

  41. Digital Masta
    November 30, 2010 at 9:33 pm

    Yeah…your daughter will likely get darker as she gets older, I was born pretty damn white and while I’m not the darkest black man around I definitely got darker as I got older.

  42. Kamui
    December 1, 2010 at 3:11 am

    Dude, the “What?” picture… your little girl is going to be a little heartbreaker, I can tell. She’s adorable. Congratulations, man. Hope it all goes well!

  43. Catherine
    December 1, 2010 at 7:11 am

    CONGRATS. She’s beautiful! YAY!

  44. ViolentAJ
    December 1, 2010 at 8:25 pm


    I’ll take this time to apologize for any hell I put you through in the past. I still have racial tendencies based on experience and observation, and I wish you the best of luck in your challenge raising an interracial child, especially of partial Black/Japanese ancestry.

    Things are getting much tougher for Black folk globally, we cannot deny this.

    Anyways, cheers, and you probably won’t hear from me again.

  45. Samantha
    December 2, 2010 at 6:05 am

    I think I’ve got something in my eye, Az. You sound like you’re already gunning for “world’s greatest dad”.

  46. Bryan
    December 2, 2010 at 8:03 pm


    Congrats! I’ve followed your blog for years and was really excited to see your post on October 27th concerning the birth of your daughter. I showed my wife before she left for work that afternoon. Went on with my day getting ready for Game 1 of the World Series. Being a Bay Area native, I was hella stoked to see the Giants play and my mind was other places when my wife burst through the door crying. She had been to 7-11 and while leaving a homeless man asked her how many months along she was. She wasn’t pregnant. Wasn’t happening. No way. The pill… She bought a test and of course she was, and not just a little pregnant, turns out she was 5 months pregnant with a baby girl. That day is etched in my memory forever and your blog a part of it. Just wanted to let you know for some reason. Thanks.

  47. Goreki
    December 3, 2010 at 10:38 am

    Whoa! ใŠใ‚ใงใฃใจ๏ผ
    She is completely adorabley super cute! All you need to do in a few years time is get her a toy microphone and put her in front of a mirror, and the rest will sort itself out XD.

    Congratulations again to all three of you, and good luck for the next couple of months.

  48. Lyn
    December 3, 2010 at 10:33 pm

    Awww, she’s precious! Congrats again on your adorable baby girl!

    Also, all babies make funny faces (my friend’s daughter makes some of the best ones)

  49. Picari
    December 5, 2010 at 8:29 am

    Congratulations, AZ on your daughter ๐Ÿ˜€
    She’s so cute ๐Ÿ™‚

    Even though I’m a woman, I could never go through having a baby, it just never ceases to amaze me that someone can put themselves through that much physical torture, but hats off to your wife for enduring that (especially the pushing part…wow )

    She’s adorable, though ๐Ÿ˜€ Congrats again!!

  50. my
    December 5, 2010 at 10:30 am

    My god, she is SO CUTE! ๐Ÿ™‚

  51. monchy
    December 5, 2010 at 4:27 pm

    Congratulations! ๐Ÿ˜€ I’m glad everything went great. ๅฏๆ„›ใ„่ตคใกใ‚ƒใ‚“๏ผ

  52. Ryk
    December 6, 2010 at 2:25 pm

    Glad to see your ่ตคใกใ‚ƒใ‚“ is doing well. I enjoy your blog updates a lot, being a Black male who enjoys visiting Japan, I like to see your views and experiences.

  53. Corey (I'm So Sorry Az!)
    December 9, 2010 at 1:19 pm

    You have a beautiful baby, I’m happy for you sir, but!

    You got the first caption wrong.

    Just sayin’

  54. Sean
    December 10, 2010 at 11:25 pm

    My Japanese wife and I are expecting our first child in February. We are here in Kanto. Congrats. Your daughter looks very beautiful. I would first recommend having your daughter replace the damn Toyota Tenchou, as his face is really becoming unbearable. Again congrats!

  55. Leeani
    December 12, 2010 at 5:35 am

    She’s beautiful, Az. Congrats! I’m glad to see your life in Japan is still very much an adventure.

  56. trey
    December 13, 2010 at 10:19 am

    Re: Childbirth vs. Kicking in Nuts…

    Ill grant that childbirth probably is more intense and sucks more while it is happening, but kicking in the nuts is still worse for a few reasons.

    A)how many times have u been nutted and how many times do women give birth? Men have it waaay worse here

    B) as a result of A, this causes you to live your life in potential fear of being hit. The lifestyle you have to adopt to prevent even the slightest graze sux

    C) Hit in the nuts doesnt require a hard hit to suck. Just a small tap can shrivel em up and make it feel like you have bad gas.

    • Jen
      December 30, 2010 at 1:11 am

      Period cramps, as least for me, has got to be worse than getting kicked in the nuts. I cannot even get out of bed until I take 3-4 ibuprofen, and before I was on the pill, these periods were 2 weeks long, and 2-6 weeks apart. I actually missed a lot of school because I couldn’t stand up on the worst days.

      When guys whine about getting kicked in the nuts and compare it to any type of feminine pain, it really makes me want to switch bodies with them so they can feel how much pain I’m in.

      And while I’d imagine that it does hurt a lot to get hit in the nuts, I think I’d take it over all the pain and discomfort that I’d be in for nine months if I got pregnant. My mom threw up every day for the whole first half, and the whole second half my foot was jammed in her ribs, THEN she was in labor for like 20 hours.

    • Aine
      October 2, 2011 at 10:52 pm

      If it’s that much of a hardship having balls that might be kicked, how come guys spend so much time & think it’s so frigging hilarious to hit and kick each other in the groin all the time? Ever watched Dirty Sanchez? If you’re living in fear that badly you could always wear a cup day to day or something.

  57. Arjay
    December 13, 2010 at 2:27 pm

    Congrats, Az. Hope you and your family have a wonderful X-Mas this year.

  58. Emily
    December 15, 2010 at 12:07 am

    Congratulations! She’s very beautiful. ๐Ÿ˜€ I love all babies but especially mixed babies. Just had a biracial baby myself this year (black/white), he was born real light and is now 7 months and looks like he has a really good tan. ๐Ÿ˜›

  59. Gabbi
    December 15, 2010 at 9:22 am

    ๐Ÿ˜ฎ your baby is so beautiful!! Congratulations (:.

  60. krizzex
    December 15, 2010 at 2:29 pm

    Hey, now that a lot time has passed and things have settled and all that…perhaps you could tell us what the octopus was?

    • Amun
      December 16, 2010 at 8:57 am

      Lol! The octopus – I remember that, lol!

    • JF
      December 16, 2010 at 8:48 pm

      haha I remember that too. Yes please, let us know the octopus story ๐Ÿ™‚ Special request!

  61. cee
    December 18, 2010 at 10:20 am

    “So, my wife was probably expecting this wonderful little latte bundle, only to be surprised by a vanilla cream frappucino.”

    Please, don’t ever stop writing.

    Congratulations on your beautiful baby! She looks a lot like you!

  62. Amy
    December 18, 2010 at 5:59 pm

    Congratulations! Anna Linda is adorable.

  63. Aimal
    December 23, 2010 at 7:50 pm

    I have been following Gaijin Smash, and now Chronicles, for some time now, and this would be my first comment on either. Nonetheless, CONGRATULATIONS on your beautiful new baby!!! ๐Ÿ™‚ I may have never met you, or even interacted with you in any form before, but having followed your stories for so long I genuinely feel happy for you and Mrs. Azrael ๐Ÿ™‚ Glad that everything has worked out ๐Ÿ™‚

  64. Troy
    December 24, 2010 at 1:07 pm

    Congrats Az.

    Wishing you the best for you and yours.

    You don’t know me but I found your writings really great. I lasted 7 1/2 years in-country and your stuff helped filled in the gaps of my gaijin experience (which was rather “opposite” of yours in so many ways).

  65. December 24, 2010 at 9:09 pm

    Congrats…what an experience. I’m 27 and I truly hope to experience what you’re feeling now. Continue thriving…35% of her income, like you mentioned, sounds reasonable. haha Onelove from Jeju, South Korea!

  66. Tunod
    December 26, 2010 at 12:44 am

    I’ve followed you since the “I am a Japanese Schoolteacher” days, Az. Not from the beginning, but from pretty early on, at least. You’ve always been entertaining, you’ve occasionally been heartwarming, and overall I’ve just never been bored while reading one of your updates. Your daughter is lucky to have such a sharp, witty man for a father.

    Congratulations, Az. And good luck.

  67. Sdavis3
    December 26, 2010 at 4:45 pm

    Congrats, Az. May your kid turn out to be as awesome and her parents. That and you learn how to use a shotgun before she grows up. ^_^

  68. Michael from Denmark
    December 28, 2010 at 7:32 am

    Merry Christmas, Az.

    Hope to hear news from you soon ๐Ÿ™‚


  69. Maryn
    December 29, 2010 at 12:03 pm

    Holy crap Az, been followin’ ya since the inception of Outpost (9). Never thought I’d see this day coming so soon… expect a little…gift for letting this little bundle of awesomeness into this world.

  70. January 2, 2011 at 3:54 am

    > Guys, its like having your nuts hooked up to
    > a perpetual kicking machine for 24 hours.

    This is a significant exaggeration.

    In the first place, 24 hours is a fairly long labor. It does occasionally take that long (or even longer), but 12-16 hours is more typical. (Of course, your wife, being a small Japanese woman married to a big foreign man, was probably carrying a child somewhat larger than would be typical for her build, so if her labor was a little longer than average this is not terribly surprising.)

    Also, the perpetual kicking machine would only be switched on for 2-3 minutes at a time, followed by rest periods of up to 20-30 minutes initially. (Granted, toward the end the rest periods get shorter and shorter until they barely exist at all. By that time, though, the body has typically started releasing some endorphines into the bloodstream, which helps a little. The effect is presumably not unlike if you realized you were going to be getting kicked in the sensitive bits a lot so you took a couple of pain pills.)

    > And THEN pushing a tangerine out of your urethra.

    Again, this is an exaggeration. By the end of labor the passage has expanded until it’s *almost* large enough for the child to pass through. So it’s only like passing a marble out of your urethra, or maybe a kidney stone, not a tangerine. It hurts, yes, but there’s very little permanent damage in most cases. Most women come out of it with nothing much worse than a couple of stretch marks when all is said and done. It’s totally survivable.

    Plus, you’re not pregnant any more (which after being eight or nine months pregnant for a while can seem like a very big deal, or so I am told), *and* you get a baby out of the deal.

    On an encouraging note, a woman’s first labor is usually the longest and most difficult she ever has to endure, often by a significant margin. Subsequent labors are usually a bit easier, and they’re almost always shorter.

    All in all, it’s not that bad in the big scheme of things. I mean, yes, there’s some significant pain. However, I have never spoken with a post-menopausal woman who regretted having gone through the child-bearing process. I *have* spoken with women who were too old to do it and regretting having missed the chance.

    • kickinthenuts
      January 10, 2011 at 1:32 pm

      well said, if you consider that in addition of the pain suppressants naturaly produced by the body long before child birth, they are given boatloads of artificial ones at the hospital.

      Getting kicked in the nuts is so much more painful, it`s just that it`s thankfully pretty short.

  71. Vonbootystein
    January 2, 2011 at 11:25 am

    happy new year Az! Hope your family is doing well! ^.^

  72. Andrew M
    January 11, 2011 at 1:32 am

    Where you been Az?

    How was Christmas? Hows the fam and kid? Did your folks make the trip again like they promised now that you have a kid?

  73. giniro
    January 12, 2011 at 7:15 pm

    For those still deliberating whether it’s more painful to get kicked in the nuts or to bear a child…. well, after a kick in the nuts, you holler and double over, maybe roll around on the ground for a couple minutes. Your friends laugh at you. Before, during, and after you have a baby, youre in a hospital bed. For the ‘during’ part of it, you’re screaming in pain for substantially more than just a couple minutes. No one is laughing until the baby is confirmed healthy. Unless someone dropped an anvil or something of similar severity on your nuts, you probably shouldn’t be in a hospital bed. There is nothing stretching or contracting or pushing or possibly ripping when you get kicked in the nuts. And last but certainly not least, I don’t believe I’ve ever heard of a guy dying of complications from being kicked in the nuts. I think this is something you can’t even really compare fairly, not just in the sense of comparing the pain but the whole scope of it from beginning to end are just two entirely different entities.

    • SChrono
      January 13, 2011 at 4:23 pm

      Though I’m not aware of any cases of men dying from being kicked in the nuts, there can be some very bad complications that result from it. Most of the worst cases involve the men will result in at least one testicle having to be removed. In one case last year a boy who was 13 or 14 years old had to be completely castrated after being kicked in the nuts. Neither kind of pain is any laughing matter, and neither one is the absolute epitome of pain that a person can be put through (cancer in some cases, being shot, being tortured, etc.. are much worse). Lets just say that the pain in both situations is bad and leave it at that. I’ve never seen fighting over who has it worse to be a particularly useful venture anyway, since in the end both suck.

    • Patrick
      January 15, 2011 at 7:48 am

      Actually, you CAN kill someone by a swift kick to the man parts. If you drive the testes and scrotum into the body far enough, you will rupture either the bladder or the urethral tube (No, I don’t remember the name, it’s been 13 years since I took anatomy) which will cause sepsis and death. Really, anywhere where there is a gap in the protection the skeleton gives us that lies near a vital organ is a way to kill someone. But no, it wouldn’t hurt as much as childbirth. But it might last as long.

      • giniro
        January 21, 2011 at 7:19 am

        Oh.. WOW I can’t believe how compelling this is that even MY comment gets two replies.. XD
        Either way, I never said if you can or cant die, just “I donโ€™t believe Iโ€™ve ever heard of a guy dying of complications from being kicked in the nuts.” But its pretty fascinating that you can though. Must be one hell of a kick. Actually, it probably wouldn’t even be a kick at all, maybe more like that anvil I mentioned being dropped, which probably would hurt as much as or more than childbirth…

  74. Patrick
    January 14, 2011 at 6:33 pm

    Wow! I finally found your site again (After Gaijin Smash went away) and you’ve become a daddy! You have a cute little lady there. Now, I have several entries to read through.

  75. January 18, 2011 at 2:56 pm

    So did she start out with a blue butt to match the surprising paleness?

  76. how girl get pregnant
    January 24, 2011 at 3:19 am

    how is babby formed

    • Frein
      January 25, 2011 at 5:44 am

      they need to do way instain mother

  77. battlescar
    January 25, 2011 at 1:53 am

    Congratulations Az! Your baby looks adorable! Have you found a way to smuggle shotguns and rocket launchers into Japan yet? ๐Ÿ˜€

    Also, have you ever considered writing a guide to Japan for Gaijin?

  78. Tiberious
    January 30, 2011 at 1:03 pm

    Aww… that is one cute kid.

    If she’s this cute now, do yourself a favor.

    Forget the shotguns and rocket launchers. Spend the next 12 years acquiring nukes. Build an arsenal large enough to be able to stare down the US. You will need it. The Japanese boys will probably start pursuing her then, and being able to threaten a suitor and his town will make a great deterrent.

    Much luck to you. Gonna need every bit of it.

  79. sairawr
    February 11, 2011 at 2:43 am

    OH MY GOD.

    What a surprise!!! I’ve been an avid reader for several years but once college hit I kind of got too busy to check up on your blog (The last thing I remember was you getting married) BUT NOW YOU HAVE A BABY?! AND A BEAUTIFUL ONE AT THAT! Aw Az, congratulations! It feels like just yesterday some middle schooler was kancho’ing you. I know it sounds weird coming from a stranger, but I’m really proud of you! Good luck with little Anna Linda!

  80. Blayne Bradley
    April 18, 2011 at 5:37 am

    Heh. I can imagine your relishing the chance later on to scare the crap out of her future boyfriend (because we all know only one will have the balls to date her with you as the father hovering nearby…)

  81. mgowen
    May 2, 2011 at 11:26 am


  82. Aine
    October 2, 2011 at 10:47 pm

    Aww, adorable mini-human

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